I'm destroyed by @jhellenmjgr

Are we in 2020?2021? I don't know anymore. I was crying like a baby seeing a video on YouTube and one of the singer said "this one is for those who overcome darkness". Well I'm not there yet and I sincerely think I never will. I'm writing this down alone, in a hot dark empty apartment that the owner can keep paying.

If I started to blame others or the "circumstances" I would say that my perfect life falling apart on 28 of August of 1995 when my father dies. Whoever the ramifications of that event shown his marks years later. For the moment I would say that my "daddy and loneliness issues" started back in 2002 when the love of my life' favorite activity was beat it me like if I was a piñata. In top of it all he fall for divorce. After that event I build and destroyed all my relationships by myself. No one to blame for.

In this particular moment I'm sitting on my dream place to live. I remember when I came here 5 years ago. I wanna move in by myself (again) and I said out loud "I'm gonna live here someday you'll see", the person I was talking to was the protector of the place and still is.. He made everything to keep me away from here but I'm finally made it.

OK, then what? I started a relationship after years alone. I was miserable and the reason of my unhappyness at least for me was my lack of self estimate. What a dangerous and painful path for a person is not recognizing himself estimate issues.

I'm crying while I write this not hopping for nothing just let it out, maybe it can help someone.

I woke up totally and completely alone all days and I do my best but days like today I ask myself..

what did I do?

All I done this past 5 years is money. Maybe if someone read this could think "well that's enough to make a person happy" oh let me tell ya: no, It doesn't. Money only comes to tell you how alone you are: when you woke up on the mornings all alone, when you have a full refrigerator but you loose the excitement of cooking a big meal for one person. It's sad.

Don't get confused for a Smiley face

Don't be mistaken money does help and is highly need it, but the big things in life has worth not value. There's your answer if you ever think what about this famous/rich person that kill himself?

You can buy a person but not true love, you can buy a car, a house, but not life. You can buy the world but not make that your mother lives forever. Don't get it twisted my brotha, this new society convinced us that we deserve it all.. But you can buy you a new body and face but no people who really loves you and appreciate it you, or a loving family or self estimate.

Yeah, it is true all those times that you hear "money don't buy happiness" anyway, there's a lot of other matters here to attend. I'm not using a translator so forgive my grammatical mistakes.

I also feel regret about things that I don't even know if I really want like kids, move to another country or get married again. Too much pressure time flying and 2 years of lockdown are torturing me. I can't think clearly, less make decisions. I can't stand pressure of any kind, I complain about my work but I feel anxious if I don't have work enough. I suffer from anxiety at the higgest level.

The other day I realized that my work right now is actually my life. I also realize that the reason it's because work, being working has always been a constant and right now I desperately need some structure and stability like I'm sure you need too.

you're not alone in this mess my friend, I'm with you

How many things I named? I loose the count. I'm going to therapy, I'm doing therapy by myself but there comes a time when we can't keep by ourselves. That time has arrived for me.

I don't feel ashamed on saying my struggles out loud, don't feel ashamed you too, remember, you and I need to be fine to can be helpful for another people

Thankyou for reading me ❤️

Thankyou @fendit and @belenguerra for created a place for self expression 🙏