Sporadic Loss

Source

Losing your memory is a peculiar sensation. Like looking at a photo album, but some of the pages have been burned away and all that is left is scorch marks and maybe a corner of a photo here or there.

I was born in 1988.

I met my wife Jane in 2015. She is the love of my life and I honestly can’t imagine where I’d be without her. We met a few years before there were any noticeable signs of my cognitive decline. I had never had an outstanding memory, but she was the first to show any concern about it getting worse.

We were married in the summer of 2017. Up to that point she’d tease me for my memory from time to time, but it was shortly after she started to notice how difficult it was for me

She was the one that suggested I start keeping records of my life to look back on. A more reliable memory as she put it. I’ve been keeping little notes here and there but this is the first time I’ve felt compelled to sit down and write things out properly.

I was around thirty when I’d finally gone to see a doctor about my condition. Several scans later she had found some sort of neurological disorder; I honestly can’t recall what it was called.

The doctor said there was no magical cure but I could keep my mind active to hold off the effects. Do puzzles, maintain a healthy social life, take on creative endeavors. That’s why I decided to start writing; both to keep my brain active and keep a record of what is important to me.

Shortly after my diagnosis I met my wife Janice. She is the love of my life and I honestly can’t imagine where I’d be without her. By that time it was a real struggle to remember even the day to day necessities, but she accepted me all the same. She was very forgiving when I’d forget dates or appointments and helped me constantly keep to a schedule.

We were married in the spring of 2018 and I honestly don’t know how I’d have survived without her. She makes sure I get to work on time, show up to my doctor’s appointments and reminds me of the important things when I start to panic.

I do what I can to contribute to the household, but it feels like what I’m even capable of diminishes year over year. I can drive at least; I was supposed to grab the groceries today but Jan was kind enough to go for me when I mentioned I felt the need to write something down.

I can manage most household chores on my own, though keeping on top of them can be a bit difficult. I swear those dishes come out of nowhere sometimes. House gremlins I’m sure. I was self sufficient though, so while I struggled I made due.

Then I met my wife Janet. I think it was in 2014. She is the love of my life and I honestly can’t imagine where I’d be without her. Having her in my life made the struggle so much more bearable. She helped me a lot, but she also gave me the motivation to push myself to do more. Not to say I didn’t make some embarrassing mistakes, but I had a reason to at least try.

I remember our wedding day. Golden and red leaves paved the aisle as she walked towards me. Her beautiful white dress flowing behind her. The tears running down her face. That breathtaking smile. The people in the seats are all a blur. I no longer remember the man beside me. But her? I remember her. The personification of perfection.

That was many years ago though. I don’t know where she is now. I know I loved her very much; she helped me through so many hard times. But I don’t remember where she went. What happened to her? I feel so alone here. I call out her name but there is no answer. I’m listening. Waiting for a response. How long ago did she leave? I hate being without her.