Strange Interchange With A Person In A White Coat (MEDICAL SATIRE) - Episode 4

A look into the pain-production-pill-popping cycle at your local pseudo-science center!

A patient is waiting impatiently for the doctor to show up in the examination room.  Doctor enters.

Doctor (fake smile):  Hello.  Sorry to keep you waiting.
Patient:  Are you really?

Doctor:  Ok, not really.  So we need to do something about your high blood pressure.  I’m giving you a prescription for Lisinopril.

Patient:  Aw, gee, I dunno.  I try to avoid things that have “sin” in them.
Doctor:  This is no laughing matter.  High blood pressure is very serious.    

Patient:  So what is this sin pill, exactly?
Doctor:  I don’t have time to get into details, but you’re welcome to look it up online if you want.    

Patient:  Does it have side effects?
Doctor:  Oh, sure, but usually nothing major.  Some common ones are dizzyness, blurred vision, tiredness and weakness.   

Patient:  You mean the fun kind of dizzy and blurry vision like when I drink tequila?
Doctor:  Mmmm, not exactly, but it is what you make of it, I suppose.

Patient:  And I feel tired and weak all the time, so the other side effects shouldn’t be a problem.    
Doctor:  That’s the spirit!   

Patient:  But doc, I’ve read online that high blood pressure can be treated with lifestyle changes and natural medicines.  What do you think about that?

Doctor:  I try not to, because such things would make my profession nearly obsolete.  And be careful what you read online.  Lots of disreputable info out there.

Patient:  But you just told me to look up Lisinopril online!
Doctor:  I don’t have time for these mind games.    

Patient:  You don’t think that at least changing my diet might have some positive effect?
Doctor:  I don’t know what your diet is.

Patient:  You never asked.
Doctor (looks at watch):  Ok, I’ll humor you.  What’s your diet?

Patient:  I eat a lot of donut-pancake-bacon sandwiches and…

Doctor cuts patient off…. 

Doctor:  I’m sorry.  You actually stack those things together and make a sandwich?
Patient:  Yeah, who doesn’t?

Doctor (facepalms):  Right.  Go ahead.
Patient:  I drink about a gallon of diet coke every day.  Frozen pizza and hot pockets are also staples.    

Doctor:  Ok, ok, that’s enough.  Do you have stress?
Patient:  Yeah, duh.  Who doesn’t?

Doctor:  Ok, say no more.  (starts scribbling on notepad) I’m sending you to a psychiatrist.
Patient:  Really? Why?

Doctor:  To help you manage your stress.
Patient:  Gee, I dunno, doc.  I’m not sure I can afford that.

Doctor:  Don’t worry about it.  The government loves to get people on psyche meds, so there are lots of loopholes to exploit in your favor.    

Patient:  Really? Why do they want people on psyche meds?

Doctor scribbles more on notepad.

Patient:  What are you writing?
Doctor:  I’m making a note to let the psychiatrist know that you ask far too many questions and that this problem must be addressed at once.    

After waiting one month for an appointment, the patient goes to see a psychiatrist.  Patient enters office and is greeted by a gum smacking personal assistant.    

Patient:  Hi, I have an appointment.
Gum-smacker (nonchalant):  Have you been here before?

Patient:  No.

Gum-smacker slams heavy stack of papers on top of counter.    

Patient:  Is that a book of psychiatry?
Gum-smacker (rolls eyes):  You tryin to be funny?

Patient:  It was a serious inquiry.   
Gum-smacker:  Ya gotta fill all that out before you can be seen. 

Patient sits down and starts to fill out the leaning tower of legalese.

20 minutes later, and still filling it out….

Patient (to gum-smacker):  Hey, uh, sorry to bother you.  I know you’re really busy shuffling papers, drinking coffee, and smacking gum, but I have a question.   

Gum-smacker:  What about?
Patient:  One of the questions.

Gum-smacker:  You have a question about the questions?
Patient:  Yep.  Why do you need to know the name of the first street I lived on?

Gum-smacker (disinterested, avoids eye contact):  I dunno, ask the doctor.   

One hour later, the patient finishes filling in the blanks of the book and heaves it back on the counter.

Gum-smacker:  Please have a seat.

Patient sits for another hour, then is finally called in to see the psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist (fake smile):  Hi, how are you?
Patient:  My hand hurts.

Psychiatrist:  Why does your hand hurt?
Patient:  From writing my autobiography in triplicate in your waiting room.

Psychiatrist starts scribbling in notebook.

Patient:  What are you writing?
Psychiatrist:  Just some observations.  Please, have a seat.

Patient (gawking around):  I don’t see a comfy sofa.
Psychiatrist (forced chuckle):  It’s not like on TV.  But please, the folding chairs are much cozier than they look.

Patient sits on folding chair.  Psychiatrist sits in ergonomically correct captain’s chair.    

Psychiatrist:  So you’re here because of stress, right?
Patient:  That’s what the other doctor told me.    

Psychiatrist:  What causes you stress?
Patient:  Red tape and unnecessarily long waits.    

Psychiatrist:  Are you familiar with the term “passive aggressive behavior”?
Patient:  No, what’s that?

Psychiatrist:  It’s what you just did.   
Patient:  Telling the truth is passive aggressive behavior?

Psychiatrist (while scribbling):  What else causes you stress?   
Patient:  Well, half my salary gets stolen by the feds, so that’s pretty stressful.  I mean, why should I be working half the time for them? It doesn’t make any sense.    

Psychiatrist (raised eyebrow, scribbling super fast):  Mmmm, I think we’ve found the problem.  You have what’s called “Oppositional Defiant Disorder”.    

Patient:  That sounds completely made up.
Psychiatrist:  I’m going to give you a prescription for Adderall and Risperidone.    

Patient:  Do they have any side effects?
Psychiatrist:  Yes, of course.  Too many to name.  Actually, chances are, you’ll never feel normal again.

Patient:  Then why should I take them?
Psychiatrist:  So you don’t feel normal.

Patient:  You’re very confusing. And are you sure those drugs are ok to take together?  
Psychiatrist:  No, I’m not sure.  But the chance of death is between moderate and slim, so I think it’s a safe bet.    

Patient:  Uh, gee, thanks doc, but I think I might try some natural ways to deal with stress instead.  I might even try working “under the table” so I can avoid spending half my time slaving away for the government.  Thanks, but no thanks.    

Psychiatrist:  But you have O.D.D! This is a very serious condition!   
Patient:  I’m pretty sure that it’s totally made up and has no basis in reality, so I’ll have to say no.    

Patient walks towards door to leave.

Psychiatrist (yelling):  Please, just try the drugs! I'm falling behind on my speed boat payments!  
 
https://draxe.com/natural-ways-to-lower-blood-pressure/

https://articles.mercola.com/high-blood-pressure/medications.aspx#_edn5

http://www.greenmedinfo.com/toxic-ingredient/adhd-drugs

https://nypost.com/2014/01/04/adhd-does-not-exist/

https://www.naturalnews.com/2018-05-31-millions-of-children-now-on-mind-altering-psychiatric-medication.html

https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2013/10/03/antidepressant-side-effects.aspx

https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/07/04/risperdal-for-autism-fraudulent-marketing.aspx 

 https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/disruptive-impulse-control-and-conduct-disorders/what-are-disruptive-impulse-control-and-conduct-disorders 

Thanks for your time and attention!

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Top image is from flickr