Strange Interchange With A Person In A White Coat (MEDICAL SATIRE)

Could it involve anything without overpriced pill-popping and an ax job?

Doctor (finishes looking at medical charts):  Uh, huh.  (looks at patient) It looks like you need open heart surgery.
Patient (gasps):  Why is that, doc?

Doctor:  Basically, not enough blood is getting to your heart.  This is because one of your arteries is more clogged than a New York City subway at rush hour.   

Patient:  Oh, dear! How did this happen? I was taking the statins you prescribed! Why didn’t they work?

Doctor:  I’d never say that pharmaceuticals don’t work, of course.  That might cost me my perks.  But let’s stay on track here.  We gotta get you on the choppin block.    

Patient:  But how did this happen? I don’t get it!
Doctor:  It could be genetics, but also lifestyle comes into play.  What’s your diet like?

Patient:  I try to eat as much pig fat as possible.

Doctor:  Hmmm, interesting.  Do you also eat a lot of processed foods, ya know, ones with ingredients that you can’t pronounce?

Patient:  Only on weekdays.

Doctor:  Do you exercise?
Patient:  I try not to.    

Doctor:  I see…..So anyway, I recommend bypass surgery.

Patient:  Wait a sec, doc, maybe if I eat less pig fat, and eat foods I can pronounce, and exercise, would that help fix the problem?

Doctor:  Over a long period of time, perhaps, but you don’t have that kind of time.  If we don’t cut you open soon, you’re bound to keel over in agony at any moment.    

Patient:  Cut me open?!
Doctor:  Well, just what the hell do you think surgery is?

Patient:  Can you tell me the details of what a bypass surgery is like?
Doctor:  Well, it depends.  What kind of insurance do you have?

Patient:  The cheapest I can find.

Doctor:  Well, in that case, you get chopped open with basically a sanitized ax. Then we spread open your rib cage to reach the heart.  After “borrowing” some healthy blood vessel from your leg or chest, we use it to replace the damaged area near your heart.    

Patient:  And if I had premium insurance?

Doctor:  Basically the same objective, but it’s done with fine robotic equipment capable of greater precision.  Not only that, but you get fresh flowers in the recovery room, which is a nice touch, I think.    

Patient:  Well, I can’t afford it, anyway.
Doctor:  Then why did you ask?

Patient:  Is there any risk of complications?

Doctor:  Oh, sure, there’s always risk of that.  Your kidneys could fail, you could die from an infection or blood clots, or maybe a heart attack or stroke.  The list is actually so long, I can’t remember it all.    

Patient:  Would I have to take pills after the surgery?
Doctor:  Of course! You’ll have to take pills the rest of your life, unless you change your bad habits.    

Patient:  But I like my habits…..
Doctor:  I know, and honestly, it’s a good thing that people have bad habits, or I’d be out looking for honest work.    

Patient:  Do the pills have side effects?
Doctor:  Depends on who you ask.  Ask a pharmaceutical lawyer, the answer is no.    

Patient:  That was a dodgy answer.  So if I take the pills, can I still sit around all day eating pig fat?
Doctor:  You could….but eventually the same problem would happen.    

Patient:  Is there a plan B?   
Doctor:  You could have a stent put in.

Patient:  What’s that?
Doctor:  It’s a small metal scaffold that forces your artery to stay open.

Patient:  Oh, that sounds better than the ax.  Tell me about the procedure.
Doctor:  Well, we cut open your groin, then stick a tube in and..

Patient:  Ok, that’s enough! I’ll take the ax to the chest!
Doctor:  Ok, we’ll get that scheduled for you within the next 8-30 weeks.    

Patient:  Oh my God! I thought this was urgent! Why so long of a wait?
Doctor:  How should I know? I just work here.   

Learn about some of the medical mafia’s “treatments” for problems associated with the heart and circulatory system and the possible side effects @    

https://www.healthline.com/health/heart-bypass-surgery#causes

https://www.healthline.com/health/angioplasty-and-stent-placement-heart#overview1

http://www.greenmedinfo.com/guide/health-guide-statin-drugs

https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2012/10/15/statin-drugs-on-coronary-disease.aspx

https://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2013/10/09/statin-cholesterol-lowering-drugs.aspx

http://www.greenmedinfo.com/toxic-ingredient/beta-blockers 

Thanks for your time and attention!

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Top image is from flickr