The Truth? I'm Scared...and That's OK.

The last four days have been a blur. I'm not sure what I have accomplished, but somehow, as I look around at my surroundings, things seem to be somewhat "put together." I can't say this was because of me, however...my children (7 and 9 years old) have somehow recently developed this amazing ability to clean and help around the house. They are so amazing.

On Monday, Tim and I went to a long-awaited appointment with my maternal fetal medicine specialist. The purpose of the appointment was to see what the status was of my baby's placenta. To give you a bit of background information, there are pregnancy conditions called placenta accreta percreta, and increta. These three conditions occur when the placenta implants low, usually at the front of the placenta instead of it's regular implantation site, which is usually at the top and back of the uterus. These conditions have been growing much more common as we have seen an increase in c-sections because the placenta tends to implant at the scar site.

At 6-weeks pregnant, I was told that there was the possibility that the placenta was abnormally implanting near my c-section scar from my two past pregnancies. I was also informed that a smart decision at that time would be to abort the baby, because of the high risk of complications that could result in miscarriage or my own death. While I fully support a woman's choice with her body, my choice was not to abort. Motherhood is the greatest experience I have ever had and I knew in the deepest part of my being that abortion was absolutely not the right choice. Since those early appointments, I had been practicing visualizations and concentrated meditation quite often. I visualized my c-section scar holding strong, not allowing the placenta to grow through.

At 18-weeks, I went to an appointment with my specialist, and it looked as if everything was moving in a positive direction. It was definite that I had Placenta Previa (which means part or all of the placenta is blocking the cervix, but hopes were high that it would migrate up as the baby and uterus grew. I forgot all about the worries of placenta accreta and moved forward with the understanding that the worse-case-scenario would mean that I would have another C-section.

At 22-weeks, Tim rushed me to the emergency room because I was losing astronomical amounts of blood. After 4-days, I was released with the advice of modified bedrest and to come back to the hospital immediately if there was anymore bleeding.

The 24-week appointment revealed that our hopes that the placenta was migrating up were dashed. Doctor Wallace is almost certain of placenta increta and more than likely, placenta percreta, since he cannot see any division between the placenta and my bladder in the ultrasound.

I have spend a lot of time researching this condition, as I had absolutely never heard of it before this pregnancy. I had no idea that having two c-sections would cause my risk for this to increase dramatically. After reading the stories of other women who have experienced this, I have seen that there is hope, yet the emotional and physical trauma is immense. Every experience I read is different, but all of these mothers have had to endure many challenges, including recovery from blood transfusions, bladder repair surgery (sometimes multiple times), and weeks or months in the hospital. To make matters worse, these babies are both at 34-35 weeks (if they make it that far without hemorrhaging), which is premature. This means that there are weeks of care for the baby in the NICU unit. The beautiful experiences of the holding the baby directly after delivery and breast feeding are rare, and the mother usually wakes up from a very long surgery with her baby in another room attached to machines and feeding tubes.

Since childhood, I have had a natural tendency to continue to hold positivity throughout my fear. I have also had the tendency to block fear or discount it as unnecessary--probably to avoid trauma. I was reminded by my close friend the other day that it is OK to feel scared. It can be worse to stifle the feeling and it is important to acknowledge it. Never before, have I been so afraid of every feeling I have in my body--any sensation of pain (even the ones that are considered "normal") completely takes me out of my environment and into a place of fear. Never before have I felt as scared of what is going on in my body as I do now.

The whirlwind of emotions I've experienced lately are inexplicable--between the excitement of having a sweet baby boy join my family to the fear of this condition--I feel as if I don't know myself anymore. However, even before I have seen what the impact of this whole experience will be, I have decided that I will devote myself to sharing this experience with others so that they will not be uninformed or completely in the dark like I was. I will be here to help others who go through this strange experience. I also am becoming more and more aware of the importance of donating blood! So many of these scenarios result in massive blood loss and because of the donations from others, women survive this!

Each day, amidst the fear, I wake up with gratitude that is different than I have experienced before. I am grateful for my amazing children, and my relationship with Tim and my friends and family that have supported me. I am grateful for this beautiful and active baby boy that is constantly reminding me of his presence in my body. I am grateful for each day that I do not hemorrhage again and for every new day that this baby can grow inside of my body. I am thankful for the thoughts and prayers from those in my community. It does not go unnoticed.