What is PTSD Anyway?

An old friend of mine wrote this for a small newsletter a while back, and recently asked me to share it. Hopefully it can be of some help to you if you are struggling with past traumas.

What is P.T.S.D. Anyway?

During my lifetime, I’ve been to five professional counselors and one psychiatrist for help and/or treatment. On at least two of those occasions, I was told within fifty minutes that I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My first thought when told this was “what?” Then the therapist would go into detail explaining their case.

So without going into the reason for the disorder, I thought I’d take you into the world of P.T.S.D.

First of all, if you’ve ever looked inside my car, truck, house, basement, or even looked at my desk in elementary school desk or the corner of my dorm room in college, you would probably say the word “disorder.” Or perhaps, “That dude is a mess.” It’s not like I was in a bombed foxhole in Vietnam for days or saw someone murdered. Mine was an evil act by an evil and disturbed person. It was someone taking advantage of a young child.

I do have a school counseling degree, but by no means consider myself an expert on the subject of P.T.S.D. I can only speak from personal experience.

The previous sentence is known as a “disclaimer.”

Humor probably should not be used when speaking about a topic as serious as P.T.S.D., but it has helped me survive and deal with many a difficult day. So from what the experts tell me, my P.T.S.D. results in my brain being affected by some trauma my system couldn’t handle at an early age. Your brain basically says “I can’t take this,” and either shuts down or locks up the trauma in a place that will on occasion come back and “visit.”

My coping method was to check out. I can check out easily. The “checking out” can be emotional or physical. Checking out is especially difficult to deal with when you are studying Algebra, Chemistry, English or any other subjects that involve linear thought.

At first, I didn’t know what caused the P.T.S.D. It was in my early thirties that I started remembering what caused the “disorder.” Which means that I basically was partially checked in and out at some level for decades. When the memories did come back, I’d repress them. But sooner or later your body, soul, and spirit will tell you it’s time to remember. You really do not want to go back through the pain, but it’s either that or continue living a life of misery.

So here’s an amateur's attempt at telling you what it’s like to live with P.T.S.D.

Here we go. I’m still here. Really!

Around twenty years ago, I was in my home. My house has hardwood floors. Actually, they are heart pine. I was resting on the couch and looked down at the floor. I started crying. I couldn’t stop crying. Later that week in a therapy session, I realized that the trauma had occurred in a room with hardwood floors. Not simply a hardwood floor, but a hardwood floor with the sun coming through a window, with fan noise flickering in the background.

So if I were ever in a room with any of these sounds or sights, my anxiety level would increase. Until you are ready to “remember” the “hardwood floor” and why the “hardwood floor” affects your life, you will not heal.

One day it’s the memory of a hardwood floor. One day it’s the smell of a room, and/or a person. In my case, the evil person’s clothes smelled like cigarette smoke. If I’m around someone whose clothes smell like cigarette smoke, you might as well start calling the psych hospital.

One day it’s the weather, or hanging out with a young child that reminds you of yourself or one of your childhood friends. This list is endless.

But the bottom line is that you have to pay attention to how you feel. If you do not, you will not connect the “content” to the “feeling.”

In the old days, the feeling would come up and the theme from “Mr. Ed” would enter stage left of my brain. The memory or emotional or physical pain was still there. “Mr. Ed" would just distract me. It’s kind of like singing a song in your head while you are at the dentist.

So I had a whole world in my head that I could visit when any memory of hidden trauma occurred. Many people take up drinking or drugs to curb their anxiety. I was fortunate to grow up in a substance-free home. So thanks to my parents, I didn’t become a drug and/or alcohol abuser.

After remembering and connecting the emotions to the situation, I’d be able to distinguish between a hardwood floor I was actually seeing and a hardwood floor from my childhood. Sometimes I would have to walk out of a room and walk back in the room to notice the difference.

Once at a therapy appointment, the Doctor looked at me and asked how well I wanted to become. I thought about it for a few seconds. My reply was “eighty percent.” I proceeded to tell the therapist that I had basically survived on my creative skill set. I would “freak out” and go into that creative disassociated state land because of pain.

As I healed, I began to enjoy going to that land because I knew I could return. For the first time in my life, I felt joy going in to “happy land.” So the eighty percent was safe enough to know that I could come back home went I went away to playland. The therapist grinned and said, “that sounds about right”.

So the P.T.S.D. will always be with me. Because of insurance, I’ve mostly paid cash the therapy I’ve received. Except for the one time in 1993 that I claimed one session and Anthem/Blue Cross turned me down for insurance that year when I applied as a self-employed person. So the insurance companies do not know about my four letters with periods at the end of each letter. God forbid anyone would get better.

So that’s the small world of P.T.S.D. I wouldn’t recommend it. But there is hope to maybe not cure, but definitely overcome it. According to the experts, the sooner you get treatment, the better off you will be.

Oh yeah. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. I deal with my P.T.S.D. a little bit at a time. Sometimes I go for weeks and forget I have the “disorder.”

I just thought you’d rather hear it from me than Oprah.

If you need help, and aren't sure where to turn,check out this article: https://greatist.com/grow/resources-when-you-can-not-afford-therapy