Soul searching
We put a lot of time and energy into searching for 'who we really are'. We read books and do tests and puzzle away to know what kind of person we are, what character traits we have, what our personality behaves like and how it explains who and how we are in daily life. But, all that is based on the idea that identity is something fixed, something 'out there to be discovered'. Is identity really 'something'? Being an introvert, being an extravert, being good at this and terrible at that - is it default, or did it happen somewhere within our range of control? And if it is in our control, what can we do about it?

Spiritual teachers tell us our identity is not fixed - any part of it that seems consistent is a pattern of behaviour we repeated again and again till we forgot there are thousands of ways to respond in any given situation. Those patterns start with very simple, often very small decisions. One time in school when you raised your hand for the first time, you gave the teacher an answer and the whole class was laughing at you. At that moment of feeling ashamed, you decide you won't raise your hand again. Maybe even now as you are 40 years old and attend your office meetings - you don't speak up. It is not so much your default character at work here - it is a decision you took long ago and the habits you evolved from there on which give you the personality you now perceive to have.

Why do we evolve these habits, these routines?
There are two important aspects to it. First, those small decisions just stick. At least they do, till you become aware of them, remember actually making them. From that moment on you realise this habit is not your default setting, you yourself decided for it at some point. Which means you could also decide to change that decision and as such, your behaviour and even your character and personality.

Second, we tend to follow routines because it makes us feel safe. When we do as we have always done, we feel we know what to expect. Being familiar with our own behaviour and the response we get from others, gives us a feeling of being in control. Even (!) if those outcomes are not what we desire most. Sometimes you'll go back to nagging your husband and picking a fight just because you have done it so often and repeating the same cycle makes you feel things are as they are supposed to be.

The price we pay
However. Our routines and habits, the character and personality traits we have moulded for ourselves - they come at a price. That price is the opportunity to be spontaneous. To give a fresh response to a fresh moment in our lives. To play with life and to be who or whatever is most required or desired at any given moment in time. You are actually free to explore many ways of being! One time you may step into a room full of people and quietly find a seat next to a person who seems very friendly and sensitive and pick up a personal and intimate conversation. Next time you may step into a room full of people and directly pick out the party types and party along. And a next time you can try being just the invisible witness to whatever happens in that room and between those people.

What is at the core of you?
If you have the courage to play with behaviour, with identity like that - then a funny thing will happen. You will start realising that your behaviour is not the core of who you are. There are many things we can mistake for being the real us. Some people confuse themselves to be their thoughts, others identify with their emotions, some people strongly identify with their physicality, their appearances. Just like you can develop the courage to play with your behavior - be an introvert the one time, an extravert the next - you can also be flexible in your thoughts and emotions and physical appearance. It is just one way to find out what is at your core, what you really are. Who you are, really.

This post is an invitation for you to look in at who you are, not as if it is a fixed thing you can discover, but knowing you made this version of you by decisions of the past. And since decisions can be changed, you can be changed. Want to make some alterations? Here are the steps that will get you there. Find out:

1. the decisions that got you where you are now
2. why you decided and why you don't agree with your decision anymore
3. where and who you would want to be
4. and the decisions needed to get you there - make them, and act accordingly.

If you feel the points above are useful but the perspective doesn't fully make sense to you yet, you could decide to watch this video from our YouTube channel which explores the same subject.

Have an opinion on the matter?
Thank you so much for reading this post! Also, if you have an opinion on this matter - identity, and whether we have a default character or our personality is the result of our decisions - we would love to hear it! What do you think, what are your experiences, and do you feel your perspective is empowering to you and if yes, how? Very open to discuss and also, if you have any feedback on how this post is put together or style or the way we are putting this message out there, will be greatly appreciated!