Started growing my hair out for protection...

Ended up cutting my hair for protection from my protectors.

Our plane leaves in just a few days, it will be the first time my girlfriend visits another country, she's never even been on a flight before.

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Since the place we are visiting is more dangerous than what she is used to, I was trying to run down the basics by her. Not to ever lose sight of your phone, never leave doors unlocked, don't ever tell anyone how much you make, try not to display anything of value unnecessarily, just the basics. Then I got to the subject of the police because they are up to no good where we are going since a police officer gets paid 35 cents of a dollar per hour, they need to make a living somehow I guess, so they target anyone they think they can get any money out of.

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My survival strategy growing up like this was not to have much so no one can take it from me. I dress in shorts and flip-flops, only a t-shit because the weather allows. People wouldn't generally assume I am up to crime if they see me in flip-flops because it can make running more difficult, instead they tend to think I live near by.

The main reason I prefer sandals other than they are fresher is because police see me as less of a target, they can't even take my shoes.

I am more afraid of police than unbadged criminals for one reason, their word is supposed to be more trustworthy than yours. If you get accused of being a thief where I come from you can easily get lynched, if you are a cop you can shoot a couple of people and the others will keep away enough for there to be a trial, that will most likely be in favor of the cop unless there is video and it becomes public. There's rarely video, the guy holding the phone for filming would probably get shot first.

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When you are learning how to drive a car people have a saying that goes along the lines of "you should never stop for anyone, not even police, on the shadow". What this really means is you should always try to find more people if someone is trying to get you to pull over, witnesses.

My girlfriend wanted to dye her hair and I advised her not to because I was afraid it would attract cops. She wanted to go from blond to a really bright red. I told her that with the blond she would look a little more conservative, that she was already taller than the average person and a red so intense would make her stand out a lot. Red is also a passionate color, is risky, perhaps our brain has grown to recognize the color red as an alert because we should probably do something if we see that color pouring out of our body. While red is my favourite color and I like it on hair, I had to tell her I didn't think it would be a wise choice to dye it.

She did it anyways, regretted, went back to blond and I tried my best to keep my mouth shut through that whole process even though she wouldn't.

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I started growing my hair a little over a year ago for the second time since I have been on testosterone. As it turns out, I discovered there were certain positive things about having long hair the first time I gave long hair a try without the bias of it being something that was expected of me because of the genitals I was born with. Things that relate to protection, from the sun, from bugs, from the weather, from impacts to the head. My crazy curls would also have the added effect of people thinking I don't give a fuck and not wanting to mess with me. When people think you are a man, the criticism for not cutting your hair is more than when you are a woman, with women it usually is the other way around.

Last time I had a major haircut like this was when I needed money, that is what drove me to cut it last time I did. There is a certain convenience to having short hair, less maintenance. But when I lost my hair I realized about all the things it was helping me with, things I couldn't possibly explain to anyone, things that you should experience if you can.

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When I went without cutting any hair at all anywhere on my body, one morning after coming out of the shower I looked in the mirror and I saw the ones that came before me. I knew that I was part of this world, that I had originated on earth, at least in this form. I saw history when I looked in the mirror, I saw many stories.

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Not everyone would experience the same when allowing their hair to be, I am sure, but I don't know of of anyone who has done this and come back from it the same person, even if they decide to continue to shave later on, which is totally okay. What I have found the best for me doesn't have to be the best for everyone.

Being in the position of having to tell my girlfriend about the dangers of perception when it comes to hair, made me reflect on my own image and its consequences. Sometimes I can become too confident in my ability to deflect attention from me if it's not convenient, but now I wasn't alone and I hadn't taken that into account.

She says that she went blond again because she didn't like it, and I can believe that is part of the reason, but I also know she did it because she realized I was speaking sense in my warnings. She sacrificed her desires for me, for our safety.

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Last night, after much internal debate I decided that my desire to protect her is also my desire to protect myself. It will be like this so long as we have feelings for each other and people know that.

By myself, being perceived as a man, people are not likely to want to approach me with long hair. It's not that people aren't nice to me, they are very nice, but their perception of me is one of a man without a master. I either have a lot of money because who would hire that messiness to represent a company, or he has to be the boss of some company and that's why he has no dress code. Some people don't react well to the hair, but most people do, in a one to one interaction.

However, when we are speaking about groups, when we are speaking about order, then hair does become a problem. I can see how health may have been a factor in the past to cut hair, we didn't have as much technology as we do now to fight pests. But I can't really see a valid reason to cut hair when I measure it against the benefits of not doing so that I have experienced and have seen others experience.

Ever notice how institutions like to control hair? Prison? Military? Schools? Religions?

There are a few professions in which cutting your hair may be beneficial. If you are working with very powerful machines and risk your hair getting stuck then you may want to look into alternatives. Pilots, for example, are required to shave so that the oxygen mask can seal better in case of emergency.

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But I am not a pilot, and in my context hair protects me more than it hurts. That was until I started dating this girl, now we are giving a combined image, my context is not my own anymore, my image is not only my own and that has been giving me some troubled thoughts. Everything seems a little more uncertain.

It is a weight on me to be aware of another as well as aware of myself, but I suppose that is the price for those who dare love.

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