I'm Fat (Comedy Open Mic Round 15)

in funny •  6 months ago

The title of this blog is pretty accurate... I am a large fella. It isn't because of a condition or anything, I just like soda and macaroni and cheese a lot. 

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Recently I turned 40 and my 9 year old son beat me in basketball in the same week. I've decided to lose weight.

First I thought about exercise, and looked at all the exercise I was already doing. Pretty much the only activity I got was having sex with my wife.  My generally active sex life with my wife is probably the only reason I don't way 300 pounds right now. So I had this conversation with my wife.

Me: You know, if we had sex more often I could probably lose some weight.

Her: You know, if you could lose some weight we could have sex more often.

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Well... that plan didn't work. On to step two.

Next I tried, playing basketball to get back in shape. I went to the YMCA and started training again. I was a baller back in the day...

The first game, I was on point. Hitting threes, getting rebounds and making some great passes. Luckily we were only playing half court. I was feeling pretty good. I wasn't pushing it too hard, and felt like I could be an active person again, lose some weight and get laid more.

The second game started out great. I wasn't picked last, I hit the opening shot and then on a rebound I tried jumping, but I went down faster than Stormy Daniels on prom night. I pulled my calf muscle. I guess it was the calf paying me back for all the hamburgers I've eaten. 

I crawled off the court and told my teammates I was done... well done. 

I had to take three days off from work, and lay in bed all day. I actually gained 8 pounds during my injury, because for some reason macaroni and cheese was my only comfort food.

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So now it's been over a month. I'm fatter, my leg is more fragile and now I'm catching my wife watching shirt-less Thor scenes on YouTube late at night. Things are going downhill fast.

Ok I get it, I'm no Thor, and I better do something quick. But what... how can I lose weight without being disciplined and working out? 

If only there was some kind of full body exercise that was low impact and where my gut doesn't shake out of my shirt.  

To my surprise, I found one sport that fulfilled all of those requirements... except for the gut and the shirt thing.

I decided to start swimming. I also realized if I got between 9am and 10am, there is really nobody at the pool, so only the 16 year old life guard will see my gut. Don't worry, I told her to close her eyes until I got into the water... I didn't want to ruin the image of a perfect "dad bod" for this young girl.

Now I'm swimming. I've swam a mile in the last two days, and I am feeling great. Well, I'm feeling better. I've also decided to quit soda for a while... Even though I quit soda, I thought about starting coke to lose weight, but I don't have that kind of money with the crypto markets down. 

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So as of right now, I'm still fat, but I am going to lose some weight. I want to see my junk again without using a mirror or my phone's camera. I want to be able to walk up stairs without taking a snack. I've done this all before. I lost 75 pounds two years after college. When I was skinny I found my wife, and I don't want to lose her now that I'm fat. It is time to lose the weight again.

My goal is to lose another 75 pound by Christmas. Mainly because all the good ugly Christmas sweaters are not made in triple-x sizes. My goal is to drop weight faster than ABC dropped Roseanne. I think I can do it... as long as I don't drown, I should be good. Here's a actual GIF of me in the pool.

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So let my fat story be motivational. Go out and do something to make sure you never look like me. 

Have a wonderful day and thank you for reading.

On a side note... I will swim a lap tomorrow for every upvote I get. lol

I nominate @Gank and @impatientoptim

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I almost cried when you said you need a mirror or camera to see you junk

Can you swim my upvote lap faster than the others? I like to win.

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yes!!! It will only take 1,753 seconds.

ha ha ha ha but i am not fat.... I wanna slap fat people :p :p

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You can slap me, but I slap back. I hope you're fast. lol

Upvoted for motivation!

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Thank you my brother!

what's a movie

Hahaha, I hope your post follow your body, that is fat.

lol! I wish you the best of luck ma man! Great story!

Winny out...for now ;)

Friend what are you trying to say is that your married life is disgusting, why are you fat?

because that's what I was able to perceive.
And that really is bad, because if your wife does not love you, you do not love her either.
Also I have the solution, you lose not only 75 pounds, but 100 or more, come to Venezuela, and spend 2 months here, and you will be better than thor.

You're too late, I'm already fat. Nothing can be done about it, because I have a freezer full of grass fed beef.

I like fat persons. But the fact is that they are lazy persons. They can not acheive the goals that other persons can done. We can say that fat persons are lazy machines. Positve signs about these is that slow machine produce a high cost of products. So anybody can not be neglected in this worls.