Dairy monkeys out of work

Not Exactly a Scientific Article

Why Humans Don't Drink Monkey Milk

Mammaries (not shown) 

An entire species is named after mammaries, and it's for a good reason. Mammals love milk, and milk flows naturally from the mammaries, giving nourishment and life to the mammalian offspring, until the mother shakes them off at some point, forcing the young to seek nourishment elsewhere.

Humans are no exception, and humans like milk so much, they will seek it long after their mothers have snarled and chased them away from her own breast. Humans, having lots of cows laying around with nothing to do, got an idea. Cows appear to be full of milk.

Why Cows?

How did cows become the second mother to mankind? Cows are nothing like humans-- even their mammaries are weird-- but humans discovered that cows were biological grass-processing machines, standing around making fortified grass milk all day, and back in the early days of Earthly existence, the childish desire for milk must have sent some brave ancient cowboy up under some primitive cow to try sucking on the strange udder. The cows didn't seem to care, and this peculiar relationship was formed. Cows were manageable and generally easygoing, and the whole family would take turns squatting down under the animal's bountiful dangling sack, filling up on the fresh warm organic grass milk.

Upon examining, sucking or squeezing, and ultimately tasting the cow, it begins to become clear why humans don't get milk from monkeys, (in case anybody but me was wondering) and I probably won't even bother calling the Dairy Industry to ask; "why don't humans get their milk from monkeys?" I won't call the zoo to ask them, or even the County Extension Office. Instead, I asked a local farmer. 

The conversation with old Mr. Perkins down by the fence line:

ME: "Mr. Perkins, why don't we get our milk from monkeys?"

Mr, Perkins: "What kind of... . Why hell, boy... you ever try to milk a monkey?"

ME: "No sir, I've never tried to milk ANYthing, but it seems like monkeys are more like humans than cows, and if people want to get milk from an animal, seems like they'd take to their own kind, like the familiar... parts, of primates, and all..."

Mr. Perkins: "Now you see, that's your trouble there-- monkeys are TOO familiar... there's eye contact." A cow is miles away from all that squeezin' and suckin'... but a monkey? Not for all the got-dang bananas in the world is a monkey gonna let you squeeze it's tit, much less suck on it."

ME: "Sure, but modern dairy farms have machines that the cows are hooked up to, cramped in tiny stalls so they can't kick around any, and all of the hormone injections grow 'em into these grotesque monsters with tubes and clamps, couldn't they do that with monkeys too?"

Mr. Perkins: "Son, I don't know how you got it in your head that you want some milk from a dang monkey, but I gotta tell you, they ain't like us atall... not a single bone in a person's body is the same as the bones of any apes, or monkeys, or what have ya.  There's no relation. Now, if you wanna make some kind of unnatural relations with a monkey, that's your business. I prefer goats myself."

Conclusion

Mr. Perkins never looked at me the same after that, and I decided to quit getting goat milk from him anymore  after that too. It was a simple question, and Mr. Perkins pretty well gave some simple answers, as to why most humans don't get their milk from monkeys.

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thanks, fellow humans, for reading this far, I do appreciate it.

next time on Sience Korner; whales are mammals, can we milk them without too much trouble? 

images by Pixabay