Anyone who has ever been a thirteen year old boy has uttered the phrase, “Hur hur. I’m gonna be a porn star when I grow up.” Being a male porn star is a lot more than just banging hot chicks all day, and by “a lot more”, I mean “a lot more fucked up.” Making movies is grueling work, with constant starts and stops, hot ass lights right above your head, cameras pointed at you, directors yelling at you, and you have to keep your dick hard the whole time or everything comes to a grinding halt.

When I go into a minimum wage job interview I’m so full of self-doubt and anxiety that I’m shaking like one of those creepy hairless dogs. If I get hired to do porn it had better be some weird fetish shit where I throw up on my dick and pass out. Because that’s what's gonna happen as soon as the camera turns on.

To make matters worse, male porn stars earn a fraction of what their female counterparts do. Where’s your wage gap now Feminists? Many cocks for hire wind up resorting to doing gay porn to make ends meet. They call it “Gay for pay.” Most men who get into the porn industry are there because they have a higher than normal risk tolerance, or they just make a lot of bad decisions. Put those factors in a martini shaker, add drugs, and a fucked up childhood and you have a gourmet recipe for disaster.

John Holmes

John Holmes was one of the first “big” name male porn stars. I’m not going to go into too much detail on Holmes because you can just watch “Wonderland” starring Val Kilmer and featuring a stellar performance by Josh Lucas. Just don’t watch it on acid like I did. Terrible, terrible decision.

“Boogie Nights” was also loosely based on Holmes’s life.

Short version: Holmes was a hopeless coke head who spent all his fuck money on blow until he was out of a job because he couldn’t get his dick up anymore. Holmes and his dipshit burnout friends on Wonderland Avenue robbed their drug dealer, Eddie Nash. It took Nash five seconds to figure out what happened and kidnapped Holmes. Vegas icon, Liberace’s, coked out boy toy reported being at Nash’s house while scoring some yayo and saw Holmes tied to a chair and getting the living shit beat out of him.

Nash and his goons took Holmes to his crib and forced Holmes to help them murder his friends by beating them to death with pipes and hammers. no one was convicted for the Wonderland murders because nobody talked, and a lack of evidence. Nash did get raided and the cops found a million bucks or so worth of cocaine in his house, so his life sucked. Holmes died of AIDS.
The end.

Completely unrelated, but writing this made me think of a funny joke:

Q: What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on top of him?
A: Get off me homes!
A Mexican told me that joke, so it’s not racist.

Stephen Clancey Hill

Stephen Hill, aka Steve Driver, got arrested in college for threatening to shoot a teacher’s assistant for not giving him an A on a test he never took. He did three years in the pen and 18 months under house arrest; during which time he became addicted to porn, racking up $20k in credit card bills buying smut. He couldn’t get a real job because of his criminal record and ironically bad credit so he went into the adult film industry. Mostly he just squatted on the studio lot, earning a few bucks here and there to mop up jizz. He did a few scenes where he capitalized on his freakishly large hands by jerking off on women and screaming, “Monster Hands!”

He landed a role playing Barack Obama in “Palin: Erection 2008”, but that didn’t work out because he was a nut bag and was told to get off the porn studio property because he didn’t meet their standards of professionalism. When a producer tried to kick him off the lot, Hill attacked him with a Samurai Sword and mostly chopped his arm off. He killed a fellow actor who tried to intervene and seriously fucked up another guy up. The Samurai sword was a dull prop from a fetish movie the studio had shot recently. Monster Hands had stolen the sword and sharpened it to a razor’s edge on his spare time. Everyone knows idle hands are the devil’s workshop.

Police caught up with him a few days later and cornered him on a cliff not very far from where the attack took place. People who knew Hill were scared shitless of him and were shocked to learn that instead of skipping town like a normal fugitive, Hill and his sword were just kicking it a few blocks over in the woods. He held the cops at bay for eight hours, threatening to stab himself, until they started tagging him with beanbags. It’s not clear if he fell to his death on accident, on purpose, or if the police just got tired of his shit and gave him a nudge. If you don’t mind hating yourself for doing it, you can watch and decide.

Bruno Knight

British native, Bruno Knight ran into a little bit of trouble while trying to board a plane at LAX to head home to England. Airport security found it interesting that an international traveler with no luggage was sweating like a whore in church and acting disoriented. TSA agents asked him if there was anything he’d like to tell them; at which point Bruno said something to the effect of, “Sorry mate. It’s just that I’m on a shitload of meth, weed, coke, and GHB.”

That was the wrong thing to say to the TSA; the only people on Earth more interested in going up inside someone’s anus than gay porn stars. Unfortunately for the TSA, they didn’t get to spend much time fingering Bruno’s pucker because shortly after being detained Bruno announced he was about to shit himself and produced two bags of crystal meth. There was a third bag that had to be removed with an enema at a hospital in Inglewood. Hopefully, someone involved with the incident didn’t pass up a golden opportunity to stare at the HALF POUND of meth coming out of this guy’s ass and shout, “Jesus Christ! What did you eat?”

That’s why I always make sure my drugs come stamped with the International Fairtrade Certification Mark.

If you enjoyed this post you might like The Dark Side of Being a Porn Star

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7