I am one of the few men on this beuatiful earth who has had the dedication, tenacity and luck to master the formidable battleground known to many as

Tinder

In this guide, I, your sanguine mentor, will teach you my ways - methods I have honed and perfected since the dawn of online dating. Unfortunately ladies, I only understand how the female mind works - and therefore, this is a guide for men.

One day, with enough practice (and reading this post the same way a Mormon reads the Bible), you will be just like me.
You'll have Brazilian supermodels paying for your flights to Rio at every opportunity you give them.
You'll have the presidents first lady sexting you during the acceptance speech.
You'll have the judges giving you court jester and a the curators upvoting 100%, simply in the hopes of getting a match with you.

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Anyway

without further ado, lets begin.

Step 1: The Bio

The bio is more important than pictures, women aren't after a guy who looks like a demi-god but has a bland personality, nonono. They'd much rather have a man who has an incredible personality but could look like like anything from Kermit the frog to Danny DeVito.

Today, I'm doing something that I never comprehended myself ever doing before this point; that's right - I'm going to share my Bio with you, this is the bio that has brought me success millions of times, in over 200 countries and territories around the world. My gene pool is already too prolific and I fear a lack of variation could spell trouble for mankind; that is why I am doing this.

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First, we spark interest by describing the perfect man.

Then we play some mind games by saying we don't like mind games.

In paragraphs two and three, we can see a very powerful shortlisting technique designed to save you time and effort.

Screw photos when you can just tell them how you look, also tell them what you're like so they don't need to spend time making their own judgements.

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As you can probably tell, a lot of thought has went into the image I'm trying to give off.

Every word is crafted with the intent on playing the innermost desires and weaknesses of any single, self respecting woman.

The most important thing to remember is to not come across like a relationship guy, women hate relationship guys - they'd much rather catch and pin down a player. Make a rolling stone into a stationary stone. You get the idea.

IMPORTANT:
This is my bio, it is unlikely to work on the same girl more than 10 times (especially with all of you being new to this world) so I strongly recommend changing some words or even sentences to give it an almost 'fresh' feel.

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Step 2: Choosing the right picture

Luckily for me, I'm the third result when you serch "hot guy" on google images.

For the rest of you, I'd recommend downloading photoshop and hiring a studio and a photo shoot.

If you are so bad that you're beyond saving, the best option is put all your favorite memes on your bio to show what you're all about. It's no secret that classy, sophisticated women love memes and are actually turned on by them tremendously.

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Step 3: Swiping

This is where the fun starts!

In your adventures, you will bump into some strange things:

It may be tempting to attempt to talk to this girl, but you must remember that sentences with little to no punctuation and spelling can be very hard to read.

Also, who is this one mate she has who's sole purpose is to watch movies?

Your bio cheered me up sweetheart.

Adam Sandier sounds very exotic.

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Step 4: Talking

Now that you have a match (hopefully), you're ready for your greatest challenge yet - talking to a female. It is hard, and requires a lot of practice, but thankfully you have me as a mentor so this shouldnt be difficult.

The hardest part is your opening line, so here's some examples of how I've broken the ice in the past:
(Crap, I just spilt beer on myself)

As you can likeley tell if you have any form of observational skill, I have full engagement from these matches, they are completely soaked.

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Sometimes you get the best results just by speaking complete gibberish (however, I feel like my bio and the geniusses behind swiftkey word prediction had a lot to do with this particular success):

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Step 5: The big ask

After texting a girl for about three months you are probably ready to meet and succeed together on the first 'date'. Just make sure that seconds before you do succeed, you mutter my username (@sisygoboom) in her ear.

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This was my entry to the #comedyopenmic round 6 competition! If you don't already know what it is, it's a weekly comedy competition with hundreds of SBD in prizes. I hope you've enjoyed learning my ways and put them to good use.

For every $2 this post makes, I'll post another flawless icebreaker in the comments!

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