After being in Amsterdam for 9 days, I noticed something: My clothes are looser! Therefore, I figured I must write this guide so others can lose weight, too. It's a surefire deal, really. (But don't take this too seriously.)

Step 1: Acquire a metric shitton of food allergies.

I'm talking a LOT of food allergies. I saw the most success with needing to be gluten-free and vegan, in addition to having allergies to peas, onions, sesame seeds, peanuts, and soy. I am also currently dealing with a nickel allergy, so throw out chocolate, leafy greens, nuts/seeds, and beans.

Step 2: Travel to a foreign country.

Particularly one with a language you don't know so you can't read ingredients on anything. Servers will also have a hard time understanding what you're asking them as well. This makes it even more of a challenge to eat anything. Hey! No one said this would be easy.

Step 3: Make sure your cell phone plan doesn't work in the foreign country.

I have Verizon, which charges $.50 per text, $1.79 per minute, and $2.05/MB for 3G data. This way, you can't check translations, look for allergy-friendly food, or order Ubers to go anywhere.

Step 4: Stick to basic foods.

I found that eating either bananas or rice seemed to work pretty well. I also recommend mainlining coffee for energy. Eat and drink them so much that you get tired of them and would rather not eat than continue to partake in the monotony. (You'll probably have lost at least 1-2 pounds by now -- Congratulations! The hard work and dedication to not dying via food allergies is paying off.)

Step 5: Get a mild cold while you're there. (Optional)

This step isn't absolutely necessary, but it will likely help in the weight loss journey. Since the weather is much different than you're used to (desert > the freaking arctic tundra) and you're not eating much, your body is going to hate you slightly more than usual. It will probably retaliate with a mild flu, but just ride it out. You're strong!

Okay, I lied. There's a Step 6.

Ignore ALL OF THIS. I'm kidding you big crazy head. Alas, although SteemFest was the best time of my life, it'll be nice to get back to my kitchen and cook real meals again. Aaaaaand, I can gain back the 2-3 pounds that vanished in Amsterdam.