This Man has done it! This Man finally escaped the clutches of That Guy, and is now home.

Safe!

Firstly, This Man must apologize. It has been a few weeks since This Man has been able to update This Blog. As many of you know, This Man has been trapped inside That Guy's makeshift dungeon prison for what seemed like an eternity.

At first, This Man had access to the outside world using This Man's trusty Thisamaphone.

Alas, This Man started losing signal within hours after sending This Man's last post. That Guy was most likely on to This Man and made This Man a victim of the That Jam.

I'm sure many of you were sending cards and well wishes This Man's way, but eventually stopped because you thought This Man was dead. This Man understands and would do the same for you.

This Man Will Now Explain Further Details

This Man nearly went insane. This Man can still hear That Guy's continuous whispering through the door even though This Man is currently looking at a different door.

"Psst! Nobody likes you!" Ten minutes later... "Psst! Nobody likes you!"

It went on like that for many days.

This Man knew That Guy was only trying to break This Man though. This Man cannot be broken and This Man does not get scared. It's in the rules.

The food was terrible, at first. Things started to improve though. It almost seemed like That Guy was trying to fatten up This Man. It wouldn't hurt This Man to gain a few pounds, but This Man thought maybe That Guy was planning to eat This Man.

Some deductive reasoning allowed This Man to maintain happy thoughts and attempt to rationalize things. That Guy did not have any other prisoners. That Guy would have starved to death if That Guy ate people. There could only be one or two logical explanations.

Obviously, That Guy was jealous of This Man's ability to pick up chicks and wanted This Man to be out of shape and less appealing to members of the opposite sex. Part of This Man also thought maybe That Guy was just into fat dudes. Either way, This Man tried to stay busy and do push-ups all day. This Man has seen the prison movies. This Man came prepared. This Man, knows what to do.

There Wasn't Much Room

In between sets, This Man would pace. Back and forth and forth and back went the This Man, all day and sometimes at night, in the dark.

A few times This Man ran into the wall but eventually This Man could pace that room in the dark with This Man's eyes closed.

The only source of light during the day was a well placed window up high enough to let in only a few of the glorious beams of sunlight. Everyday at precisely three in the afternoon, This Man could lay out on the floor and work on the This Man Tan. That was always a good time for This Man to think.

This Man did take a few photos of the room. This is where This Man lived for so very long.

Yes, that is what you think it is on the floor.

This Man Can Explain

As you can see by the photo, This Man's accommodations were not of the sumptuous brand. Cinder block wall, concrete floor. It appeared as though That Guy attempted a few renovations but This Man can see why he gave up on the project.

Any man who can't measure properly should stand clear of the lumber and let a real man do the work. This Man could see defeat in every cut.

There was a small drain on the floor that served as a urinal, but no place for my feces.

Yes, This Man is ashamed. This Man will have you know, This Man did ask That Guy to come and scoop the poops regularly. That Guy would always respond with, and This Man quotes:

Eat shit and die, This Man!

After a few days, the smell was already starting to bother This Man. This Man thought about opening the window but of course the window was too high and not of the opening variety. This Man also thought about smashing it but became worried. If This Man smashed the window, That Guy would probably fix it with scrap wood, tinfoil and duct tape.

This Man did not want to be left in the dark.

Think Think Think

Just like This Man's childhood hero, Pooh Bear.

If only This Man could find a way to climb up to the window and escape. This Man noticed it was a decent quality pane of glass, but nothing the Thisamaphone couldn't smash.

This Man spent many days pooping and pondering.

Songs would get stuck in This Man's head constantly. Being surrounded in feces seemed to trigger the Winnie the Pooh theme song quite often in This Man's mind.

Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. Blah blah blah blah blah blah

This Man didn't remember the entire song. This Man just kept hearing those same two lines over and over again.

Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the Pooh.Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the PoohWinnie the Pooh. Winnie the PoohWinnie the Pooh. Window the poo

Then it dawned on This Man!

The song was trying to tell This Man something!

Create... A Shit Post... and Climb Out!

This Man got to work right away.

This Man would hold everything in for as long as possible so it all came out packed up good and tight. This project required only the best building materials. This Man would avoid eating anything that gave This Man the squirts. A strong, firm, hearty bowel movement became This Man's biggest goal in life.

The pile grew... and grew... and grew!

Eventually, This Man had to perfect a technique which required a timed jump and then a quick push. This Man is a basketball fan. This Man called the move the Alley-poop.

Of course, many times the feces would just fall off of the pile and This Man would have to pick it up while pretending it was modeling clay.

This Man took photos during construction. Have a look.

After what you see there, This Man only required about forty more ounces to his freedom! This Man does regret wasting so much when This Man went a bit crazy and left a message, but, life goes on.

Once the shit post was stable, hardened, and high enough for This Man to use, it was go time.

It didn't take This Man long. The plan was rehearsed countless times. This Man even worked on his vertical, just in case. This Man doesn't cut corners and thinks of everything.

And Just Like That

This Man was a free man!

This Man got chased by a few dogs on the way out. Small ones, not much of a threat. One chick asked for This Man's number but stopped This Man midway due to the stench. That's fine with This Man for This Man is getting bored of blondes again.

This Man got home early this morning. About seven showers in, the stench remains, but This Man's spirit has lifted. This Man really missed This Blog.

This Man looks forward to reconnecting with This Man's old chums again. This Man missed this couch, the light switch. This Man even gave the refrigerator a well deserved man style hug. We go way back.

So anyway, it feels good to be home and This Man is glad to be back. Sorry to cut it short though. This Man heard there's a game of flag football going on and the Whales are playing. This Man never misses a game!

Hmmm, it appears This Man missed a text while This Man was busy giving everyone the low down. Check this out. Do you think he's mad?

I'll get you next time This Man.

Next time!

Reer!

All images seen here were produced by me. "Yeah, that was a loose Inspector Gadget reference at the end!"
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