It's Done: Hit #9

in #funny6 years ago

You know that thing you asked me to take care of?

It's done.

NoNamesLeftToUse - It's Done - Hit Nine.jpeg

There's your proof.

 
Now, let's talk about money.

I'm looking forward to seeing the rest of the payment. You have three days, you know this. Do not attempt any funny business with me. I do not play games unless I'm, playing games. This is not a game. You know this, I know this, and your husband found out the hard way.

Now, about that damage deposit.

I realize I offered a no mess guarantee. It was Christmas, I was drunk. I was attempting to broaden my horizons by offering special deals and discounts. Unfortunately, business did not pick up as expected and I'm kicking myself in the ass for spending so much money on those ads.

I apologize for the mess. Don't worry about the stains in the rug, you can always buy a new one. It looked cheap anyway. You can paint right over the splatter, nobody will notice. I'm sorry it had to move into the kitchen. I'm certain he was going for a knife and I had to finish the job before I put myself at risk. These sort of workplace injuries are hard to explain to the people who offer compensation for lost wages due to injury. My benefits actually stopped being beneficial to me last month. I have the worst toothache in the history of pain and can't even go see a dentist until I get my ass in gear and fill out these damn forms. I hate paperwork.

I'll be keeping the damage deposit. I know, I know. That's not fair...

Whatever. What are you going to do about it? Call the cops?

Highly un-fucking-likely.

Three days from now, don't forget. Don't pretend like you forgot my bitcoin address either because I did not forget your house address. Are we clear? Of course we are.

Have a nice day.

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Warning: If you are not the intended recipient of this message, you may be in danger.

This is why you should stop being so damn snoopy. I'm watching you and your every move. Put everything back inside the box as it was before you got your greasy hands on it. Open the other box. Inside, you'll find some clothes. Put them on. I know they don't fit, stop bitching. Make sure the pants hang down to your knees. Don't worry, the long shirt provided will cover your buttocks. Stop thinking it makes you look like a teenage girl at a sleepover party. That's the style now, for men, apparently. Once you have your costume on, take a few steps back, turn, then proceed walking down the sidewalk to the south. Keep your right hand still and sway your left arm as you walk. Be sure to keep your left side lower than your right side as you walk and always put more force on the left foot so your body sways with your arm. Now, you're gangsta. Own that walk all the way down the block. There's a man selling hot dogs on the corner. He works for me. Buy an all dressed footlong. Every time you take a bite, chew it fast, then say, DAYUM! Keep doing that for three hours. I know they don't taste good. Nobody else knows that and we think if someone just stood there acting like they're the bee's knees and the cat's meow for few hours, we'd get more customers. Just know, you're being recorded and will end up on my Youtube channel. We only have one shot at this. DO NOT screw it up.

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Credits:
All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me.
"Don't judge. It's honest work."
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Hm, I read nothing here that would lead me to believe you are a hitman. It sounds like blackmail from a potential tranny or one who posed as one...they wanted to incriminate the husband of some girl as a sort of exit scam that would leave her with a good portion of the wealthy husband's money. I feel during the act, photographic proof was obtained of the act. Where things may have gone wrong and damage done is a combination of anal fissures and what is known as the plunger effect. The plunger has been known to make quite the mess in these situations. The plan apparently was a failure and the girl now needs to pay for the services by helping lure other perverts into this scheme. She'll dress half manly while aggressively downing the footlong making eye contact with all who pass by. When cat called, the victim lured to a house blindfolded and you pull the switcheroo and take the photo..blackmail victim for btc payment and repeat

Not only does this blogger allow such madness within the comment section, it is encouraged. If the vote power wasn't such a mess like everything else seen here today, the value of this comment would be more. As for everything else, this blogger is speechless and shall remain that way for quite some time.

Completely understand Hi Jim. You don't have to speak, we get it. It's hard to talk/shit for extended periods of time. You just save your strength, we'll just sit here and watch.

I tried that walk recently in the park, and thought I was being straight up gangsta until three different strangers said to me "The bathrooms are thatta way!" I might be doing it wrong.

Yeah. It's a tough dance to learn. The right hand is more important than most realize. You need to keep the arm straight, with the hand away from the ass. Keep it to the front, and a little off to the side. Press it firmly and hold it there. It doubles as a belt.

I'm pretty sure that hotdog seller's cart isn't up to local health codes. Is that a roach! I can't do it! I don't want to eat 3 hours worth of hotdogs and die of food poisoning! I'll choose whatever fate you have for those who disobey the directions.

Listen. I don't have video games or a television for that matter. All I have is this damn window and if you people don't feel like entertaining me today I'll just be forced to change the damn channel and see what those birds are doing outside the bathroom window! I call it taking-a-shit-o-vision! I'm sick of those birds!

Whoa. Sorry. Work has been a little bit stressful lately. I'll uh... Let's start over.

You could always just run away. This gun isn't actually loaded. It makes too much noise and I'm so sick of the neighbors calling the cops every time I buss off a couple caps for entertainment purposes!

Listen. I wasn't prepared for someone to come along and not do what the note says. This hasn't happened to me before. I'm new. It's my first day, but I start tomorrow. Just cut me some slack here.

Inspired buffoonery, @nonameslefttosue Smiled throughout & (don't ask) this made me laugh outloud: "Stop thinking it makes you look like a teenage girl at a sleepover party. That's the style now, for men, apparently."

Thanks, for the levity, Mr. Humor is a deadly serious business...

Some sort of naive character comedy combined with surreal humor with a few zingers mixed in for good measure. Of course the art took quite a few hours to produce and I think it's funny that I'd spend that much time on something only to basically ruin it's true meaning with a strange story about nothing. In other words... you DAYUM right it's deadly serious business!

Thanks for getting a good laugh out that. That's why it's here!

Everything is there to serve the art... our pratfalls, our asides, our entire lives! That much I understand and appreciate how you can send it off, so light-heartedly. It’s the accomplished jugglers that can afford to clown-around ;)

Seems like sound marketing to me, if I saw someone biting into a footlong saying 'dayum' I...well I might not buy it being that I don't eat meat...but I would definitely tell my friends about it! ;)

As for the rest of the post, I didn't want to snoop so I didn't read it (that's my story and I'm sticking to it)

If I was the target of your post I would be scared to fuck with you.
Very much maphia style -I am from Sicily-
Have a nice day you too

The other day my art and Dali were mentioned in the same comment... today my hitman side job is ranking up there with the mafia. Now, I guess I'll just sit here feeling as much like an overachiever as JFK and call 'er a day!

Bitcoin isn't a great currency for a hitman to use! Its ledger is public! You ought to be using Monero for your dirty deeds...

...done dirt cheap

Oh god, I have to listen to it now.

Love the painting today. I'm always thinking I'm seeing things in your artwork. Today I think I see some birds, or maybe dragons.

I said I'm a hitman, not a smart hitman. I'm pretty sure I made this memo public too. I'm learning as I go here. Self-taught. A few more years of this and I'm sure I won't be leaving such a mess behind(get the hidden joke now?).

The art today is actually just a small piece of something much larger that I've been slowly plugging away at for a very long time. Much like a puzzle, I'm building it piece by piece. If you look hard enough, you'll find a few of the other pieces here and there, but nothing will make sense. And much like everything else, yes, it's riddled with pareidolia.

Perhaps the splatters could be turned into some sort of Modern Art that might look cool. In the meantime just enjoy a vodka it will be better in the morning take a couple of aspirin to prevent The Hangover

That's funny. I thought about using these bloody works as art and posting them up on a blog that pays people in cryptocurrency. Haven't got around to it yet though. Maybe I'll have time this weekend.

I have the vodka in the morning. I find that actually works better. Pass out around 2 pm, wake up with a hang over, eat something, sleep off the hangover at night, wake up ready for vodka again. Everyone else is doing it wrong as far as I'm concerned.

Thank god I was concerned no one wanted to drop that 40lb bag of confetti over Russia. And umm don’t worry about the mess as long as you made it out.

As far as the payment: The hobbit digs at noon. Try and be in the right decade this time for payment. Why do you think I picked it? YouTube and that hotdog vender where was not created yet. Nice try.

Tell the hobbit to have tea. The mermaids are swinging by. Coffee and cigarettes by the water. Norman doesn't shop at Wal-mart. The cartoons are still on though.

I just hope Norman does not cause another international incident. Use a Babel Fish and just nodes no one speaks Gazorpian here.

The tree speaks to the forest. Norman, incidentally, doesn't know how to fish.

Is he at least capable of going down to the root cellar? I have some rare heirloom seeds I been keeping down there for when dinosaurs rule over man.

Long story short Ed who is a great salsa dancer is a horrible DNA sequencer and sliced cat DNA with a frog. Then a dragon named Tony who for whatever reason was not on break farted on the sample.

Anyway once man evolves into fruit bats and flies to Pluto things short themselves out. Just so long as they never ate that Ontario Apple. Oddly enough that was what that hotdog vender was trying sell which is why we could not meet during that partial decade.

Excuse me, talking cat. We seem to be speaking a different language here. I, for the life of me, cannot seem to decipher this code. Are you trying to tell me you'd like a treat? Is the box dirty? Are you bored? Catnip withdrawal symptoms? Is there a dog outside? Are you out of water? Are you hungry? What do you want! One meow for yes... two meows for no.

meow meow meow

Excuse me I might do die from laughter hahahahaha.

Thanks! Best three hours of my life, which is odd, because that was by far the worst footlong I've ever had.

You only bought one? How in the hell did you make one last for three hours! Is that guy not measuring again? If he's handing out meters again... ugh... so f'n fired!

No, it was definitely a foot. I chewed fast but only swallowed every 10 minutes. It took exactly 18 bites and 18 DAYUMs to finish.

I guess it's probably a bad time to tell you this... but

I don't really know that guy. I heard he grinds up bugs and turns them into some kind of "meat" mash and serves that to his patrons. You can keep the clothes though. Some dead guy was just laying around so I helped myself. I didn't really want them. We just try to make things look like robberies to help take the focus away from the spouse. Standard procedure.

Dayum!

Dayum. Is that why I'm projectile vomiting right now?

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