Breaking news !....Crypto traders put in complaint to the UN !

After the recent crptyo market crashes and resulting panic by morons who are leveraged up to the gills , a phenomena never seen before, is emerging.

It seems that 27,000 crpyto traders who've been using using a complex financial algorithm called 'hopium 234.0' to trade with , have come unstuck.

They initially reported their loss to the UN, in the hope they could restore their funds due to the 'it's not fair, we didn't understand economics' clause .
This was the updated version of the hopium algorithm. (the improved version from 'hopium 233', which was mainly used in the tulip mania a couple of centuries ago).

Not only that , but many of the crypto traders encountered another problem _- one never seen before in the history of financial trading _.

A lack of height.

Due to the psychological weakness that many crypto traders have called 'the we're clever syndrome', they decided to 'end it all' in the time tested way of jumping out of their office windows.

And this is where this new phenomena showed itself...

Over the last 233 versions of the hopium algorithm, the traders had traditionally worked in offices that were generally over 3 stories high.
The ensuing mental collapse they endured on market crashes was quickly ended with the sound of a 'splatt' a few seconds later after launching themselves out of their respective windows.....

This time was very different.

94.67 % of the crypto traders live and work in their basements (or their parents basements).

Over 3,250 traders tried to jump out of the window, but instead of hearing the welcoming sounds of 'splatt' - the world had to listen to screams of 'owwwwww' instead.

It's now becoming blatantly clear that jumping out of a window which is less than 2 metres above the ground, is not an efficient way to end it all.
Over 900 admissions in into hospitals within the last 24 hours have been for broken ankles.

*Another 1967 were with broken legs.
It seems that the vast majority of basement dwelling crpyto traders were excessively overweight - to such a degree that the extra poundage that they carried had a magnifying effect upon impact as the hurtled themselves out of their ground floor windows.

As one surgeon told us " The extra weight that some of these traders carried, combined with the laws of physics and acceleration, made it physically impossible for their legs to stay in one piece. "
He added (off the record), "Jesus christ, some of these basement dwellers were so obese, an elephants femur wouldn't have been able to withstand the impact. "

Several crytpo traders have now tweeted from their hospital beds to the UN , asking for an immediate investigation into whether their human rights had been violated.

One trader called Alkalineo who tried (and failed) at 'basement window hari kari', said that he's tweeted the UN in the strongest terms possible, saying that 'this is a blatant Human rights issue'.
" We were never given the privilege of working in offices several floors up, like our predecessors. Hari Kari for them was an easy option . We're clearly being oppressed by the capitalist system, and demand reparations immediately. A free token airdrop will work.. "

A long term friend (and possible lover) came to visit Alkalanio while we were in hospital interviewing him.
He was happy to talk off the record but wished to remain anonymous due to his personal domestic circumstances.

Due to our total lack of respect for all crypto nerds who live in la-la land - we didn't bother to listen to his wishes .

Tryazimite told us, confidentially, that he too had lost a fortune on the latest crypto crash, and was thinking of doing the same thing that his 'friend' had done but, he admitted, 'He just didn't have the balls to go through with it'
" It was a jump too far", He said. "Two meters is a long way for someone like me, and it would require a full risk assessment report before I would commit to doing something like that."

News just in !

The UN has rejected claims for reparations from the 'the basement dwellers who can't walk society', saying that no evidence has emerged that they ever walked any where, anyway - so reparations would not apply in this case.

They added that by being able confine several thousand useful idiots valued influencer's to now sitting solely in front of their computer screens without any fear of them going to the fridge and drinking several gallons of fizzy drinks each day, productivity from them would now increase by 39.99%

'Who knows?," Said one UN insider, "With all these extra man hours of shilling now available to us , we might be able to convince more people than ever before, that hopium 234.0 is a perfectly legitimate way to make money ."

Klaus 'anal' Schwab is reportedly going to visit several basement dweller jumpers over this next few days, to offer them support.

When we interviewed him, He chuckled, "You'll have no ability to walk, and you'll be happy" as he notched up 19 meters on his running machine.

Update:

Tryazimite has since contacted us to say ' I've just discovered that I might have some razor blades running through my veins, along with many others in the crytpo trading community, so we've decided , as a collective, to end it all together at some point in the near future.
We think it sends out a strong message to everyone that we're people of unwavering principal and integrity when it aids a mass suicide virtue signal. ..
Not that we have aids, you understand - No, this is definitely a non gay autoimmune breakdown disease, that has it's origins in a completely different type of prick...
Because I'm not gay, suppressed or otherwise...and neither are the other basement dwellers in our crypto community.... Probably."