You're really funny.

Greetings loyal followers.

My executive assistant Vera, who makes anything she wears look like the crown of a queen, has informed me that your people continue to send transmissions concerning the Empire.

At some point, you should really try sending one that makes you look at least a little bit intelligent. It is getting harder and harder to justify not vaporizing your entire planet.

For now, the best I can say is that the inhabitants of your planet are really funny.

Well this is new. Apparently someone on your planet has figured out how to communicate with me in real time... finally.

What do I mean you are funny?

It’s funny, you know, the … the stories. They're funny. You’re a funny people.

It’s just, y’know, it’s … you’re just funny. It’s … you know, the way you tell stories and everything …

Funny how? What’s funny about it?

Just, you know, your people are funny.

And no you are not a little messed up. Not even maybe.

You're funny how?

I mean you're all funny like a clown. You amuse me.

You make me laugh. You're here to freaking amuse me.

What do I mean “funny”? Funny how? How are you funny?

I don’t know, just … you know, how you tell the stories.

I know you don't know.

How the heck are you funny? What the heck is so funny about you? Tell you? Tell you what’s funny?

Get the heck outta here... you know you're funny. You almost had me.

I don't know what the heck that was all about but some guy (who sounded very short with a bad hairpiece) really seemed confused about why I would think you clowns are funny.

Anyway back to the latest transmission. This one was sent by @steevc. According to him, your people are spending exorbitant amounts of money on the most useless things in the galaxy. You all should be investing in a shield generator but instead people are paying £180,000 (don't ask me what the heck this "£" means) for these...

Why are these such a waste of money?

Have you ever seen a Stormtrooper hit anything he was aiming at?

I don't mean those nameless Rebel scum troopers. I mean anything or anyone important.

No. No you have not. Why?

Well in addition to my idiot boss designing and ordering blasters exclusively for left handed soldiers (who make up a whopping 10% of our forces) he also designed their armor and helmets.

Before I get to the must have item your ignorant species is craving, let me say a word about this "armor" that my doofus boss requires our troopers to wear.

The freaking armor doesn't do squat!

Have you ever seen a Stormtrooper get shot?

Of course you have. They suck. They get shot all the freaking time. I mean all the time.

Did you notice that the blaster bolt hit their armor?

Of course you did. The armor is bright white and most of the environments in which they fight are dark.

Did you ever see a Stormtrooper get up after being hit in the armor?

Of course not because...

The freaking armor doesn't do squat!

Do you know what hit these guys? A stiff breeze.

My idiotic boss has them wear it because he got a "good deal" from a plasteel salesman and he is too much of a jackass to admit that he was ripped off. So now all of our soldiers walk around in useless white blaster bolt magnets. I'm surprised that shriveled, old jerkstore didn't just paint bullseyes on them and claim they were optical illusions intended to hypnotize the enemy.

Now on to the items in question. The helmets.

Ok. The blasters are all left handed. Fine. The bantha is already out of the barn on that one. They will just need to adapt.

If that were the only problem, then at least 10% of our troopers would be able to hit something... but they can't. You would also think a few would actually adapt to the left handed blasters. Therefore, these special troopers would also be able to hit something... but they can't either.

Why?

The mother loving helmets!

Would you like to see the view from inside one of these helmets?

Here you go...

Why did my boss design and order these?

Why does my boss do anything he does?

Because he's a freaking imbecile!

I hate him so much. He thinks he is so smart. But all he does is ruin everything. Seriously everything.

You should have seen what I was able to do to myself with the Force before that jackass came along and forbade it.

But back to the topic at hand.

Look I can't stand that whiny little farm boy, but even he knows these helmets are utterly useless (just like my boss).

Here is some evidence from the first documentary about the Empire's inevitable destruction of the rebel scum.

Those two knobs can't see so they need that walking carpet to signal which way to go via his phlegm filled growls. One of them actually has to hold onto the big fuzzball in order to avoid colliding with anything. Then when they are waiting for the lift, one of them is bobbing his head around looking for people. But there are people walking by him non-stop! He can't see any of them. If this doesn't convince you, the farm boy whines about it at 50 second mark.

If you need more evidence, here is a transmission of some fat old rebel scum and a guy who sounds a lot like one of your greatest detectives. I believe his name is Fred and he enlists the aid of a canine named Scooby Doo in solving mysteries.

At this point, I have to once again point out what morons you people are. Your "greatest detectives" spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to solve mysteries and it is always the evil land developer. Always.

Back to the evidence.

Even the fat old hasbeen knows the armor is useless. Why don't your people?

The helmets are so horrible that troopers are unable to avoid running into doorways.

... and yet your people are purchasing them for an amount of money that could be used to buy an entire dwelling.

You people are clowns. You amuse me.

You clowns amuse me
Ridiculously expensive paperweight
We miss you... and everything else.
Armor?
Image credit for a black rectangle