One of Your Inhabitants Has Advised Me To Carry A Towel

Greetings loyal followers.

My executive assistant Vera, who could make anyone's heart skip a beat, has informed me that one of your planet's inhabitants has sent me a message. Two days ago, @inphiknit sent this transmission. Although we only received part of the transmission (because your Earth's technology sucks) I was able to understand the majority of it. Despite the fact that @inphiknit seems to be confused on some issues, I sense he is trying to pledge his loyalty to me so I will bless him with a response.

First of all, thank you for the offering of that delicious Ewok. For others who are attempting to contact me, it is always wise to start out with a gift. If you are wondering how I like my Ewok prepared, I prefer them roasted over an open flame. If you happen to be a talented chef, I am willing to try other methods. It is nearly impossible to screw up the scrumptious flavor of Ewok (although if anyone could foul it up it would be your planet's morons).

Now on to the question of my odor. First of all, you are absolutely correct. Although it is temperature controlled, I do sweat quite a bit in this armor. But that is on purpose. Perhaps you do not know this because you don't have eyes or a nose but ... MY BOSS IS THE MOST PUTRID SMELLING THING IN EXISTENCE! I mean can't you just tell by looking at him? Do you know how to clean between all of those wrinkles? Well neither does he! I am seriously surprised you can't smell him from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. If there is one thing that is strong enough to possibly travel through both time and space, it is The Emperor's Odor (oh and that "O" is capitalized on purpose. It is its own entity). I purposely sweat that much in order to cover up his scent. If I didn't, I would be vomiting constantly. Do you want to clean the vomit out of my helmet?

Even this image smells. Go ahead. Take a whiff of your screen.

But there is one more thing. You know who I am right? I am the most awesome being who has ever existed. Do you know what the sweat from a perfect being with 27,000 midichlorians smells like? No. You don't. So let me explain. Imagine the most wonderful scent you have ever smelled. Now multiply that by like 1 billion and that is how good it smells. If I wanted to, I could afford to build about 50 new Death Stars based on the profit from bottling my sweat as cologne. But I don't want anyone else to have the pleasure of smelling as good as I do.

I don't know what to make of the middle of your transmission because there was clearly something wrong with the transmission (on your end of course).

I am assuming you included this to show that you treat my transmissions like the sacred texts they are. You are welcome.

As far as these towels go...

You are incredibly lucky that you have two. I assure you that every time you attempt to wipe yourself with the white one, you will miss. And I mean miss badly. When in doubt always use anything that has any connection to me. Things bearing my likeness will automatically be better than anything else ever in the history of time.

Finally this "TED Talk".

First of all, of course the Empire does not care about health and safety regulations. We don't care what happens to regular peons. Regular people don't deserve to enter into an arrangement by which a company or government agency provides a guarantee of compensation for specified loss, damage, illness, or death in return for payment of a premium. That is just flat out stupid. The next thing you'll say is that if they are allowed to enter into such an agreement that it should be affordable and cover antecedent ailments. What utter nonsense!

Second, about the Stormtrooper's armor. Of course it would get in the way of saving them after they have fallen in battle. What do you think its purpose is? Have you ever seen the armor provide any protection whatsoever? No! Of course not! It is designed to punish those dimwit bucket heads who are actually incompetent enough to get hit. Its simple. If you get hit, it means you suck at your job. If you suck at your job, you die. Simple.

I did enjoy his satirical drawing of a Jedi. Have you ever seen a Jedi with ripped abs like that? Of course not! They are wimps! Unlike me...

And about the idea of removing Stormtrooper armor to reveal a Wookie or two Ewoks. That is preposterous! One of the first things I did when I took over the Empire's military was to purge it of every alien species. You just can't trust those aliens. In fact, I instituted an embargo on any aliens attempting to enter Imperial systems. So no. There is no way that you would find those disgusting (yet delicious) hairy things under Stormtrooper armor. If you did find one, you are more than welcome to try and shave a Wookie. Good luck with that.

I must admit I grew bored and fast forwarded through the middle of that transmission. Then I saw that vile, revolting, conniving little frog. It started out fine. Treat that little goblin like a baby. Fair enough. Baby's are weak. They cry. They talk like... well babies. They are powerless to stand up to the ultimate Sith Lord. That sounds about right.

The little creep even gets carried around in a baby bjorn.

The only problem is that this goof is talking about performing a procedure to save that little urchin's life. WHY?!!!!!!!!

He sucks! He broke up our band! He's also just plain creepy.

Now you've gone and got me all worked up. I need to go scrounge up some credits for the kill jar so I can Force choke dip wads until I feel better. Hmmmm... maybe I will sell just enough of my sweat in order to afford several good old fashioned killing sprees.

Shower
Ewoks roasting over an open fire
One useful towel
Abs
"Armor"
Baby bjorn
Smell like you are wearing 100 pounds of armor