HOW TO RUiN AN EMPIRE EPISODE XVI: A WORKING VACATION

in funny •  last year

Greetings loyal followers.

My executive assistant Vera, whose presence makes every day feel like a vacation, has informed me that you people have been incessantly inquiring about my whereabouts.



The views at The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club are so breathtaking (get it) that they remind me of how fantastic I am.

First of all, that is none of your freaking business. I'm Lord Vader. Whatever! I do what I want!

But as a favor to Vera, in order to get these morons to stop bothering her, I will let you know what I have been doing.

At this point in the non-linear timeline, I finally convinced my idiotic, putrid smelling, hideous boss to seal off the thermal exhaust port. I got sick of him telling me that the scumbag rebels were going to pay for this defensive structure so I finally raised the credits on my own. Seriously, what a freaking moron. Why would those dangerous rebel instigators pay for a structure that was going to keep them out? That makes absolutely no sense at all. But anyway, the Death Star was going to be under construction to install one of these...



With the planned construction project scheduled to start, I decided to have the Empire send me on a working vacation to

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club.



If you have never been there, let me tell you, it is simply terrific. It is amazing. You should all come and pay to visit it if you get a chance. You will have a tremendous time. I'm telling you, it is amazing.

Some of the Imperial Officers asked if they could take a vacation too. Ummmm no. They have really important jobs to do. What do they think? Do they think they can just take a vacation every weekend on the Empire's credits? That's preposterous. Next thing you know, they will want to take "vacations" to their own dwellings and charge the Empire rent. What tools! I needed a vacation just to prevent myself from Force choking every one of those losers.

But more about me.

Although I was clearly working on important Imperial issues nearly every second of every day, I did manage to work in a little bit of golf.



By "a bit" I mean that I shot 180 holes of golf every day.

Guess what my score was every day.

180

I was only golfing 16 hours a day. You would think these dipwads could wait to bother me. But noooooo! At least every other day, one of my disloyal underlings would bother me with some "really important crisis".

I mean I was already planning on having several meetings and engaging in many Empire related transmissions. What more did they want?

This was in addition to my daily intelligence briefings. Actually, this was probably my favorite part of each day. One of my underlings would approach me and say, "Would you like your intelligence briefing now?"

I would say, "Yes".

Then he would say, "You are still tremendously intelligent."

Just like that. Out of the blue. Someone would tell me, without any coaching at all, that I was super intelligent. I mean I am really smart. I mean my smartness is absolutely terrific. But for a paid underling to just come up and say that out of nowhere every day was really amazing.

When I wasn't golfing, I played a little tennis at the

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club.



Of course I am absolutely amazing at tennis. I mean I serve the ball with fire, fury, and, frankly, power the likes of which this galaxy has never seen before. When my opponents face me, they better get their act together or they are going to be in trouble like few tennis opponents have ever been in trouble.

There were a few days when it rained at

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club.


But rest assured, we have the finest in-room entertainment at

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club.


One day I decided to kick back and enjoy a few entertaining transmissions. To be honest, I was hoping to find something like this...


Screen Shot 2017-09-05 at 10.26.10 PM.png
This is the only part of Life Day that I like.

But they kept on breaking into the show with "news" stories. It was some of the worst and most dishonest fake news broadcasts I have ever seen. There was not one mention of how much better the galaxy was under my leadership. There was nothing about how amazing our new indestructible battle station is. They did not even mention how much safer the Empire had become and that there was zero chance rebels could possibly exploit a weakness and hurt the Empire in any way. I bet if the battle station happened to be blown up by one small fighter, they would report on that!

It's disgusting. Those dishonest reporters are very bad people. Some of the absolute worst.

Instead of moping around about it, or incessantly sending short transmissions complaining and attacking those horrible reporters, I decided to go and make the day of some of the guests at

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club.


It turns out that many people came to get married at the

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club


during the two and one half weeks I was there. It was almost as if someone had told couples that if they paid to get married there, I might show up and take a picture with them. It was amazing!

People love me. I mean they really love me. They show up in huge crowds and are constantly saying, "Lord Vader, we love you." It happens everywhere I go. People can't help it. So I decided I would make their lives 1 million times better by inserting myself into the happiest day of their lives. What could make the best day of your life even better?

Me!

Here are some of the happy couples whose day I made even better.



Some people said it might be in bad taste for me to go first and to upstage the bride and groom. But those people are weak and stupid so I killed them.



I liked this bride a lot. I could tell she really wanted me more than her groom (all women do... they can't help themselves) so I stepped in for him. Not sure what happened to him. But if you think you see something hanging from that tree back there, you don't. You see nothing. This is not the groom you are looking for.



I'm not sure why this guy wanted to marry a Wookie, but that is not my call. As long as their offspring doesn't think it can be a citizen of the Empire, I'm totally fine with it. Actually, I don't think the Wookie should be a citizen either. But it's fine. And what is wrong with that guy? He's trying to marry a Wookie? He shouldn't be a citizen either. But I'm fine with it. I made their day better. Then I kicked them out of the club (after getting their credits).



This couple was clearly delirious. They said a picture with the most evil being in the galaxy would ruin their special day. Morons.

Although I truly enjoyed my stay at

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club


and I got a tremendous amount of work done while I was at

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club


(far more work than any other Sith Lord has ever completed on any vacation ever in the history of time)

I am looking forward to returning to The Death Star so I can continue to make the Empire great again.

But because

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club


is so fantastic and amazing, I can hardly wait until I return in five long days.

If you would like to stay at

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club


please contact Vera. But don't expect the Empire to pick up the tab. They only do that for me.

Images
What a fantastic view... of me.
Cover me!
Address the ball
40-Love
It's none of your business where my left hand is.
Here comes the bride... who cares? It's Lord Vader!
Everybody wants me
Give me your credits. Now get out.
No?

Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
If you enjoyed what you read here, create your account today and start earning FREE STEEM!
Sort Order:  

@lordvader, I would like to call your attention to this diligent artist, toiling in obscurity, to recreate your likeness in leftover parts from the Death Star garbage chute:

https://steemit.com/art/@alain-bellino/darth-vader-from-the-baroque-side-bronze-sculpture

Nice post. @lordvader An important information: Darth Vader bathed , i was here just after your photo :-)

For more see this post:https://steemit.com/art/@alain-bellino/darth-vader-from-the-baroque-side-bronze-sculpture

·

hahaha ,lord vader nude swiming.all fish get the darkside...

·
·

The wet side of the force...

great post for us star wars fans

Being a star wars fan, I'm really glad I found this channel. Love your creativity because it made the whole post an amusing read and really humanized Darth Vader xD

Who would've known that Darth Vader likes to blog in his free time when he's not busy taking over the world xD

·

hello steemiens i am new on steemit plzz follow me at @aabisteemvoter and upvote my posts plzz

·
·

Please avoid spamming this. It will only get you blacklisted :/

·
·
·

This post received a 1.5% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @arthestically! For more information, click here!

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

·

This post received a 1% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @arthestically! For more information, click here!

Are you being paid to mention

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club

?

Good luck getting the rebel scum to pay for anything. They can't even dress well. Scruffy nerf herders.

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

·
·

thanks for all you do, Vera! the empire thanks you!

·
·

Pleased to meet you Vera. You are very lucky to have such an amazing boss

·
·

I'm happy that Lord Vader has a dedicated assistant.

·

Are you suggesting that I would make money off of my position in the Empire? That is ridiculous. What kind of tool would do that?

·
·

How long a list do you want?

·

Steevc

Hmmmmm you really have a point there @steevc

Steve1122

Suddenly I'm now more terrified of Vader.

GOLF. Guys only, Ladies Forbidden? LOL Very good post my lord!

Classic Luke im your father
@rogerblu

oh I didnt know this was like a role playing vader page! nice! I cant wait to make some accounts like this but for other characters! so many possibilities!

Do you use the force when golfing ?

Next I need the story behind why Jabba has a memorial statue of Han Solo.

I'm speechless. I cannot begin to imagine vermin like us mortals would be allowed to take a vacation at the The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club. Sure, I would sell my kids into slavery just to be able to afford a stay in that wonderful place, but it would be wrong. I'm not worthy, we're not worthy to stay there: breathe the same air and contaminate it, tread on the grass with our filthy shoes to ruin your golf sessions...
No, I think we should only limit ourselves to just send our voluntary contributions to the Club, so they can do whatever it is they need to do in order to make your stay perfect...of course, your stay is perfect wherever you are, because you are perfect, but, still, it is our duty to sacrifice whatever we can for you...
Going on Craigslist to put the useless kids up for sale!

·

I like you. You seem to understand my greatness better than most. I may allow you to pay me money in order to use the club. I will meditate on it.

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

·

hello steemiens i am new on steemit plzz follow me at @aabisteemvoter and upvote my posts plzz

awesome

Nice to read that the security issue on death star is solved, My Lord !!! Enjoy your Golf, after this important security fix, you deserve it.

·

You are correct. I do deserve it. Although, since I didn't personally install the cover, I'm sure my boss found some way to screw it up.

·
·

oh shit ! hope that your boss is not so dumb...... :D :D :D

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

·

hello steemiens i am new on steemit plzz follow me at @aabisteemvoter and upvote my posts plzz

·
·

If you want to be kicked out of steem asap, continue in this way...... This is not the right behaviour to act here.

😂😂😂🤔 brilliant

·
·
·

I want you in my next birthday 🎉 🍻

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

lool thank's for share it with us it's really great , I ve followed you !

You are hilarious! So glad you had fun on your vacation at the golf club!

·

Don't forget it was a working vacation. I woke more on my vacation than any leader ever.

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

The real Vader plays football, everyone knows that, not golf! :P

·

I also play football. I am amazing at everything.

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

We should have a Vader vs Jedi Bad Dad Jokes challenge. Everytime Vader force chokes, he gets a penalty point. For every point is one hour playing in the sand at the beach.

·
·
·

That will scare him.

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

·
·

Why no problem sir.

But if u play golf Lord vader wont your evil cloak get in the way...that way the force may not be with you in finding the hole in one. Maybe u can try sun tanning by the beach...oops sorry sensitive skin. My bad.

·

Very little gets in y way of perfection. Actually only one thing... my stupid boss.

·
·

Maybe the boss oughta be given a little lesson to mess with the most powerful jedi ever lived. Show him who is the boss...

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

·
·

The empire wishes to do any recruitment drive? I can be a good storm trooper.

Your AWESOME @lordvader

I had a good laugh at this, Good work on this post and may you take care of the rebel scum.

·

I am working on it. But my boss is the worst and keeps ruining my perfect plans.

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

Oh, be still my heart!

Such wonderful wedding photos! She will surely treasure them her whole life.

I'm not into golf or tennis much myself but The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club looks like it has so much to offer! Is there a swimming pool? That's my style!

Must look into a working vacation there myself!

·

The swimming pool is huge! It is fantastic. You will love it. Everyone loves it!

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

·
·

Thanks Vera. How's the clean up going?.

wooow great idea sorry i mean dark idea :)

Come back Anakin the playtime is over!!! :P

Hey I really like your content and all, and I want to make it as you did in popularity but Im struggling to get any attention even tho i put effort in some of mine posts, can you check it out and decide if you like it or not

Haha love this. I actually did a short spoof article like this a couple days ago you can let me know what you think if you like it not looking for votes just if it's amusing. Rock on lord Vader! https://steemit.com/humor/@corpsvalues/star-wars-ep-ix-trump-phones-home

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

Long time no see @lordvader. I missed you! In reality: (ffs why did you have to return I thought we were safe and that you were going to stop belittling our earth) haha

I like the idea of the The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club but I think we may need to rename it a little if you mainly use it to play tennis and it is used for the grounds for people to get married.

Do we have free entry to

The Vader Intergalactic Golf Club


or will it cost us in one way shape or form? haha

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

·
·

Hi Vera.

I went directly to our lord Vader, but now I see I have overstepped my bounds. Perhaps you would be so kind as to ask him not to death choke me, it would be greatly appreciated.

I was hoping I might ask a favor of LordVader. I am starting a comedy competition and would appreciate if he could resteem the opening post. Having his backing would be a great boost for us little guys.

Also if you could be so kind as to think about convincing him to put in an entry yourself (maybe a kareoke with Vader) I would be greatly appreciative. Given his busy schedule I understand if he is not able to enter this week's contest, but maybe next week's contest if he has the time?

Regards,

idi.

Nice....

Where can I book my tickets? Should I just ask Vera? I also need a break :/

·

I will make all of the arrangements. But I should tell you that it costs 1138000 Steem. Double if you'd like Lord Vader to "accidentally" bump into you at an event.

·
·

Unfortunately, I am not that rich. Can I pay in Higgs bosons? :D

very nice article

Great 😂 post 😂

Intresting posting. Great photos :)

This post received a 2% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @corpsvalues! For more information, click here!

Wonder of ninja....

So funy

This is amazing!

This post recieved an upvote from minnowpond. If you would like to recieve upvotes from minnowpond on all your posts, simply FOLLOW @azziz

hahaha! Stay on target. Stay on target.

Hey @lordvader I heard on the eve of an intergalactic superstorm that threatened the empire you were able to pass a measure keeping even Rebel babies from ever joining The Empire and becoming storm troopers. Way to go! Everyone knows Rebels are all rapists and murderers anyways.

PS
The picture killing the wedding couple is really well done.

·

Indeed. I also took some time to ensure one of our more "interesting" commanders would not be punished for his heroic acts in the name of The Empire.

Where there is love there is life.

- Mahatma Gandhi

I would have recommended making the thermal exhaust port millenium falcon sized personally. And fire that engineer!

I think you could make a huge amount of credits if you were to install a casino somewhere, that is one business no one can go broke in, just imagine how well you would do.

Nice one sir...i m following u. U can follow me...

Thanks n regards

ROFLOL!!! You definitely deserve to get a good "daily intelligence report". What would you do if you ever received a bad report?

@lordvader thank you for keeping us updated on your daily activities. Can't wait to see more of your posts.

·

This is Vera, in addition to being the bee's knees, I am Lord Vader's assistant. His funds are currently tied up trying to clean up the mistakes of his boss. On behalf of the Empire, thank you for your comment.

My Lord Vader. LOL... hahha

stopover also in my account @daiiat, many poems that I was post that you might like.

wow nice post I like it this post so cool,I will support you,upvoted

Nice

Ha, ha, ha, you are awesome and very intelligent....The Vader intergalactic golf course looks like the place to be.Good call on that exhaust port shield. That will keep thous petulant rebels out.One question though @lordvader. I have heard if I go to the dark side of the force they have cookies .Is this true because I really love cookies and plus all that force choking and lightning mojo looks like amazing.Cheers to the Empire!

OMFG This is hands down the funniest sh*t I've seen on Steemit all day XD

Talk about Club promotion :P

Also, it appears Lord Vader has a hard on for Daenerys Targaryen, in another galaxy, a long time from now.

What would Padme think if she were here tho...

Good luck to you

Nice post.. Upvoted. And hello steemiens i am new on steemit plzz follow me and upvote my posts plzz

That seems like so funny character,hahaha

thanks for the information. what your news is useful for us all ..

Awesome read

This is pretty cool huh?! Your boss sucks by the way. I must follow you so I don't miss out on what your scum boss does next. He seems entertaining.

Congratulations @lordvader!
Your post was mentioned in the hit parade in the following category:

  • Pending payout - Ranked 7 with $ 305,28

don't know why photos are not loading

All too relaxing for the dark side :-/

Nice lordvader
upvoted and followed you, please do the same

Are Wookies even legal? Should they be sent home?

·

There are a few young ones throughout the Empire who have worked hard and made valuable contributions to the Empire. I am focusing my efforts on removing those first. I don't want our citizens to get the wrong idea and think that these filthy aliens provide any real value.

Hahhahaha... I can't wait to follow you. So funny.

I am a star wars fan and I enjoyed this post. I just wan to say "everybody deserves a break". Thanks for your post, I made my day.

Great fun and isn't it better to have a golf course rather than destroying the world (or whatever you do in your spare time) now wait a minute - if you're destroying the world how come you still have a gold course?
OK I get it, it's because you're Darth Vader. You should be on the stage!

I don't know what to say... I honestly don't... Vader lives a full life apparently. There seems to be a lot they leave out of the documentaries Lucas put together.

Hello,
This is an Earth citizen with a short message
"please don't invade earth"

Darth Vader not that long ago in a galaxy not so far away. If Disney ever makes this into a Star Wars tv show, I'd watch the crap out of it

Nice post

·

Don't you mean evil post?

I am @captianobviou3 and I approved this message...

I recently saw this weird vid during my travels on Coruscant called Earth Wars. Apparently in a galaxy far far away, there's this guy on this planet called Earth who is the supposed leader of the free world. He also golfs a lot. Whoever made the vid obviously took inspiration from you oh great Lord Vader!

I've seen it all now...

LOL...send me the membership brochure.

Oh my God! Lord! And you do not need a second assistant?)))

Educative article..
I must say you have stir up my spirit for greatness.
Thank you

Wow, super geil:-)

great post sir nice work done!!!followed you,if you are interested in health tips,please follow me at https://steemit.com/@billi007 (,please follow me @lordvader