in funny •  last year

Greetings loyal followers.

My executive assistant Vera, who is the cat's pajamas, just informed me that my jackass boss, The Emperor, has scheduled me to speak in front of a room full of those dipwad, idiotic, legally blind stooges we call Stormtroopers.

These idiots are staring at a blank screen and don't even know it.

He knows how much I hate those tools. I really just want to walk in there, give my lightsaber a nice toss and then laugh while the maintenance droids clean up all of the headless corpses. But alas, I promised Vera I would try to be encouraging. I still don't know why.

My speech is supposed to be about the proper use of force when dealing with civilians. No not "The Force". These dimwits can't even handle something as clumsy and random as a blaster. They would have no chance with something that actually takes talent or skill.

Before the speech, Vera suggested I watch the following transmission of Stormtroopers in action on their beat.

Oh my Maker! No wonder they can't catch a scruffy looking nerf herder, a pretty pretty Princess, a whiny farm boy and a walking carpet. These guys are bigger idiots than I thought.

The transmission started off rather promising. I was worried our troopers were going to be too nice. But the way they chased down that Jawa , who had not been charged with a crime, and then threw him down to the ground was a nice rough start. When I saw that I thought, "I love our troopers. I love our Biker Scouts. I love our Imperial Officers." But then, like the idiots they are, the troopers tried to kick the filthy Jawa.

The attempts to kick the Jawa weren't the problem. In fact, I was thrilled to see that. We need rough guys to throw suspects around a little. So kicking those disgusting Jawas would have been fantastic... but the stupid bucket heads missed. They freaking missed when they were trying to kick a tiny creature that was laying helplessly on the ground two feet away from them! How hard is it to kick a defenseless citizen? I mean, just do it. Its not like it was during the Old Republic. They won't "get in trouble" for it. The Empire 100% has their back.

How did they miss? They literally practice kicking like every damn day.

There is no way we are going to stop that vile and violent group of Rebels if our troopers don't know how to rough up the suspects they capture.

I was impressed by the training officer who explained that all suspects are guilty. Of course they are. If I say they are guilty, then they are guilty.

I do wonder why the Troopers were just allowing that independent contractor, Boba Fett, to just hang out. He wasn't authorized to be there. They should have thrown him in the back of a transport as hard as they could. If he got hurt, so what? He's an independent contractor. The Empire wouldn't have to pay for those medical bills.

I seriously can't believe these morons showed me this transmission. If this is them at their best, I'd hate to see them at their worst. Oh wait. I already have it looks a little like this...

A typical Saturday at the shooting range. They didn't hit a single target.

Their "interrogation techniques" were laughable. They spent approximately 60 seconds talking to a disgusting non-basic speaking Jawa about his cousin about some droid. Just bust that little creep in the mouth and tell him you'll keep doing it until he tells you what you want to hear. It's simple. Then tell him to learn basic or leave the Empire. Don't talk to him about nonsense like a bill of sale. Simply punch him in his gross little face. You can't possibly miss. His eyes are freaking glowing. Its like a big flashing target. Less talking. More punching!

At least when the little weasels ran away, that first trooper bravely shot him square in the back. But the second one... that blind bucket head actually missed with the first shot. That thing was 20 feet away, and he shot the ground! At least he did hit with the second shot. It's a miracle! To be honest a 50% success rate is about as good as I have ever seen out of those morons.

Did you notice anything about those troopers who actually hit their target? They both fired with their right hand. Finally someone figured it out!

None of these morons are actually left handed.

In the end, I would give those Troopers a C+ for the handling of those filthy Jawas. They would have had an F but by shooting them in cold blood, they saved us the expense of a trial.

Then there was the incident with those two hicks. One of them looked really familiar. I wonder if my step brother Owen would recognize him?

Anyway, this is a prime example of why I keep preaching that Stormtroopers must shoot first and ask questions later. I counted five times when those troopers should have just shot that woman in the face. One of the troopers even said that he wanted to shoot them both. Good. Trust your feelings. If you don't start shooting more of these cretins, filthy aliens will continue to pour into the Empire. We have to nip this in the bud. If those Troopers would have shot those people as soon as they arrived, there never would have been an explosion.

After watching this video, I don't know how I can possibly be encouraging. I think I better keep it simple for these dimwits. I know! I'll use an acronym...

Screen Shot 2017-07-31 at 12.23.56 AM.png

Even these idiots should be able to remember that. Unfortunately, they still won't hit anything.

You're facing the wrong way.
Kick it!
Shooting range
Today we will learn the difference between left and right.
Abs of steel

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Really really a bad situation, My Lord, i can't believe there is a squadron so dummy, as my old boss, one time, told me.... "If they are not good enough, fire them !" So i think that you know what to do......


Yes. I will Force choke them all.

This will continue to be a problem as long as the Empire is spending all of it's money on porkbelly projects like the Deathstar. If they paid stormtroopers a living wage they might actually get some good recruits.


Tell that to my boss. He is the stupidest person I have ever met.

Policy should be "shoot first, then get shot because you missed".


Clearly they already think it is.

Well good luck with talk @lordvader
This is a superb acronym you thought of Lord.
Now I know how to get ABS if I'm a stormtrooper


Of course it is. I created it.

I am Groot! :D


You are right. I Am the most amazing being that has ever or will ever live.


I am Groot! :D its nice article...waiting next story...

Remember the good times @lordvader

This post has received a 11.92 % upvote from @booster thanks to: @theregularguy.

Haha, this was great! The "Bad Boy" music in the video was awesome. It had me smiling the whole time. Thank you for making my day a little brighter. Of course I followed, upvoted and resteemed.


You are very wise to follow me.

thanks for making us know

Hi friend, very good !!!!!
You would help me with a vote in my Blog., Thanks !!! ;)

Seriously awesome stuff you've posted.. Keep it up.. Followed.

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Lord Vader, I have heard rumors that you will be attending a nearby regional celebration known as the "North Idaho State Fair" according to an announcement on our primitive communication system known as "radio." Can you confirm this, and if so, can I buy you an Ewok Steak if there is a vendor there?

I know a lot of people will be outraged, but I have never watched a Starwars movie ...I know I know . But I really enjoyed this post and I love the description under your name - two thing in life that I love about people - they can capture my imagination, hold my brain captive and make me laugh - you do both. I am a new follower from now on

don't leave us hangin' too long vader potater! peace (or not)

My Lord, I feel sorry that you had to perform this public speech. You don't have t spread your wisdom among these who can't value it:)

A dancing vader is a good vader

Thanks for Share!