HOW TO RUiN AN EMPIRE EPISODE XIII: HUMAN RESOURCES

Greetings. I must admit that over the past couple of days I have been very distracted from doing my real job. My search for the annoying little toad has been fruitless up until this point. If I could simply get some uninterrupted time to search, I'm sure I'd find him instantly... but alas, I have an Empire to run (while my shriveled up boss gets all the credit).

Corner office... in a round building. That's tough to do.

Not everyone realizes this, but in addition to being a Sith Lord, I am also the Director of Human Resources for the Empire. Due to my propensity to force choke the crap out of my idiot subordinates, I was constantly finding myself in meeting after meeting with Steve the H.R. guy. Finally one day, I figured it out. I force choked his scrawny little neck and appointed myself the H.R. director. That way, when my choking leads to a meeting, I can have that meeting with my favorite person in the world... me (alright second favorite).

Although it has allowed me to force choke as many dimwits as I want without the annoyance of a meeting, there is a huge downside. Now I have to deal with all of the inane problems of my underlings.

"This armor does nothing."

"I'm not left handed."

"My children don't have medical insurance."

"You don't even know my name."

"He took my juice box and it was clearly marked 'Dave' "

Who the hell is Dave?!

Today I had a meeting with two of the dimmest dimwits of the bunch. I'll just refer to them as "Lefty" and "Righty"... because there is no way I'm learning those blaster magnets' names.

Yep that's the pretty pretty Princess that they are "guarding".
They are still both on probation over that fiasco.

By the way, I have already spoken to "Righty" several times about stuffing his cod piece with a sock. This is his place of business not a singles bar. Come on!

This time, the two were involved in a never ending argument. It was annoying everyone in their unit... so of course they came crying to me. It seems that on their last mission, one of the two dingbats actually shot an enemy. Instead of celebrating and thanking The Maker, they each tried to take credit for the first hit either had ever seen.

This is already the stupidest argument ever. Whoever it was, it was pure luck. So who cares?

But to make matters worse, here is what they were bragging about.

This was their target...

Oh no! Someone finished a crossword puzzle that included the word "bang". Now I'm dead.

You know what else can kill those idiots? A strong wind. A mosquito bite. A sharp ice cube. The Consumption. A round ice cube. Two squirrels with an ice cream cone. Dandelions. A puppy's dream. A birthday wish gone wrong. Bubble wrap. A picture of a piece of gum.

You get the point.

There was absolutely nothing to brag about. But these knuckleheads still wouldn't stop.

I asked each of them for their side of the story... then I began to mediate. There was no way in hell I was going to listen to either of these tools. I made sure to nod every so often just to give the impression that I was listening. I wasn't.

When each had finished, I gave them a speech on teamwork. It didn't really matter who actually shot the dumb slug. All that matters is that for once, in their entire otherwise pathetic careers, they actually succeeded. They should focus on that instead of bickering like disgusting Ugnaughts.

Then I made them hug... because I can.

There's no "I" in team. Wait are you making fun of me because I can't see straight?

On the way out of my office, I approached them and gently placed my hand on each their shoulders. I slowly walked them to my door. As they were just about to leave, they turned to me and said, "Thanks Lord Vader. You're the best. You saved our friendship."

I smashed their heads together like two wk'ou melons. Their lifeless bodies crumpled to the floor. Let's see if anyone else comes crying to me about any petty arguments.

I will have to put some credits in the "Kill Jar" that Vera (who is sweeter than two wk'ou melons) instituted to try and get me to ease up on all of the killing. At least I didn't let them die mad at each other.

I did that for Vera.

Oh if you were wondering which one actually successfully hit the target, it was clearly Righty. I told you that none of these morons are left handed.

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