36 Hilarious Puns to Brighten Your Day

Hey, guys. I know I hadn't posted in a while, but I was and still am going through a rough patch. Figured I would share a little bit of humor that helps me when I'm down. I also thought that this would help others in some interesting situations as well. Here are 36 puns that crack me up and make my day as well as hopefully yours just a little bit brighter!

1. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
2. To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet…. you can hide, but you can’t run!
3. I wrote a book about poltergeists; it’s flying off the shelves!
4. I wrote a book about antigravity and superglue; it’s hard to put down.
5. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
6. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
7. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks!
8. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
9. Change is inevitable…except from a vending machine.
10. Shins and pinkie toes…two devices for finding furniture in the dark!
11. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt, a flat tire, and no AAA.
12. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
13. What’s the speed of dark?
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you in the court of public opinion.
15. Who stopped payment on your reality check?
16. I can handle pain until it hurts.
17. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department highly recommends and uses water.
18. I let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
19. Why is it whenever I find the key to success, somebody has to go and change the lock?
20. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!
21. Women usually claim childbirth to be the most painful experience of their lives. That is, until they start stepping barefoot on Legos approximately three years later.
22. What is pointless? Telling a bald guy a hair-raising story.
23. Just burned 2,000 calories. That is the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap!
24. Nurse: Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible? Doctor: Well, tell him I can’t see him right now!
25. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
26. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
27. I tried dating a philosophy professor, but he didn’t know if I existed or not.
28. Me: Your finest Scotch, please. Staples Guy: Yes, ma’am. He hands me a 12-year-old roll of tape.
29. More people are choosing cremation over proper burial. It shows they are thinking outside the box.
30. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
31. What’s a thesaurus’ favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
32. I once heard a terrifying tale about a haunted refrigerator. It was chilling.
33. If towels could tell jokes, they’d probably have a dry sense of humor.
34. I once heard about a guy who tried eating a clock, but he couldn’t finish it. It was too time-consuming.
35. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
36. I was going to buy a book on phobias, but was afraid it wouldn’t help me.

Internet Sources:
• http://laffgaff.com/funny-one-liners/
• http://www.collegehumor.com/post/7040629/17-redditors-share-their-funniest-one-liners
• http://www.tetraplegicliving.com/funny-one-liners-have-a-chuckle-77
• https://academictips.org/funny-jokes/42-funny-one-liners/
• https://onelinefun.com/puns/34/
• http://www.punoftheday.com/cgi-bin/disppuns.pl?ord=F&cat=0&sub=0&page=7