Top 5 Reasons RanchoRelaxo Should Hop in My Steem Engine and Fill My Boiler With His Coal

1. I overuse cliched mixed metaphors (Do I have an engine? Am I the engine? Is the blog my engine? And if so, then what’s the boiler? Each post? My wallet? Did someone slip something into my drink?)

2. My post titles are specifically written to appeal to the “people who have sleep apnea and also gigantic heads” demographic. These people click-through to my posts which are made so long-winded and full of extra words from thesaurus.com which add nothing but length to the posts, that the sleep-deprived melon-skulls nod off about a thousand words in. Once they pass out and fall forward, the utter hugeness of their hard-cased brain-sacks guarantees that some part of their face smashes down onto the up-vote button. MASSIVE HEADS = MASSIVE PROFITS.

3. I am a close personal friend of international wrestling superstar Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake and he is going to continue to wallop me over the head with a steel chair until you either give me all the upvotes or the referee wakes up from a vicious piledriver through the announcer’s table.

4. My nicknames growing up were “Split-leveloDe-stresso” and “ThousandIslandoTakeaChillPillo.”

5. I have a variety of security measures and protective policies in place to ensure that your investment in my content is not compromised by rogue financial mercenaries paid to post OPEN BUTTOCKS on my blog.

Bonus Reason: I’ll use the entire non-STEEMPOWER portion of all payouts from posts upvoted by you to commission Steemit artists and writers to create endless paintings, drawings, stories, and poems about pop-singing sensation Kim Kardashian riding triumphantly into battle atop a horse with a bear head.

Bonus Reason Addendum: You can put your faith in me because I am obviously such a careful and meticulous content creator that I posted this to the blockchain for eternity with the “100% PowerUp” option purposefully chosen and I’m very really extremely happy about that choice and didn’t angrily throw my phone across the room and break a beautiful shadow-box commemorating my wedding.

ps. I know it’s scary to piss off the oversensitive Steemit-rich people by upvoting or commenting on this, but we’re talking about bear-headed horses here guys.