ComedyOpenMic 5: Store Open, Ladies Keep Off

Claimer: take yourself to live in a world, my world where a gummed price tag to a loaf of bread doesn’t prevent it from being haggled down. Do that and you stand a chance of coughing out one or two chuckles. If it turns out I tricked you and wasted your time, flag me when you’re done reading.

Store Open, Ladies Keep Off

No, not because the owner is a misogynistic bastard or the said store’s purpose is to provide plastic prostitutes – sex dolls – for men of all nations to gather and realize getting off knows no national boundaries.

This ultimatum is a last ditch desperate plea and move to reduce the rate of attempted murders as a result of the poisonous pricing of goods that comes forth from the lips of the descendants of Eve.

_pixabay.com

Business set-ups have only one salvation – profit. It is however worth dedicating a research grant into discovering the brain-cells in charge of automating dames with one marketplace purpose – destroying the lives of sellers beyond recognition.

These mouth-murdering acts showcase themselves when these sweet innocent souls tell it straight to the weary face of a store keeper that the tampons he got for N300 should be sold to them for N250.

When they eyebrow their husbands out of overpaying paying for the toaster. What crime did N5 commit to forbid it leaving a pocket that is not yours? You know the word “tip” is proudly English right? Yeah, not everything revolves around the apex of those twins on your chest.

You were supposed to go shopping for the sole purpose of getting foodstuffs for dinner. Too bad only a fool believes that. Instead, you walk in arrogant and chewing gummy, drop your conscience at the front door and proceed to hack and haggle down prices deep below the supporting line of goods’ cost price.

Statistics say there is 83% chance of a store keeper going into cardiac arrest after attending to a female customer. Don’t ask me for proof, Barney Stinson is my Godfather.

It is not necessary to buy goods just to spite the attending. A normal customer goes for what he needs, for dames though, the chance to haggle is their only motivation. Breaking news: it is not funny. Risking the chance to get murdered by a price-noyed waiter, bar attendant, cashier. Respecting oneself sits its ass pretty high in the list of ten commandments nature handed to you on the day you made mama regret getting popped by pops in the first place.

When you come to my shop to get those milks and shakes that keep adding layers of shame-fat to your wobbling skin, killing your appeal and forcing your husband into a wanking spree only matched by the number of times haejin posts a day, point, pay, take and go, else back off.

SHOULD YOU INSIST ON PATRONIZING ME, DO THE FF

1. Erase any thought of stepping those yam legs of yours into my store. Oh look, the police just accepted my file for a restraining order on any human without balls and sacks 10m close to my business vicinity. Bet law and order have had their fair share of women-torture. Such great awakening. Praise Jesus.
2. Send your boyfriend, husband, that friend of your husband you are cheating with to my store on your behalf. Don’t give me that confused look like you listening to a mad man. We both know your hands do much more than giving jobs. It is the only switch to a man’s dim button. Use it and save both of us the stress
3. Make @traf the delivery guy. Heard he is a bot in human flesh so you don’t have no concern about efficiency. I hope he is a rod wielder though. Have had enough trouble dealing with slow estrogens let alone a robot made of it through and through
4. Or we could manage some platform called Steem making use of a dumb-named tech: blockchain. Some exchanges like @airhawk-exchange have been playing around some shit that as at when writing this is still up and running. Using their services will help you sit on your lazy couch and send the SBDs while I release the goods.
   

   ONE EXCEPTION

Only one breed is exempted: fish brains in human flesh. The tart, pretty and stupid. An awesome race of tits, 100% efficiently dexterous at turning men, hunting and hoping for their cookie, into spending monkeys.

The ones responsible for 83% of rich men turned poor. Those hotties that make atheists believe in magic. With one rubbing of hand round a poor bastard’s bald head, nigga goes into a warg that he only jumps back from once his pocket hit bottom.

I am talking of those ones who, with just one grab of the rod which resides in the pants of men, can trigger the @thejohalfiles into a bull-delegation (bulligation, if you will) of every steem in his power to my poverty stricken account.

Hell could they make Bernie and haejin jump into the same bed by the simple offering of a threesome.

There you have it. If you not a man, male-bot or empty-brained pretty face, save me the prison sentence, save yourself the bruises and banish your ass off my lane.

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I nominate @iamthegray and @ekjosh for the next round. Guys, check out the rules here