Confessions of a geeky dad: Weird household rules.

in funny •  last year

As parents, we sometimes need to come up with some awfully strange rules.

Rules are meant to be broken... unless they are my rules. Then they should all be mindlessly followed to the letter.

"Dad. Dad? Da-ad? Da-a-ad?"

Nails on a chalkboard. That is what it sounds like when one of my kids repeatedly calls my "name" from another room in the house. It literally drives me crazy (@trafalgar I literally can't believe I just used "literally" incorrectly. I hope your head does not literally explode).

Believe me, I love my kids very much. If they ever truly needed anything, I would drop what I was doing and swoop in to help. I also know I am very lucky that my kids can communicate their needs to me at all. But enough of that reasonable stuff. I am merely expressing my annoyance with my kids repeatedly calling my name and expecting me to drop everything so they can ask me a trivial question...

Instead of coming to find me!


If it is that important, get off your butt and come tell me. You are the one who wants something! The least you can do is not make me stop looking at steemit for any longer than is absolutely necessary.

Anyway, as a result of my developing this pet peeve, I have instituted a unique rule in my house.

You are not allowed to call me unless you are injured, a family member is injured, the house is on fire or...

you are in the bathroom and you run out of toilet paper!

My kids would be allowed to yell for me in the situation.

I'm not kidding. That is the actual rule.

As I was explaining this rule to a coworker, I realized that at some point in my children's lives, they will come to the realization that their dad had a very firm rule that ended with, "unless you are in the bathroom and you run out of toilet paper." They are going to think that is normal... until they express it out loud while they are chatting at a bar some day. Then their friends will cock their heads and look at them the way a dog looks at his owner when he sees him naked for the first time. "Your dad said what?"

Oh well. It's a rule now. Once I make a rule I stick to it so they will just have to deal with that epiphany later in life. I know they will be ok.

That won't be the only rule that gets them some cockeyed looks when they explain them as adults.

I'm not sure if everyone knows this, but starting in third grade, children develop the almost supernatural ability to create the most foul smelling stench in their shoes (especially during the winter). You see, the kids go outside at recess. They slosh through the snow and their shoes get soaked. Why don't they have boots you might ask? They do! But they are third graders who don't want to waste valuable recess time putting them on. Back to the wet shoes. They get them soaked. Then they go inside. As they dry, the combination of sweat, skin, and dirty water creates an incredibly putrid concoction that would be labeled as "hazardous fumes" if it could be bottled (but why would you?). Post-recess foot odor is one of the worst things I have ever smelled.

This is quite realistic. You can actually see the stench coming from the inside of a third grader's shoe.

My friend's sister happens to teach third grade. One day, I asked her how she could possibly survive the stench of 25 sets of noxious feet in the winter. She had a simple answer. She never lets them take off their shoes. She fears that if she ever did allow this, she would simply die.

"Why did the 3rd grade teacher fall out of her chair? It was January and a student took off one shoe!"

"Tip your waitress. Try the veal. I'll be here all week."

Simple enough. But at home, they must take them off. Luckily for me, I discovered that the socks are really the problem. You would think the rule would be, "If you take off your shoes, you also have to take off your socks." But no. That is too normal. In my house, from December to March, when you take off your shoes, you also have to take off your socks and put them in the special ziplock bag in your closet.

Again, they are going to grow up thinking this is a normal thing. Some day they will be laughing with their pals and ask, "Remember when you were a kid and you had to put your socks in a ziplock bag when you got home from school? Man the stench almost knocked you out when you had to take them out on laundry day."

They will surely hear crickets as they get the confused dog look from everyone within earshot.

You would think that as a loving parent, someday I would warn my children that these things weren't typical household rules? But why would I do that? Dealing with that kind of embarrassment builds character... and is freaking hilarious!

We have not instituted this rule in my house... yet.

Am I the only one with bizarre rules?

Did any of you have crazy household rules when you were a kid?

Do you have any odd rules for your own kids now?

If you are looking for some laughs, but you don't have 12 hours to dedicate to reading or writing long posts, check out the #punchline tag.

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I had four rules while raising my two daughters:

  1. You cannot wear pink and red together-except on Valentine's Day... reason: when little girls start learning to dress themselves they invariably choose pink and red...which I do not care for.
  2. Mom gets all the orange penny gumballs... reason: I absolutely love the flavor of orange gumballs, of course my daughters got another penny but Mom got the orange ones. Years later I asked my daughter if she liked them as much as I do, she said she didn't know-she'd never had one. : 0
  3. You cannot change the car radio station if a Beatles song was playing. At about the age of 10 the new game became searching the radio for their favorite songs, which I played along with, except when a Beatles song was on the radio. To this day my grown children won't change a Beatles song.
  4. For good or bad, accept responsibility for your own actions.
    That's really all we needed to get through the day : )

These are fantastic! Exactly what I was looking for. The gumboil one is bar far the best. She never tasted an orange gumball! Fantastic!


But tha rule in the family had bound us together

We're born in the same generation, so perhaps you remember being told by your parents to come home when the street lights came on...

No cell phones, no 6 mm DARPA tracking chip embedded in our neck, and NO idea where we were (exploring all the local woods for magazines; perhaps you recall that as well 😉).

Good times: When kids had relative freedom and the most exciting thing that ever raised concern were reports of a possibly rabid fox 🦊 somewhere in the woods.

Fond memories, thanks for bringing me back 🤝


Cooll!! Nyc Comment!!!


Yes! That is exactly how it was. I loved it and it feels odd that my kids' lives are so different. And there really is no reason for it. But it takes a community. I am willing to let my kids roam free... but if no one else does, there is nothing for them to do lol.


True that!
Is it any wonder childhood obesity is at such a catastrophically high level?
They're called playgrounds, kids:
Put down the video game and go climb on stuff!
Trust me, it's fun, you'll love it!

Not much of a weird house rules here in my home except if you know that you will pass gas with utmost stench like your insides are rotting to the core, you better go outside first. @hanshotfirst

Somewhat related. I'm a gamer and my wife isn't, so she doesn't really get that you can't PAUSE an online game. So when she wants my son to get off the PC (he's a gamer too) I make sure she gives him a little time to finish whatever he was doing in a reasonable time. I usually have to go in and verify that he really can't get up at that moment though lol.

Very funny post @hanshotfirst. Parents-children relationship is always exciting

This was very enjoyable to read, I laughed several times. I think your rules are completely proper, and I imagine I would come up with something similar if I had children. Keep it up! Lucky kids.

One of my favorite strange rules I had when I was growing up, (perhaps not a rule, more of a principle I guess) is that I always had to stop and look at the flowers at the side of the road, cause when we got to the destination I would have missed my chance.


Thanks. That is actually quite beautiful.

Haha, this post is still making me laugh @hanshotfirst! I can't think of any rules quite as outrageous as these but one rule my dad always had was no chewing gum because he hates how people look doing it.


I happen to think that the boycotting of chewing gum is an amazing rule


Prepares them for job interviews and what not.


That counts!

LMAO Your Post was So Funny, Thank you for the Laughs! And Yes Growing Up a Rule in our House was if you Had to Fart You Had to Go to the Nearest Corner in the Room, Fart in the Corner and Wait a Moment to Ensure the Skink wasn't Going to Follow You! Bwahhahahahaa!!! Embarrassing My Children ( I Have an 8yr and 5yr old)is one of my Most Valued Parenting Joys :P


That is brilliant! I am instituting that one today!

If it is that important, get off your butt and come tell me. You are the one who wants something!

My kids did not do this once texting became the norm. They would be upstairs in his or her bedrooms and I would be in kitchen and they would text me!
Really? Lazy, lazy, lazy... my parents, especially my dad, would have wrung my neck at the laziness.


Oh wow. I haven't gotten there yet. But I'm sure its just around the corner. Is there an emoji for toilet paper?


There probably should be- they already have the steaming pile of $#@& emoji.

Tell them to use both sides of the toilet paper. It'll save trees.




Brilliant! This needs to be a post in #punchline!


Thank you. Maybe I'll get that in sometime.

Hahaha...this one really great in first i thought you argue someone,but it makes me laugh to the end..hahaha...

Well done @hanshotfirst

"One simply turns off Commodore 64 when the adapter is too hot" :)


LOAD "*",8,1 !!!!!

Oh man I loved my Commodore 64!

Even if I'm not a parent yet, I like some things you wrote and I'll definetely remember some tips :D

Really funny..the phrase that you used "hazardous fumes" makes me laugh alot.. ha haa..Thank god, I have few more years to experience that also make some rules because she is only 8 months now.. @hanshotfirst


Good luck!

Well I didn't grow with any bizarre rules and haven't yet started a family to know if I come up with any of my own...but that socks into ziplock thing...damn that's really weird and funny 😂😂😂😂😂

"at his owner when he sees him naked for the first time. "

Never got any sdifferent reactions when my pets first saw me naked so again I have no idea what you are talking about!


Oh man I really must be weird. Bizarre rules and body!

This reminds me of how i used to torment my Dad just for the fun of it. If i dn't torment him like that, Who will? *evilgrin

damn, nothing says strict parenting than dad rushing over to wipe your ass with a fresh roll of toilet paper


Actually I left off the second part of the rule. If they don’t check before starting the “process” and I have to be called, I bring sandpaper. Kidding.


well remind me never to borrow a cheese grater from you solos

I Laughed at the #STALL drawing - guess he'll just have to 'wipe it on the wall'... oops, guess I did a rhyme.

Ah, well... anyway, i do know what u mean 'INHALATION HAZARDOUS/Avoid Breathing Vapors'. Where I live.. when I go to run an errand, there's always these guys who leave their awful-smelling diesel trucks running. I scurry past to try to get into the Post office or retail outlet.

It's so damn hard to breathe here, in the #Winter. Yech!
Anyway I found yr post quite amusing [laughed aloud several times !]

We is it we humans often find embarrassment funny? Like w/ The 3 Stooges, or you waiting til your kids get embarrassed about all THIS once they're grown...

Well, basically anything that has people [in this case children ] having an EXPERIENCE that doesn't involve BEING PARKED on the damn cell fone is a unique experience, and an 'advancement'.

So good on you, dad .

Got a good laugh from this post...say, you should consider setting up a school of sorts to tutor parents on weird rules for embarrassing their kids man! That's gotta be something! Haha


Oooo I like that. Could be a great business! LOL

I probably have weird rules, but I haven't really thought about them much. I will say I do get surprised at the things that come out of my mouth in response to the crazy things my kids do.

Hahaha It's refreshing reading a while someone who actually writes this funny and true things, I have 11 nieces and nephews so I sometimes have to invent crazy rules like this ones but you all know that this weird rules are proper hahaha, they will get it someday when grow up.
Totally following you thanks for sharing :)
PS: Sorry for my weird english

I don't have children but I still can appreciate the humor in your post! We all were kids once and had to deal with strange parental guidelines lol!

ROFL...True but funny. Every family has weird rules that suit each situation. My father used to tell us to close our mouths and eat our dinner.

Great writing! My rule in my house is IT related since I am an IT guy I created a firewall with 2 layers of security with diffrent roles for the day and the week. Kids hated but wifey and I loving it.

I RESPECT the shoes rule, man I have lived with a lot of stinky feet people. But don't the shoes mildew if they're sealed in bags?

I don't believe a word of it but it is funny. Unless you are like a Von Trapp father, then they won't listen anyway, but keep on trying!

There's many things I can match with my life

wow ! that's it funny.... good story. good writer.thanks for sharing.

Good :0!!

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😍A very informative post. Great job. Keep it up! 😍
OpenMusic Steemit Kiss.gif

No, you are not the only one with "bizarre" rules, @hanshotfirst. There's always a reason for them, as crazy as they may seem to others outside of the home. Buttering your bacon, reallly??? LOL, kidding.

Best Regards,
Bishop Corey DeFrancesco

Lol... So cool

This post was very informative thank you for sharing
you have my upvote plus a resteem

Wow nice

you don nice jon super post ever They will surely hear crickets as they get the confused dog look from everyone within earshot.

good pic

haha that was great to read nicely written : )

its funny indeed..really good one

upvote me pls SIR,

Great work keeep it up

your story very funny am vote your
plesz back yoe vot me

I simply love your articles, what great content and quality of posting you offer the community here on Steemit and abroad.

Thanks a lot :)

Good jop frienD

i like cartoon world funny thing life story You would think that as a loving parent someday I would warn my children that these things weren't typical household rules and living style,,,,,,

follow me.please

hiii dear @hanshotfirst, nicely written article with suggestions and guideline for children.thanks for sharing.

I really feel that this article is written to touch my heart . Its just awesome .I love it .........

Never even try to say stop I am thirsty.
Never forget to close the curtains when the sun goes down.
Never put your arms on the table when eating.
I can go on for hours but these were rules that we were told and did not dare forget any.

wow very funny

Sometimes the shoe is on the foot and you as a child find yourself infantilising your parent. There probably a half-dozen times during my childhood that my Dad was in the toilet and he forgot the toilet paper and asked one of his three Canaanite Slaves (One of his three sons to bring him a roll of toilet paper). Gosh how we hated to be in the awkward position of needing to carry out this task.

You are hilarious. I do have a rule about not bothering me as I work mostly from home. Very similar to yours, don't come in my room unless you are hurt, you sibling is hurt, their is a fire or someone is trying to break in, and if you need assistance with something in the washroom of a personal nature. Oh and the big one, you have another parent who is home while I am working, try asking him first.

Thank you for posting lots of content and effort in all the posts you do on steemit 👌🏼look forward to the next post ....... Keep up the good work from @devosdevosi