Trump’s Last Best Hope - Saving Him From Himself

William Southold | Opinion Columnist |The Southold Report
“Speaking fiction to power one story at a time.”

An intricate cyber security plan is in place at the White House, all in an effort to protect President Trump from his worst enemy - himself.

Devised by a small group of loyal aides, Operation Catch & Squash is ready to go. But rather than blocking anything from coming in, this plan is designed to keep things from going out - mainly some of Trump’s tweets.

“It will really be more of a catch and release op,” one of the aides involved told me.

“Can you explain that?”

“Sure. First of all, it’s only going to work at the White House. We have no way of doing this when he’s not right there.

“O.K.”

“And you know he’s going to be totally focused, as much as he can focus, on preening for the convention cameras.”

“Preening?”

“Oh yeah. He’s been practicing in the mirror, tilting his head this way and that, getting his sneer on - his ‘maximum impact Charlie Sheen sneer’ he calls it. The one he uses when girls try to turn him down.”

“What else? About his tweets.”

“We’re going to quash the bad ones, the ones most decent people couldn’t in a lifetime come up with,” he said. But still, we’ll have to allow a certain number of them to go out. His ‘gravy tweets’, the ones his supporters lap up and can’t get enough of - the openly racist, the misogynistic tweets. And homophobic. And xenophobic,” he clarified. “They expect them, and if he just stopped cold with those types of tweets someone might figure that his Twitter account is being censored.”

“Well, I suppose if you have to.”

“Listen. We’re walking a tightrope here. I mean, we want to keep his base enthusiasm up, and not rule out the slim chance that he might attract a Biden voter or two,” he concluded. “We’re going to need them.”

Please remember, you heard it here first.

Central News Service, proudly bringing you the fakest news anywhere, featuring our very own Pulitzer Prize winning Fake Newsman, William Southold
(CNS Disclaimer: Mr. Southold has in no way won the Pulitzer Prize.)