Trump Calls In His Flock

William Southold | Opinion Columnist |The Southold Report
“Speaking fiction to power one story at a time.”

Perhaps this is President Trump’s most trying time so far. He is facing a charged-up Democratic House, criticism from both sides of the aisle for a self-made foreign catastrophe, and now a new Fox News poll out this morning showing 51% of voters favor both impeachment and removal from office. Trump supporters, worry not. The man knows exactly how to handle it.

Trump is sure to deny this, but we have found two (anonymous) sources within the White House who have confirmed it so far. President Trump has launched a new offensive, both on Fox News and on the Republican Party as well. He is calling for, nay insisting, that his most visible supporters make a “hostage tape video” confirming their support.

CNS was the first to report last year that one of his favorite news personalities, Fox & Friends’ Steve Doocy, had made a video that the president watches, over and over. It’s a message Mr. Doocy obviously lifted from the Saturday Night Live character Stuart Smalley, created by Al Franken:

“You are good enough, you are smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you!”, enthusiastically intones Mr. Doocy.

Now that his need for adulation is more acute than ever (though his self-adulation will never get old to him) Trump has issued an ultimatum to his most ardent supporters: “make the tape or feel my wrath.”

My sources tell me so far he has received tapes from Fox Business Network’s Maria Bartiromo, Rep. Jim Jordan, and of course Sean Hannity. But there are more in the making.

“Mike Pence and Rudy, I assume,” I said to one of the sources.

“Oh no, he gets enough ass kissing from them publicly, he hasn’t even asked,” was her response.

In the growing fear of his “unhinged behavior”, this loyalty test sets a new marker.

Central News Service, proudly bringing you the fakest news anywhere, featuring our very own Pulitzer Prize winning Fake Newsman, William Southold

(CNS Disclaimer: Mr. Southold has in no way won the Pulitzer Prize.)