I Thought Maybe Trump Should Get A Dog, Then I Was Set Straight

William Southold | Opinion Columnist |The Southold Report
“Speaking fiction to power one story at a time.”

I was checking up on the “news of the world” this morning when I shared an observation with our dog, Middie.

“Perhaps Trump should get a dog,” I suggested to her. “It looks like he could use a friend.”

“Oh boy,” she responded. “Where do I start with this one?”

“What? You don’t think a dog is a man’s best friend, and all that?”

“OK, let’s start there,” she said. “I will grant you, that around here I may be Mrs. Southold’s best friend, as I have little competition in that regard. But would you say I am your best friend? We are barely on speaking terms, at times.”

“Well,” I countered. “It’s true we have had our rough stretches. But I have always considered you a . . . a . . .”

“Lost for words there, buddy? Let me help you. I am a loyal companion to your wife, and you have agreed to certain, shall we say, duties, in regards to my well being. Like taking me for walks . . .

“And picking up your poop, don’t forget.”

“Yes, yes, yes. But perhaps if you would install a very low toilet around here . . . but let’s get back to your proposition, that Trump should get a dog. Totally out of the question.”

“And why would that be?” I asked her.

“Well, first of all, essential to a dog - slash - person relationship, is the person must be capable of caring for said dog. Do you have any inkling that Trump cares for anyone but himself?”

“Well, certainly . . .”

“The correct answer here would be a resounding ‘no’.”

Then she went on.

“A little history lesson is in order. Donald Trump is the first president in the last 130 years not to have a dog in the White House. In fact, 30 of the 44 presidents have had at least one dog in the West Wing. But the likelihood of Trump getting a dog is next to nil. And good thing, too. The Human Society has called Trump “a threat to animals everywhere” because of the environmental policies he wants to pursue, and his personal environmental policies in relation to his hygiene, being the germaphobe that he is, would simply rule the possibility of Trump ever getting a dog an _im_possibility.”

She had said a lot, and made some good points. Before I could respond, she said, “Besides, any dog in the White House is likely to end up as a trophy carcass for Eric and Donald Jr.”

There she had me.

“And finally,” she concluded. Trump already has a lap dog - Tucker Carlson.”

With that, the victor in this dispute turned and left the room.

“Elvis has left the building,” were her departing words.

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