A Super Accurate Short Tale About How The World Works

Once upon a time...

...there were two kingdoms.

The two kingdoms were on opposite sides of the world. They were both, roughly, the same.

There was a king. He owned 99% of all the gold in the kingdom. He dispersed 1% to all of his subjects. They farmed, lead modest lives, had a marketplace.

The king kept things that way, but he was distraught. He was worried about the other kingdom invading and taking all his gold and subjects. He was really worried about that.

On the other hand, the idea of invading the other kingdom, and taking all their gold and subjects, would make him king of the world. That was enticing.

All-day he bounced between extreme greed and extreme fear. It was driving him nuts.

So he rounded up his peasant subjects and made an announcement.

"Hey everybody, I need to talk to you about something. The other kingdom is going to invade us and take over."

The other kingdom had entirely different values. Their skin was a different color, wore different clothes, lived in a strange way. They were weird and the kingdom didn't really like them.

Someone in the crowd said, "How do you know they're going to attack us?"

The king said, "Ya know, I hear rumors. I've seen some stuff. We can't just sit here and do nothing. We gotta go to war or we're going to lose everything."

Murmurs went around. People were concerned. Another person in the crowd said, "What do we do?"

The king said. "Here's my plan. First, you gotta understand war a little. War means we have to be willing to do anything to win. It might mean sacrificing every last one of you. Ya know, a last man standing situation. It could come to that. If we're not willing to be ruthless because of morals or something, then all the other kingdom has to do is what we're not willing to do in order to win. Get it?"

More murmurs.

The king went on. "So, I think we should start by burning their fields, starving them, and really going after their women and children. And we have to make up something about how their king is planning to attack us and get that message across to their people. That way, the enemy kingdom's people will turn on the king. They'll be easy to conquer at that point. But, ya know, we really gotta mess these women and kids up. Especially the kids. We gotta get really brutal on them. Sound good?"

Someone in the crowd spoke up. "I'm not super OK with murdering and burning and starving children."

Another voice popped up. "Do we really have to use violence? I don't think violence is good."

The crowd started murmuring. Lots of voices were popping up.

The king thought, Shit. I'm a bad leader. I don't have the consent of my subjects. If they're not doing what I say, then the other kingdom will see me as easy pickings. It's my own plan working against me.

He stepped up to his balcony again. "OK OK. You're right. Dumb plan. Gimme a sec to think about a new one. I'll get back to you all."

The king sat in his ballroom and started thinking. He thought, Hrmm. I gotta make them do what I say. OK, I've got it.

The king came back out to his balcony and said, "OK guys. I got it. We don't have to attack them. But we need defense, right?"

Murmurs of general agreement spread throughout the crowd.

"So, I'm going to need only the best of the best, most violent men. Ya know, the ones really good at fighting and war. I'm going to test them and if they pass, train them. They'll hang around inside the kingdom and protect everybody. Cool?"

The crowd was cool with it.

He built a military, but it wasn't very big. He made up stuff about the other kingdom having a bigger army and that he needed more. He recruited more. He kept coming up with different reasons until he had a big army that was a large percentage of the population.

Then he stepped out to his fancy balcony for another public announcement. "Guys. New rule. You're all slaves now. Military guys. You will be paid well in gold, and you will get special privileges. If you don't want to be a military guy anymore, then you have to be a slave."

The entire population was enslaved, and the military guys stuck with being military guys. Some of them had doubts, but their peers said, "Hey, it's not perfect, but we gotta defend people, ya know." They all agreed and felt good about themselves.

The king kept making more and more self-serving rules, and the military guys kept everybody in line. Then one day, one of the military guys approached the king.

"Hey king, there's an issue."

"What's up?"

"There's less food. Water is disappearing. Maybe some of the slaves are hoarding stuff. Infrastructure sucks. Lotta issues actually."

"What's the deal?"

"I think the slaves are just really unhappy being slaves. I mean, one of our guys disappeared, and we think the slaves teamed up on him when we were all stargazing."

"Aw crap, a mutiny. Hrmm. OK, I'll make another speech. Round up the slaves in the listen-to-the-king square." That was the new name the king recently mandated the square to have.

The king went out to his balcony. "Hey guys, I have a big announcement. You are all free. You are no longer slaves. It's a great day, right? Now, here's the thing. All the rules are the same. You have to do everything as before. But of your own free will, and stuff."

Murmurs.

One guy said, "That means we're still slaves though."

The king said, "Ya know what. New rule. You just lied. Lying is wrong. Cut his tongue out."

A military guy cut his tongue out.

"You're all free, but lying is wrong, right? So, we gotta punish that behavior. Whoever lies, gets their tongues cut out so they can't talk lies all the time."

One of the slaves in the crowd was listening to the surrounding conversations.

The conversations sounded like this:

"Oh my god, he's censoring us!"

"What do you mean? He's just stopping the lies so our information is better."

"Cutting people's tongues out is way too harsh."

"I don't like being a slave."

"You're not a slave, you're free now. Didn't you hear the king?"

"Stop lying or I'll tell on you."

The slave peasant thought, I don't like how things are going. I think it's time to explore new horizons. Maybe I can just lay low in the surrounding forest while this war and slavery stuff blows over. Maybe I'll check out that other kingdom and see what it's really like. The king has always truthfully told us that the outside world is a hellish dangerous wasteland of darkness. But you only live once, so, let's have an adventure.

The peasant walked out and headed in a random direction for about 6 hours.

He came across another person. This new guy had a different skin color, different clothes, and looked weird. The peasant also saw another kingdom in the near distance.

"Whoa! You must be someone from the other kingdom!" Said the peasant.

The new guy said, "What are you talking about?"

"I'm from the kingdom. This must be the other kingdom. You're with the other kingdom, right? This is the other end of the world, right?"

"The other end of the world? Other kingdom? Not following you."

"Yeah, I walked all day to get here. Like 6 hours. This has to be the opposite end of the world by now."

"You just walked from your kingdom for 6 hours from that direction?" He pointed over the peasant's head.

"Yeah."

"I see, well, you're nowhere near the opposite end of the world."

"You mean I have to walk more? Like, another day?"

The new guy said, "come with me."

The new guy brought the peasant into a new kingdom.

"So this is the kingdom I live in. It's pretty good here. Your kingdom is a neighboring kingdom."

"Neighbor kingdom?"

"Yeah, you're only 6 miles away. World's big. There are many kingdoms. Ours is a peaceful one. The others are always going to war with each other over gold, or more slaves, or cows, or commonly abundant rocks. Ours stays out of it. We really never go to war."

"Sounds pretty good. How'd you swing that? Does your king just not like war?"

"No, that's not it. We just don't listen to him very much. He doesn't have much gold, thus, authority."

"What does gold have to do with his authority as a king?"

"That's the reason a king has authority. He's got all the gold. Does that make sense?"

"Entirely."

"Our king has some gold, but not the most."

"Who has the most?"

"Well, we've got a range of rich and poor. Most people are in the middle and the rich guys have a lot of pull. They have to be nice though. Lots of people work for them, and if they're mean, they'll lose their workers to a rich competitor. For the most part, everybody gets along."

"Wow."

"Oh, check it out. The king's about the make a speech. Let's go listen."

"Alright."

This other king stepped up to a much less fancy balcony. "Hey everybody, as you all know, every week you guys pay me 1 gold coin. I use it for helping out people on hard times, and military defense, and stuff to make life better in a collective way. Right?"

Everybody nodded.

"So, I need more this next week. I'm the king, ya know. Instead of 1 gold, everybody give me 2 gold every week from now on for all of time. It's not a big difference. Just, gimme a little more, OK?"

Murmurs.

The peasant said to the new guy, "Hey can I stick around? I like it better here, and my kingdom is enslaving me and going to war."

"Yeah, I got a big house because I'm rich. Stick around and keep learning."

Next week the two guys were sitting in the grass not doing anything when they saw a military guy walk up to a different rich guy.

The military guy said, "Hey, umm. The king sent me to confront you. You didn't pay your 2 gold last week. In fact, you didn't pay any gold. So, you need to pay me."

"No."

"Well, if you don't. I gotta draw an X on this paper and hand it to you."

"A paper with an X on it?! That'll hurt my reputation. I do not consent to this social credit system."

The military guy said. "OK, well, if you're not going to pay, I'm going to give you the paper with the X."

"How much do they pay you, military guy?"

"5 gold coins a week. Not very much."

"I'm going to pay 10 guys 10 gold coins a week to kill you and your entire family unelss you fuck off right now."

The guard ran away all the way to the king. He said, "Hey king! Uhh. I didn't get the money. He has a lot of money and said he'd pay a buncha guys to wipe out my entire gene pool."

The king said, "that's unacceptable. Hey, other military guys, go do this bad military guy's job."

They all murmured to each other, then didn't do anything.

The king said, "I see. My military guys aren't willing to sacrifice their lives and family's lives for a low paying job. Makes sense. OK, I'll go talk to this rich guy who thinks he can defy me, the king, who has less money than him."

The king approached the rich guy. "Hey rich guy, you didn't pay. Why not?"

"I didn't agree with your mandate. We already pay you. You didn't even tell us what you were going to use the extra money for. Why would I pay more for some mysterious purpose that may or may not be in line with my desires? So, I decided not to pay anything to express my discontent with your leadership."

The king said, "Ah, I see. Well, it's for...stuff. It's up to me, I don't have to tell you why. I'm tired of explaining myself all the time."

The rich guy said, "fuck off."

"Ya know what. If you don't pay me right now, I'm going to have all my military guys show up and make an example of you!"

The rich guy looked alarmed. He yelled, "HEY RICH FRIENDS. THIS GUY IS BEING A TYRANNICAL ASSHOLE. EVERYONE STOP PAYING HIM NOW!"

The king looked alarmed. "Shhhh! OK OK. Relax. Nevermind. I'm sorry. Don't team up on me, OK?"

"Since you were a dick just now, I'm not paying you next week either. After that, I'll pay you 1 coin a week like normal. Only because I want to though. Because I believe their should be a collective pool of money to benefit society."

The king went back to his mediocre, unimpressive castle.

The rich guy went around town telling everybody what happened. Everybody stopped paying 2 gold coins, and reverted to just paying 1.

The king didn't like that. It was time to give a speech.

"Hi subjects. Listen. I see you guys aren't paying the 2 coins. So, here's my request. Please pay 2 gold coins for the next week."

Someone in the crowd yelled, "Just a one-time two-gold-coin payment?"

"Yeah." The king replied.

The rich guy who cussed said, "What's it for?"

The king's mind raced. "Umm. It's for something very important but really boring to talk about, so I'm not going to tell you."

"Bullshit."

The king didn't want to admit defeat. "OK, umm, fine. It's for a, umm, for a, ya know those things...those things that everybody likes?"

Someone in the crowd said, "You mean a beautiful park to gather in and have feasts and events? I've heard of those. We don't have one."

The rich guy said, "Is that it?"

The king paused. "Yeah, that."

More voices rang out. "Will it have fun stuff to do in it?"

The king replied, "sure."

"Will it have an inspiring statue that is made in the likeness of the people?

"OK."

"Will the statue also be a good representation of our commonly held values and principles?

"Yep."

"Will the park feature free wine 24/7"

"That's hard."

"Can we call it The Field of Dreams?"

"I guess so."

"Will the park have wild horses and deer and stuff in it all the time? I like animals."

"We'll see what we can do."

"Will the park have a public transportation system that utilizes technology of the likes this world has never seen?"

"Guys! This is getting super expensive! There's only 100 of you, that's not that much money."

The rich guy said, "Hey everybody, this king is financially inept. He doesn't know how to achieve an ROI on investments. Let's just not pay him, go around him, and do it ourselves."

The king yelled, "Wait! Wait! No, don't do that. I'm the king. I'm super important. I'll figure it out. Gimme the coins. I'll make a mega-park."

The rich guy said, "how? Can we see a business proposal?"

"Yeah yeah, gimme a few days. I'll get one drawn up for your scrutiny."

The crowd murmured in agreement.

The king went back to his modest throne room. He sat gloomily on his throne. How am I going to deliver what these subjects want? Think king, think! he thought.

The peasant said to the new guy, "wow, that's nuts. I've learned a lot. Thanks man."

The new guy said, "what do you think of our kingdom?"

"I think it's way better than my own. Am I allowed to stay?"

"Sure, but you gotta make your own way, ya know."

"Hrmm. I only have one skill. It's a very unique niche skill. I'm the only one in my kingdom who could do it. So, I'm not very useful. I'm not good at building, or blacksmithing, or cooking. I can't sew. I can't hunt. I suck at everything except this one thing."

"What's that?"

"I know how to increase crop yields by 1000% through a highly nuanced farming technique."

"That sounds super valuable."

"Really? I just did it as a hobby to help the community in my old kingdom. I slept in the fields and ate abundant crops"

"How about this. You help increase my crop yield as you said, and I'll make sure you're comfortable. In the meantime, I'll teach you how to use your skills to supply demand. OK?"

"Yes, I agree. I'm so glad I searched my own feelings, questioned the mainstream narrative, and explored new horizons that most people wouldn't approve of because they view them as unacceptably risky."

*

The moral of the story is to go where the king is poor, and where you can be wealthy.

The king is government.