There’s only two good things about living in New Jersey. Find out what they are right now.

Living in New Jersey – It’s like you died and went to Hell!

Map of New Jersey
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Everyone knows it, even the people who live here.

“Hey Youse Guys!”

Start your New Jersey adventure in the northern part of the state and you’ll find an abundance of stereotypical Jersey Shore type douchebags and plastic sluts. Amazingly, you’ll find they are even ruder, stupider, and more superficial than that short-lived mockery of a reality TV show portrayed them to be. Their strongholds are scattered in between some of the dirtiest, most dangerous, and poverty blighted urban wastelands in the United States.

Travelling south you come to Central Jersey. Which doesn’t exist. It’s just the lower part of North Jersey.

Continuing your journey down you reach South Jersey. Here, you’ll find yourself surrounded by caricatures from The Sopranos. Most of them talk, eat, and breathe just like Tony Soprano. No one who knows better has the heart to them that Gabagool isn’t an actual word in Italian or that their homemade wine tastes like engine degreaser. Trump should build a wall along the Delaware river so as to contain these people to South Philly.

Venture south further still and you’ll eventually leave what most people would regard as civilization. Proceed with caution as you are sure to eventually cross paths with a Piney. Pineys are a special breed of genetically defective miscreant found only in the New Jersey Pine Barrens. They resemble a cross between Sloth from The Goonies and the mutants from The Hills Have Eyes. Their diet consists mainly of lead paint chips, human flesh, and amphetamines.

Which one of those stereotypes am I? Well, I’m kind of like a blend of all 3. Thanks for asking. Now go back to the reading the article, smart ass.

To Top It All Off….

They Should Rename It New Stalingrad
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The taxes are outrageous. You can’t drive 10 miles in any direction without going through a tollbooth or a DUI checkpoint. Everything is illegal, except being a complete asshole. Forget about any fun stuff like guns or fireworks.

I could go on and on but trust me when I tell you….it’s an absolute cesspool.

NJ Has But Two Saving Graces

You don’t have to get out of your car and pump your own gas…

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Mihalek will gladly do it for you.

Before some snowflake has a trigger tantrum and cries “That’s racist!”, I want you to do something for me. Go to Google and search “Arab Guy Pumping Gas”. Click over to image search. Oh look, second picture right at the top, there’s our friend from the pic above. Visit the link to the image source, Business Insider. Oh wow, look at the caption: “A gas station attendant fills a customer’s vehicle in Turnersville, New Jersey”. That’s literally 1 mile from where I sit and type this. It’s just a fact, they own almost every gas station here that isn’t a Wawa. It is what it is. Listen, I’m thankful they’re out there freezing their asses off all winter so I can stay inside my nice warm car.

Which leaves us with the only other good thing about NJ…

Jersey Tomatoes!

In New Jersey, Sometimes The Tomatoes Resemble The People Who Live Here.
Photo taken 10/18/2017 in my garden.

Tomatoes thrive here like no where else. They are the juiciest, most flavorful, best tasting tomatoes you’ll ever have. The truth is, you don’t even know what a tomato tastes like until you have had one from New Jersey. Is it because of the radioactive soil contamination from one of our many nuclear power plants? Could it be from watering them with the same contaminated drinking water that is causing all of those mutations and birth defects in the Pine Barrens? No one knows for sure. The only thing we do know for sure is that every year, from late June through October, we are treated to something so special that it’s enough to keep you from pulling up roots and finally moving away. Well.. that and the fact that you can’t sell your house.

Whoa! Were you thinking about talking some smack about NJ in the comments below? …. And you don’t live here? Fuggettabout! Capisce?

DO NOT PISS OFF THE @angrybartender
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