Day 68: 5 Minute Freewrite: Tuesday - Prompt: core values

in freewrite •  last year 

I don't know what my core values are off hand. Part of me wants to end the post right here. I haven't been feeling very spunky lately. I have been keeping myself distracted by playing an online game, Gemcraft. I haven't been reading as much as I like to. I feel like my rhythm got messed up about a year back. I was asked to simply talk to people. I don't fucking know how to get past, "Hello, how are you?" "Fine." "Great. bye." My conversations don't go much beyond that when I'm speaking with most people. (You are one of the lucky [unlucky] few if I do open up.) Besides, putting in the work getting to know people takes a LOT of energy.

If you have something I want, it is easy to talk to you then. If you don't, I don't have a clue as to what I am doing.- I know. I'm an asshole. - I hate it! Unless I'm drunk... Then it is so incredible easy to open up to everyone. If fact, some prefer me this way over being sober. Problem is, I don't want to be drunk all of the time.

I don't want to get to close to people any longer. They all leave or abandon me. Or, I find people who are from my nightmarish childhood.

I don't think people like me very much when I open my mouth to speak. They're fine until I do. I think I make most people highly uncomfortable. I don't know how to change this. I've been told the only way to fix some of the issues I am facing is to get to know people, but this is extremely hard. Even thinking about going out to places to meet people sends me into thoughts of suicidal depression. I don't want to go through all that shit again. I like sitting by myself reading a book. The book won't strike me, talk back to me in a way that makes me feel incredibly stupid, or talk down to me.

I love being around animals more than humans. Animals will let you straight up what they are thinking. Humans like to play to many manipulation games. I'm sick and tired of it. Even I do it. I'm sick and tired of me.

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My Completed Freewriting prompts:

  1. Dude
  2. Bittersweet
  3. Basket
  4. Housecoat
  5. Nail
  6. Faster Than Light
  7. Cane (Bonus: Red Wine)
  8. A Ridiculous Amount of Fun
  9. Mosquito
  10. Bamboo
  11. Hook
  12. Sweater
  13. The Entryway
  14. Trolley
  15. Flea
  16. Awakening
  17. Her Homemade Jams
  18. Party
  19. Important
  20. Parasol
  21. Back Pain
  22. Late
  23. Medium
  24. Mother
  25. Banana
  26. Paper
  27. Milk
  28. Tree
  29. Swing
  30. Bored Stiff
  31. 5
  32. Home Alone and Doctor’s Office
  33. Monkey’s Wedding
  34. Wire
  35. Appetite
  36. Travel
  37. A Kiss
  38. Mice
  39. Detective
  40. Homeless
  41. Eyebrows
  42. 40 Percent Off
  43. One Year
  44. Frosting a Cake
  45. Bones
  46. Clouds
  47. Scratch
  48. Wet
  49. Cherry
  50. Depression
  51. Camping
  52. Caterpillar
  53. Quadrillion
  54. Describe the Room You Are In
  55. Dew
  56. Miami
  57. Skinny
  58. Lizard Cave
  59. Mold
  60. Herbs
  61. Phone
  62. Wood
  63. Prototype
  64. Discord
  65. A Jumble of Words
  66. Suffers in Silence
  67. Bath

Weekend Free Write:

  1. The Picture
  2. The Crooked Umbrella
  3. The Chair That I’m Strapped To
  4. The Stall - Part 1
  5. The Stall - Part 2
  6. A Common Ending
  7. The Stall – Part 9
  8. Withdrawal
  9. Richard’s Surprise
  10. The Trap

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I’m with you there! Misanthropes of the world unite, and
to quote Mark Twain “The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.”
It’s your friendly free write encourager here with the prompt for today: https://steemit.com/freewrite/@mariannewest/day-251-5-minute-freewrite-wednesday-prompt-players

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Funny quote and thanks.

Socializing is hard, and I'm not good in large places with many people. I prefer one or two people that I know and trust well. I understand the social anxiety and I empathize. Yes, alcohol can loosen us up a bit, but you're right you can't be drunk all the time. I hope that you can find a happier place in your world. We appreciate you sharing your true thoughts and feelings here with us. Have a great night.

Wow, if this post is about you, then I applaud you for opening up about yourself and the challenges you face. I used to enjoy being around lots of people, but the older I get, the more I prefer one or two at a time. It's easier to focus on a conversation that way. I've never been drunk, so I don't know what kind of a drunk I am. I've always said I can make a big enough fool out of myself when sober, so why bother getting drunk? I hope you have a cat or a dog to keep you company. They are excellent companions.

Yes, it is about me. Thanks for your reply. I have no animals at this time. I've vaguely thought about getting one but I'd like to have a home first.

I am working with a person who is an EQ (Emotional Intelligence) councilor. She is helping me work through this trauma stuff. I tend to freak out at times. I have difficulty feeling the emotions and letting them pass.

I wish you well on your journey to better mental health!

I don't know how to change this

They know enough who know how to learn. Henry Adams