'Why didn't we swap numbers' - a Fiftyword Flash - Freewrite #13
An hour went by. Then three.
Trains rushed back and forth before her, stopping to accept or eject the same sea of anonymous faces.
“He should be here,” she thought, “we said a year.”
Somewhere across town, behind the pile-up, traffic slowed down to a halt.
The station emptied.
with the prompt, "one year".
I'm a soppy bastard at heart. This one borrows heavily from Richard Linklater's 'Before' trilogy.
A short moment of life that fits in 50 words, it's not a lot to say, but these 50 words provoke way more emotions than some longer pieces...
Have I told you already, that I love your train station scenes, well, both of them ) maybe there are more, that I'm not aware of))
The image of 'Trains rushing back and forth before her' set the mood for me, - narrator's alienation, she's just a half without her beloved and all the people are just "the sea of anonymous faces", when his is not among them!
'Somewhere across town, behind the pile-up, traffic slowed down to a halt.' - that's again about her, her life has stopped at this moment. Was she prepared for this outcome? When you assume that something is supposed to happen, but it doesn't, - your life is brought to a hault, you just don't know, what's next for what is happening now is not in the 'script', this stagnation might last a while...
And the conclusion, oh, as usual, I'm your fan, you surely know how to put finishing touches: "the station emptied", leaves the narrator and the reader with a feeling of loss; all the hopes and excuses for him not showing up, have disappeared one by one leaving her with the empty station and yet not empty heart, she'll always keep the best moments of the times, when they merged into one soul, one body for all time.
As for the Linklater's trilogy, my husband and I have watched it, well, he made an effort to bear it ))) but your write triggered memories of another film - Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, this is my favourite part of Jim Carrey of all times!
I'm starting to get the feeling you know my work better than I do, haha. I would add about the 'traffic' line, that while it absolutely serves as a metaphor for our heroine's life in that moment, it also offers up two suggestions as to what might have happened to her sweetheart...
I get why a lot of people wouldn't be into the Before trilogy - it's basically 4.5 hours of two people just walking around and talking, haha. Definitely up there among my favourites though. In fact Linklater is probably my favourite director at the moment. I love Eternal Sunshine too! Not what I expected from a Jim Carrey film at all but such a brilliant surprise.
Umm... I always mix up "hero, heroine" and "narrator" things)))) in Russian it's just "hero" for prose and "lyrical hero" for poetry) hahaha
Not to worry - I was using it a little bit tongue in cheek anyway, in most cases I'd just say 'hero' too :)
Very powerful, and well written. I like the succinct-ness of it, and the final result. Or lack of it ( in her case).
Thank you - its hard squeezing so much into these little writes so I'm glad it still reads well!
What a great scene and this would be perfect as a 50-word story, think it's pretty damn close!
Cheers! It's 50 words exactly, minus the title, which I only partially consider cheating ;)
Man, I missed the title stating it WAS 50 words. That's what I get posting comments in the morning :)