I don't want death either. My little dog is 13 and has congestive heart failure. He still wants his walks, but eats less, requires lot's of pee breaks and we beg him to eat. Just the dog, but a long-time member of our family. I can't even imagine losing a child.
I like how you wrote aweful and then awful, like there's a spiritual aspect to death--full of awe, similar to birth, and even if there's nothing on the other side, those people left behind are touched by the spirit of that person's/animals love in action.