At some point in life, you will inevitably find yourself caught in conversation. Some manifest as surprise attacks, others are more predictable. Even in this advanced age, many innocent introverts suffer from unsolicited conversation. Here, I'll teach you techniques to overcome these problems.

In this series you will learn how to avoid conversations with anyone in almost all situations. Some techniques are transferable across all circumstances. Others are person-/location- specific.

Today, we'll be focusing on THE SPOUSE.

Sometimes, early on in the relationship, it's nice to talk with your spouse or lover. Later, it gets a bit trickier. It's no longer about how lovely you all are; it's about why you hide KitKats under the bed or something. Conversations become minefields with many hotspots and danger zones. Always be on your guard. Enter with caution.

The innocent 'How's your day been?' is a ruse! Don't fall for it. This quickly spins into a discussion about how their day has been. It can be especially draining to listen and respond to a spouse who shares every detail of their day. These conversations can also turn into plan-making talks, dangerous bottlenecks which result in you agreeing to some sort of horrible chore or – worse – attending a party.

The trick here is to recognise the seeds of potential conversation before they actually sprout into an untameable monster.

Look for signs of heightened emotion.

Do they sigh when asking how your day's been? Do they put on the sad face? Worse – do they say they need your opinion on something? These are clues that it is not safe to engage. Likewise if you notice an excited expression or chirpy tone of voice.

A neutral expression is what is desired. This likely means your spouse has nothing discussable happening and will give a mercifully brief summary of their day. This will require little input on your side. Some light nodding will usually suffice.

Practice your own neutral expression at all times. Under no circumstances must you exhibit any emotional colour on the spectrum. This excites curiosity in the spouse, which then leads to questions, which result in conversation. And we don't want that.

On arrival home, if your spouse is keen to chat, you must fix them to one spot. Lead them to the sofa and confiscate their shoes (under the pretence you are making them comfortable). Then, accidentally spill something on the floor; this inhibits the desire to walk barefoot. You see, a mobile spouse will follow you, filling your sacred head space with chatter.

Don't panic

When the spouse is fixed in place, go to the kitchen to make a drink. It's no good pouring a drink – this takes only a few seconds. You must concoct a complicated beverage with specific steeping times and many obscure ingredients. This gives you the emergency excuse of nipping out to the shop should your spouse – god forbid – have a range of issues to discuss. If your spouse selfishly wants only a glass of water, insist on accompanying this with a smorgasbord of snacks.

As you are making your way to the kitchen, encourage your spouse to continue what they were saying. You can respond with an 'Aww' or 'Really?' or 'Yeah, you were totally in the right' to give the impression you're engaged.

The drink/smorgasbord, no matter how ready it actually is, is not to be delivered to the spouse until the very last moment. Either they've discharged most of their chat or they've begun to uproot from the sofa. You will know this by listening for signs of fidgeting or them actually asking what the hell's taking so long.

In the meantime, set your mobile phone ready to dial 'home phone'. Position yourself near to the house phone.

This is one of the last options because, in phoning yourself, you will, indeed, be forced to have a conversation, albeit with yourself. It is important to pretend the caller is an already-existing person. Creating new people will raise questions in the spouse, triggering paranoia and putting you at risk of further conversation. Importantly, the pretend caller must be someone who is not likely to show up during the call.

The duration of this call will depend on your spouse's attention span. A good trick is to turn on the telly, or scatter some favourite magazines near to the spouse, diverting their attention. Hopefully something will grab their interest. Only then is it safe to end the phone call.

Disclaimer:

These techniques are not 100% effective and must be used cautiously. Some people can become emotional and even more talkative if they realise you're avoiding conversation. You are advised to use your judgement and be mindful of the dangers of chat at all times. Remember: there are no safe spaces.

Disclaimer 2:

I am not a relationship expert. Apply these techniques at your own risk.

Stay tuned for more useful conversation-avoiding advice.

Part 2 How to avoid conversation with co-workers

This article was inspired by @ddua's delightful How to start a conversation with anyone. Please go over and check it out.