There are two more days to enter FreedomChallenge #2!

These are my thoughts on the prompt: What is holding me back from feeling more free? (Since I am hosting this challenge, this is not an eligible entry :)

How I define my freedom is constantly changing.

When I was in college and in my early 20's I wanted to be a millionaire by the time I was 30. It was a loose goal, not a hard goal but I thought it was possible. I took a lot of financial risks that could have turned out better if I put a little more emphasis on sound decisions and less on the risk. But nonetheless I thought that if I had a million dollars I could retire at 30 and I would be free. Needless to say it didn't happen.

By the time I was 30 I realized I wasn't a millionaire. I had worked for a string of tech startups and small businesses that treated their employees mediocrely. I was attracted to the freedom and flexibility of the work culture and the exciting idea of possibly being in the ground floor of a company that would make it big.

So I ended up creating my own consulting business in my late 20's through my mid thirties. I did OK for myself and always managed to pay the bills. I appreciated the freedom that came with having my own business. I could start and end work whenever I wanted, take days off anytime I wanted and take long lunches with my friends. But despite that freedom I was a workaholic and even if I didn't have a paying client at the time, I managed to keep myself busy pretty much all the time. I was busy with interesting projects and research, but at the same time I was in denial that busy doesn't equate to productivity.

I eventually felt like I worked myself into a corner.

I got so frustrated with having to do accounting, sales, marketing, on top of the actual production work. My sales were declining in part due to the aftermath of the economy crashing and in part due to my network skills were lacking. I was in denial of that and it came out as frustration.

So rather than wait for things to get worse I got a new job doing web design, which I had self taught myself while I was running my consulting business. I was excited not to have to wear all the hats anymore and excited to have a new title and doing only that. I was excited for change.

It worked out pretty well for a few years. I had a mentor near my age that I respected, got along with and whose company I enjoyed. It was the first time in my career that I had a mentor that I really appreciated. He taught me quite a lot and with my guard down I was able to evolve as a designer.

But one day it occurred to me. My mentor really enjoyed design. He did it as a hobby when he was at home. He took his work home too. When I got home I wanted away from work, away from design. I wanted to be working in my garden, going to the gym, relaxing, cooking, anything else but not design and not working on a computer. I wanted to enjoy it as much as my mentor, to have that passion.

Again I was in denial that I didn't love my job.

I knew it but I also didn't allow myself to explore other options. I was attached to the salary, my lifestyle and my comfort zone.

I felt free when I was out of work and when I was in my garden, hiking, camping or cooking. I felt free on my lunch hour when I stepped outside the office looked up at the blue sky and inhaled deeply. I enjoyed and savored those freedoms but the trade off was sitting in a job that I was not passionate 40 hours a week, counting the hours.

Then I got news that I would be divorced from the woman I loved and had been with for 13 years.

It was heart wrenching. My worst fear, that I never expected, came true. But our relationship had been unhappy for some years and it was pretty stale and getting more stale with time. I took the divorce as an opportunity to be reborn.

Suddenly I felt free again. Free to live in my own space. Free to set my own schedule. Free to be single. Free to explore my own life and my own identity. It was rejuvenating.

My career still dragged on. I did great work for the company I worked for but I was less passionate about it as time went on.

Then I got news that I was laid off.

I was called into my manager's office with 3 others who were laid off on the same day. One was crying, the other was in shock and disbelief. But inside I felt happy. I thought I won't have to go to work tomorrow.

I started searching for a new job but I thought, I hope I don't get a job for at least a few weeks, ideally for a few months. I really want this time off. I have been working for over 20 years, since I was in high school, through college and until now with no big breaks.

I felt free of my job! As I took interviews I secretly hoped that they wouldn't give me an offer. And I turned down a few. I was being extremely picky because I didn't want to go back to work. I was coming out of my denial.

I finally realized that I could pursue my dream. I had a pipe dream of homesteading for several years. I dreamt that I would save up money through my career and then one day I would retire on a homestead.

I thought... this is my passion! I had been gardening for 7 years and loved it. For at least a year when I was at work I would daydream about what I would do in my garden when I came home from work. I would research gardening ideas on my lunch break.

What am I waiting for? I am divorced and unemployed. I can finally go wwoofing, travel, learn farming and make a career out of it.

Actually the realization didn't come that quick. While I was still looking for a job I started volunteering on local farms. I volunteered significant time on 5 local farms, and then eventually found two jobs at a permaculture demonstration site and at an organic orchard.

As some months went by I was convinced that I wanted to pursue farming as a career. But I felt tied to my home. Again I was stuck in my comfort zone. I journaled furiously about what it would be like to go wwoofing.

After realizing that I could survive coming out of the reality of my fear of divorce I started overcoming other fears. Small fears at first but also big ones.

And so I made the decision to sell the house, sell as much of my belongings as I could bare and go wwoofing on various farms in the Pacific Northwest.

This was one of my biggest fears.

I chose to have no income and no home. I sold, gave away and donated all of my furniture, many clothes, electronics, sports equipment and many many of my prized belongings. It was difficult because I was a pack rat (not quite hoarder but almost).

I had no idea how much emotional attachment to my belongings I had.

At first I got rid of the easy things, items I had less attachment to. Then I was relentless. I convinced myself to continually go over all of my belongings, open every drawer, every box. I must have made 5 rounds and every time got harder and harder. I didn't manage to get rid of everything but I got down to less belongings than I had had in over 10 years. I eventually downsized to about two carloads of stuff.

As I downsized my belongings I became invigorated. Each layer of stuff that I removed from my possession brought more feeling of lightness and freedom.

I put some of my final belongings into storage and then took it on the road. To be on the road felt so good. I realized that my only bills were a cell phone and car insurance. How freeing it felt not to have to pay utilities, rent or mortgage, even a large food bill for that matter since I would be trading my labor for room and board.

I spent roughly a month at each farm I visited. I loved every minute of it. But when I left the farm and took it to the road again... it was so freeing. I knew that I was in control of my destiny. It was my choice where to go next, when and why. Life was simplified so much again, a feeling I hadn't felt for a long time, certainly not in my adult life.

I traveled and volunteered my time liked this for over a year. Coincidentally my ex wife was having a similar parallel but completely different experience. Starting with the courage to end our marriage she too had found her own way past her fears into a free-er life.

And then @idyllwild suggested that we give it another shot.

I knew it wouldn't be easy but I also knew that I couldn't pass up the opportunity to try. If I didn't try I would always wonder what would happen.

That was roughly a year ago and now we are choosing to move to a new location together. To take it on the road together. To live off grid and plant a garden.

Neither of us have a job but we are starting businesses doing what we enjoy. We have both become accustomed to volunteering and not needing an income to meet our basic needs. We are both quite selfish and stubborn about not wanting to give that up, now that we have had a taste of that freedom.

We have been free of the rat race, free of a boss and free of the desire to be employed.

But now that we are ready to stop volunteering for others and volunteer our time for ourselves we are faced with a challenge.

We put our message out to the universe and found a gig house sitting for an off grid homestead with garden space. Our rent is very low. And we will continue growing and trading as much of our diet as we can to keep our food expenses low as well as making our own medicine.

We shop at thrift stores for 75% of our clothing, cook just about 98% of our meals and are finding new ways to live under our means. We still have expenses but we have shaken a lot of our old consumer habits and are a lot more careful about spending.

So now we don't need to make as much money. We don't need to make much money at all to meet our expenses. This is so freeing.

It is still a struggle. We are faced with going out of our comfort zone, resisting the urge to fall into old habits.

Old habits are not freeing. I recently had to take a break from steemit and the internet. I was excited about making an income with steem and turning it into a part time job, I was researching cryptocurrencies and it was consuming a lot of my time and energy. I was reverting to my old habits of being on the computer for hours on end. While I was truly enjoying what I was doing and actually quite passionate about it I was reverting to old unhealthy habits.

It is ironic because when I left for the farming volunteering adventure I felt free of so many things, including being at the computer 8+ hours a day. I said to myself, I would not do that again! And here I am realizing I had done that. It was like a big flip flop from lots of time at the computer to hardly any and being outside a lot, to back at the computer again.

My first inclination was to give up steemit completely.

Let's face it I was starting to become addicted. I wanted to post every day, read everyone's feeds, comment to everyone. I am learning a lot, having a lot of fun but I also feel like I am becoming my own boss and also showing addictive behavior.

In my mind I was saying, "well how do you expect to turn your steem gig into a real part time job if you don't put in all the hard work?" and I replied "well yeah duh, so I'll do it" but in the back of my mind I knew I couldn't keep on the computer for so many hours a day every day. And anyway, what will happen when it is spring time? How could I keep it up and still enjoy the outdoors!

What is holding me back from feeling more free?

• Being in denial about how my behavior affects me.
• Not being more disciplined in my actions.
• Anxiety.

I am picking up meditation and Tai Chi again which are helping quite a lot.

I just recently learned that I am not feeling very grounded. In a lot of ways I am a very grounded person because I am quite careful in most of my actions. But I am not emotionally grounded. I suffer from deep anxiety.

My tai chi instructor is teaching me breathing exercises that are helping me move my tension out of my shoulders and find grounding in my center.

These and more are all helping me to find healthy ways to approach my emotional challenges that I have held as part of my identity since I was a child.

I will look to find a healthy balance between my online life and my offline life. (If you don't see me commenting on your blog as often as I had before, that is probably why!)

I find it so interesting that with every success and every experience of freedom, it is possible and quite easy to suddenly not feel free again. I get into new comfort zones. They are new in context but old in habit. But this realization and the willingness to overcome my fears, and work to get out of my comfort zones helps me to get past holding myself back and opening new horizons.

It's not easy, but it sure is rewarding.