Embrace Your Insecurities Day 3: Opening the Door to Love
Opening the Door to Love
This 30 day experiment began with a question:
Insecurity acts like a closed door, shutting you off from flowing love through it and exploring what lies beyond. So what happens if you deliberately open that door?
It turns out that when you open that door, it not only let's you walk past it, but it let's everything that was on the other side walk into your life as well. Things that weren’t visible when you saw the world through the lens of your insecurity are now able to greet you with "where have you been all my life?" zeal.
Now that that door is open for me, it feels like a wave of love and possibility has flooded into my life. The future seems brighter than ever. I now view my insecurities as magic lamps that grant wishes when you rub them, rather than scary demons I have to run from.
Feeling On Top of the World
After posting my blog on Coming Out of the Closet a few days ago, I felt on top of the world. I was walking around my house yelling "Fuck yeah!" and "I am the fucking man!" It felt like I was doing the best work of my life and it didn't matter if anyone else recognized it.
When I was still in that incredibly high state, I got a random message from an old friend, and we ended up talking on the phone for two hours. It reminded me of the countless long conversations we used to have years ago when we were close friends. She told me how she went on this amazing journey through a "dark night of the soul." And I could tell just from listening to her that she had leveled up to a whole new level of openness and knowing herself. Her heart was wide open, and beaming to me through the phone.
By the time we hung up, my heart felt wide open too. The next day I texted her, "You are like a ship returning from India with all these exotic spices. I just want to stock my cupboards full with everything you brought back from your journey."
We ended up hanging out last night, and she suggested that we communicate with total openness. So I got to practice being transparent instead of hiding, and it turns out that the difficulty of being very honest upfront was nothing compared to how easy it was to communicate once we established that total transparency. There was no thought about whether or not to share something. You were just to free to say whatever came to your mind. I even ended up reading some of my insecurity posts out loud to her and not feeling embarrassed or guarded.
What was supposed to be just a few hours of catching up ended up turning into over 14 hours of non-stop talking, cuddling, and feeling a love so pure that it felt like we were both at home. It's too early to say where any of this will lead, but I can't help but think who I might transform into from extended exposure to her. She "gets me" like no one I've ever met before, and sees so many lovable qualities in me that I can't help but fall in love with myself through her eyes.
From Crippling Insecurity to Total Honestly
When I started this experiment I had a lot of resistance. I couldn't even write my Day 0 post without having four beers to get myself into a controlled buzz and lower my inhibitions. It was like my insecurities were throwing a temper tantrum, and I wanted to so badly cave in and go back to my habit of hiding. But I had a mantra that allowed me to persist through the resistance, "this is worth struggling for." It reminded me that there was a greater purpose to what I'm doing, and that any temporary discomfort I may experience was nothing compared to the possibility of creating long-term change in my life, or inspiring someone else to create it in theirs.
It feels amazing that I could get from that place to feeling this good in such a short period of time. I know I will still feel insecure under circumstances. Or not feel safe enough to be totally honest in others. But I have discovered that it's OK to be me, just the way I am. And that my insecurities are a rocket booster, ready to drive me forward, not an anchor holding me back.
I am going to continue down this path, seeing what doors I can open and what new things may flow through them. I don't know what the future will hold, but I know I'm done holding myself back from it.
As I look ahead to find another door to open and insecurity to overcome, I'm struck with a powerful thought: "Maybe these doors don't even exist. Maybe you're never really blocked from moving forward. Maybe your insecurity has simply blinded you to the ever-present flow of love the Universe is constantly sending your way."
Thanks for reading!
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Embrace Your Insecurities, The Full Series:
Day 0: Exceed Your Love Limits
Day 1: Coming Out of the Closet
Day 2: The Transformative Power of Insecurity