Embrace Your Insecurities Day 2: The Transformative Power of Insecurity
Imagine for a second that there really were pots of gold at the end of a rainbow. And you woke up one day to find the end of a rainbow shining down in your back yard. As you rushed down to discover the treasure that awaited you, you realized a stark truth. There are two ends to a rainbow, and the one that landed in your yard was the start of the maze, not the end of it.
A fortune did not fall into your lap that day. Instead, you experienced the absence of fortune. But just as both ends of the rainbow are connected, so is the relationship between lack and abundance. Finding the wrong end of the rainbow doesn't bring you treasure, it brings you a treasure map.
Insecurity is the wrong end of the rainbow. It's not what you thought you wanted, but it leads to exactly where you want to go. And maybe, just maybe, traversing the journey from lack to abundance is better than having what you wanted fall into your lap.
The following is the story of one of my biggest insecurities. But you could just as easily replace this with the story of one of your insecurities and realize that both maps lead to the same place. They lead to the treasure that's at the end of the rainbow. And if you're willing to let go of your familiar story, and travel off into distant lands, you will find that your insecurity, too, is a treasure map.
Insecurity is not an obstacle between you and your desire, it's the key to your desire. The only trick is that you have to let go of the story that makes you feel small and insecure, to discover the path that makes you feel powerful and alive.
The Journey of a Thousand Insights Begins with a Single Insecurity
For most of my life, I've had resistance to being told what to do. If there weren't immediate consequences that backed up what I was told, I would happily ignore any advice given. It wasn't necessarily that I thought I knew better than the adults that seem to so readily espouse advice to growing children, it's just that they seemed to tell me a lot of things that just didn't feel true. Or maybe the fact that they didn't trust me enough to let me learn on my own, prevented me from learning why it was important to listen in the first place.
A rebellious and distrustful attitude can serve you in many ways, but sometimes adults actually know what they're talking about. Take, for instance, the simple advice of "brush your teeth." That's one I wish I would've followed as a kid.
It wasn't until the 8th grade that I developed my first cavity. At this point I should've done what anyone who has a healthy relationship with their parents would do. Bring it to their attention, maybe get lectured, but get it fixed. Instead, out of fear of pain, or not wanting to be a burden, I just kept silent. I didn't even change my brushing habits. I just ignored and endured.
By the end of high school, one cavity had turned into many. It wasn't until one of my front teeth developed a cavity that I began to get self-conscious that others now knew my dirty little secret. To hide it I would just roll up a small piece of toilet paper and wedge it into the crack between my teeth. It was probably an obvious cover up, but most people would politely ignore it.
When I was 19 I finally reached full time status at my job and was eligible for health insurance. So I opted into it and found a dentist. He got me fixed up as good as he could, but some teeth were so bad they were simply extracted. My attitude was like, "Oh well. What do I need all of my teeth for anyway?"
These days I'm super meticulous about brushing my teeth, but dental work tends to fade over time. Now I have a bunch of micro-cavities that formed around the fillings. Fixing these would be expensive, and since I was out of work for several years until recently, I have prioritized my finances around maintaining financial solvency and not living paycheck to paycheck, rather than splurging several thousand on my health.
For the most part, the story ends there. Except it doesn't. Because I little over a year ago I stumbled upon a technique that helped me turn lack into abundance. It helped me break a pattern of barely scraping by and land a job that paid generously for incredibly little work. Simply by shifting from a perspective that made me feel needy and afraid, to a perspective that made me feel on top of the world.
In February of 2017 I actually shot a video of myself going through that process on this exact topic. It was 2 hours of raw footage that I intended to edit down to about a half hour of pure emotional transformation. But editing the video proved too time-consuming, and it was really hard to convince myself to pour so much effort into something I was ultimately still embarrassed about. So I shelved the project until writing about this topic today reminded me of it. Now, after 5+ hours of listening and transcribing, I've taken the best parts of that video and distilled below.
The Human Potential Pipeline
The Human Potential Pipeline is designed to take you from the lowest emotions to the highest emotions, by asking you questions designed to get you to think about a subject from the perspective of each emotion. By learning how to navigate each rung of the emotional ladder, you connect both ends of the rainbow, and free yourself to traverse freely between them.
My answers below are all from when I did this exercise about one year ago. Back then I was striking out at my attempts at online dating, and I lacked both community and an outlet for expression. Now I feel like I've found that outlet to connect with people through Steemit, and from moving to a city that is much closer together and community oriented. Plus I'm dating and feeling very confident and content in my love life.
What do I want?
I want to be able to align with healthy teeth. I feel like I haven’t had access to extra money for several years. And I don’t really have the money or the insurance to go to the dentist (I mean I could, but then I would be ignoring other financial obligations). But I want to be able to shift that. I want to be able to align with a healthy mouth.
Why do I want it?
I feel like it’s a representation of something being wrong with me. There’s something rotten inside of me. It’s representative of neglect. And I don’t want to neglect me. I don’t want to feel like I can’t have the care I deserve.
In this case it doesn’t even feel like this is about my teeth. It’s about worthiness or manifesting money. Or opening myself up to help.
I guess my ultimate goal is to be able to bring in the money to be able to afford the life I want. I want to be able to get care when I need it.
On an essence level I want to use this as an opportunity to change deeper habits. To live a completely different lifestyle. I don’t just want to have a healthy mouth I want to have a healthy life. I want to have a healthy social life. I want to feel like there’s a relationship out there for me that I’ll really love. And I want to feel like there’s a community out there that I can easily be a part of.
Fear: What am I afraid of?
I’m afraid of being unlovable. I’m afraid that the situation with my teeth is that I didn’t take care of them. I didn’t love them. I didn’t honor how I felt. I didn’t reach for relief when I started to feel tooth pain. I’m afraid of being revealed as some bad thing. I’m afraid that there’s something wrong with me and I don’t want to get close to people because I don’t want to have that affirmed.
Depression: What heavy thoughts are holding me down?
This thought that because things didn’t turn out the way that I wanted them to be that it’s somehow reflective of me. That I should be able to create my reality the way I want it to be. And if I can’t then there’s something wrong with me, or something not yet right with me.
I guess I’m feeling that weight of a situation I seemingly can’t change defining me in some way. And inhibiting me in so many other areas. I feel like I can’t really confidently pursue a relationship because I don’t want to turn somebody off with bad breath. And on a deeper level I don’t feel like I’m getting ahead financially. So this sort of exacerbates it. I can make more money and use it to improve my financial situation or I can use it to improve my dental situation. So there’s kind of competing interests there.
Powerlessness: Who or what am I giving my power away to?
I guess I’m giving my power away to other people. In the sense that I think that I have to get someone else to give me money in order for me to make money. So maybe I can reverse that. Maybe I can go to where the money is and get the money. I’m not talking about robbing a bank. I’m talking about opportunities. There are opportunities where people are happy to pay for something. And maybe I can own being that something.
Insecurity: What do I need to feel safe and secure?
I guess I just need a broader perspective. I need to see myself beyond this current iteration. Because I don’t feel adequate as this current incarnation as me. I feel like I almost need this version of me to change and be the thing I want it to be in order for me to feel safe and secure and proud of being me.
But am I really in any danger? No. I guess I’m in danger of not living the life I want to fucking live because I’m insecure. That’s the danger. The danger is that I’m letting things that I have trouble loving define me as unlovable to myself.
I think I’m mistaking that I have to change the physical reality first in order for my vibration to change. And I know that that’s not true. I know that I can raise my vibration simply by focusing on how I am lovable. And on a deeper level, those flaws that we think make us unlovable, are actually the biggest calls for love. Those are the ways people can express their love for us even more purely, since they have to look past whatever's getting in the way. If there’s something supposedly wrong with somebody and you choose to love them anyway, that’s like rising up over the adversity and finding them lovable anyway. And that’s the deepest love there is.
Guilt: What am I blaming myself for?
I am blaming myself for not paying attention to how I felt. I got tired of doing what I was told when I was kid. So brushing my teeth was just something I was told to do. I wasn’t taught, “Hey, when your teeth start to hurt, brush them and they’ll feel better.” Because if I was taught that I probably would have responded to feeling pain or discomfort by brushing my teeth. But instead I would just ignore the pain in my mouth.
I guess I blame myself because had I taken care of myself back then, I’d have really healthy teeth right now. If I practiced the habits that I practice now back then, I would be in flawless health. And I only have myself to blame for that.
Unworthiness: What desire do I need to own?
I want to own the desire that I deserve the best dental care. I deserve to have people care about me and invest in me.
When I focus on how my quality of life would improve if I allowed myself to have the dental care that I need: I would feel healthier, I’d feel more confident, I’d feel more whole, I’d feel more complete.
Maybe I could do something in exchange, like I could offer healing services in exchange for dental services. And that would cause me to step more into my healing.
So there’s the real desire I need to own. I need to own the desire to play big! Screw playing small! I don’t need to play small anymore. I’m ready for a bigger stage. I’m ready for a better me.
An even deeper desire I need to own, is that I need to own my desire to love myself unconditionally. Because if I can love myself unconditionally, then regardless of my conditions, I would know that I deserve love. So even if I don’t have the money to pay for dental care, I deserve it. I deserve to receive that love.
Jealousy: What might I lose from moving forward
I might lose some self respect. I might be jealous of the people who can just earn the money and afford their dental care with pride. Whereas I may have to open myself to receiving not because I’ve earned it, but because I need it.
It’s like there’s this social force out there, that says if you want to receive something you have to pass some litmus test. You have to earn it, or be worthy of it. I guess that’s not really a social thing, that’s a vibrational thing. If you want something you have to feel worthy it.
Ideally if I’m authoring my story I would want to be a self-made man. But maybe I’ll never have success if I try to do it all on my own. If I allow myself to receive something big and feel indebted to pay it forward, isn’t that an awesome thing? That’s almost like a mandate to go forth and create and be an awesome person and gain the means to give back.
Hatred: What do I hate about this?
I hate that teeth don’t naturally regenerate. Why? Everything else on the body does? Why not if you lose a tooth it grows back?
I hate that it’s not easier to believe there’s an easier solution. I hate that I didn’t take care of this when I had the money.
I hate that I feel so separate from the world. I hate that I feel like I have to solve every one of my own problems. And that there’s no place for me to turn to.
I hate that I don’t find it easier to contribute. I hate that I don’t find it easier to make money. I hate that this isn’t easy.
Revenge: How could I avenge this injustice?
I could change the system. I could try to change the way we see each other. I could try to act like somebody who feels like we’re all in this together, and really do whatever I can to help improve other people’s lives.
I feel like I really like capitalism on a lot of levels. But I feel like it creates barriers. Where you have to monetize everything in order for it to be worthwhile on a trade level.
I feel like we’re so quick as humans to cast blame on other humans. And because they make different choices than us we look at them differently, we don’t want to invest in them, we don’t see them as a part of us.
If I saw everybody as a part of me, then I would want to do everything I could to make every part of me the best version of themselves. And I would see everyone else as wanting to do everything they could to help me be the best version of me.
And that to me would be the best economic system. Oneness. Where we really connect with a desire to help everyone be their best. And it’s not that you have to because the government tells you to. It’s that you want to because you’ve connected on a spiritual level with other human beings. You see that universal connection between all of us. And so you don’t want to turn your back on them, you don’t want to blame them for where they are. You want to help them because they’re a part of you.
And this is how capitalism works optimally. Everyone defines their skill and the market finds them, and they’re able to do what they’re best at for as many people as possible. And I feel like if that was true, I would not only do the things I was best at a lot more of the time, but I would get better at the things I was best at because I’m doing them all the time.
Anger: What am I too angry to let go of?
I guess I can’t really let go of this idea that I can’t change the past. And that there would be easy and basically free solutions available to me if I was proactive. But since I wasn’t proactive, I now have to pay an arm and a leg to get solutions.
Worry: What am I still worried about?
I’m still worried about looking bad. I’m still opening myself up for the option of getting help and then not getting it, being rejected. I’m worried that if I tried paying for the dental care myself, that it would be way too expensive. Or even if I wanted to the government might say, “Well, you owe us money, so you can’t get that help. We’ll put a lien or a lock on a bank account, and now you don’t even have the option to get help. You fucked up. And now you’re shit out of luck”
Doubt: How can I cast doubt on my worries?
I think that the reason I’m in debt is because I have a strong desire to become more, and the debt is helping me become more. If I didn’t have debt and I didn’t have dental problems I would probably be content right where I am. I wouldn’t have this drive to become so much more than I already am. Because at the level I’m currently playing on it would take years or decades to get out of debt and pay for proper dental care. But if I play at a higher level I can solve it in much fewer years. If I play at a high enough level and have a financial breakthrough I could begin receiving enough money where in a matter of months I could start receiving dental care.
Everyone I owe money is a positive force, saying to me, “No! You are going to become the bigness that you are. You are going to stop playing small. You are going to step up. You’re going to step into your potential. And you’re going to live that. And we’re going to create this space that says you’re not going to have that until you step up and play big.”
It’s like being parented all over again, lol. “You have to do this, and then you can have the thing that you want.”
Overwhelmed: How might I become overwhelmed if I try to avoid disappointment?
This has happened before. I will try to perfect something so that it won’t be received in a disappointing way. And because of that it becomes a lot of work. And because of that I feel this pressure to get it to the point where it’s good enough. But maybe I just want to get it out there and improve iteratively into the future.
So if I didn’t strike a healthy balance and decide that I don’t need to be perfect right away, I just need to start playing a little bigger. I need to start swinging for the fences. Even if I swing and miss.
Impatient: What might cause me to grow impatient if I move forward?
I might feel impatient if things are getting worse before they get better. But, then again, maybe things are getting worse because they’re even more ready to get better. Maybe it’s there to help incentivize and help create the change I’m desiring.
Also I would feel impatient if some sort of a setback happened, and then I couldn’t get there as fast as I wanted to. And then I would feel this pressure of, “I better avoid setbacks.” And that could lead me back into overwhelmed. So maybe I should just accept that there’s the possibility for setbacks and that it’s going to take as long as it takes.
Pessimism: How can I make peace with those things as they are?
I can make peace with the possibility that it’ll take some time for me to play bigger. I can make peace with things being imperfect. It’s going to be frustrating when I want something to be better and I can’t get it there. But I can make peace with that. This is just an iteration. This is not the final product. I can continually be in evolution. The bottom line is that I’m ready to become more now, I’m ready to receive more now, and so who the hell cares if it doesn’t look pretty when I’m going through a growth spurt?
Hopefulness: What’s an outcome I can reasonably hope for?
I can reasonably hope that this exercise I’m doing right now is going to start creating momentum and create progress, and that I can start playing bigger. I can reasonably hope that I will rendezvous with opportunities to play bigger and say yes to them. I can reasonably hope that the more I put myself out there the more likely I am to be seen by somebody who wants to collaborate on deeper levels and make this even easier.
Optimism: What improved reality do I want to pre-pave for?
I want to pre-pave for a reality where it’s super easy for me to create a lot of value. I want to be able to easily create content that connects and resonates with people and illustrates powerful ideas and the possibility for easy change. And there are people out there who probably compliment my strengths very well, and we could work together and do awesome things together. And I want to find those people, or for those people to find me.
Belief: If I experience my desire regularly, what will I come to believe?
I will come to believe that I am super worthy. I do have a lot to offer. I do love other people. I do want to spend more and more of my time with them, co-creating, giving and receiving. Feeling that sense of community. Feeling that we’re so much more together than we are apart.
If I’m regularly being a bigger version of me. If I’m regularly having experiences where I’m like, “Holy shit! This person is amazing! What a fucking gift!” I will definitely believe I need to spend more time around people. There was a lot of things that I wasn’t seeing before that I am seeing now. And I just want more people in my life more of the time.
Enthusiasm/Eagerness: What will I be excited to jump out of bed for in the morning?
I’m living a bigger life. I’m helping people more. I’d be excited about, “Who am I going to meet today?” I’m going to indulge myself in their awesomeness.
Passion: Which of my passions would I experience most through living this desire?
I would experience my passion for loving. When I’m playing big I’m fucking “Care Bear Staring” love out of my heart into the world. I want to shine this beacon of light onto all the misunderstood and supposedly unlovable things that are holding all of us back. Because that’s bullshit. There’s nothing unlovable. Every single aspect of our life is in someway helping us. There’s nothing that’s holding us back. There’s only something that’s driving us forward.
And sometimes we get a little lost. We forget which way is forward. We think that forward is in this linear direction ahead. But the real forward is evolving into who really are. It’s the hermit crabs lining up so they can all step into the next biggest shell. And maybe sitting around waiting for all the shells to line up doesn’t feel like progress. But when you get into that new shell, that new version of you, you feel the progress.
Joy: What would I be overjoyed by from fully living this desire?
If I’m playing big, I would be overjoyed by being me. I’d be overjoyed by all the opportunities out there. Every single part of my life would be an opportunity to have fun and express joy and be loving. Even just going to the grocery store. I could become someone who’s so transformative that everyone around me in the grocery store is smiling and having a good time. I’m not just somebody going through there and other people are like stock characters filling up this space so that I don’t feel alone. They’re actually part of my life. They’re there to enrich my experience and I’m there to enrich their experience.
And I could feel connection with everyone. I could feel like no one has a non-essential role in my life. Everyone is here for a reason and we’re meant to make the most out of it. There’s something special about this moment and there’s something special about the fact that we’re sharing it together.
Empowerment: What new powers would I activate from living this desire?
You know how in a video game you get paid in experience or gold for everything you do? That could be my reality. I could just go out there and create value. I would get paid in the currency of the experience of everything I do. And gain the power to spread those riches around.
I would gain the power to own and author my experience and choose my own adventure. To do whatever I want with my life in the sense that, “Life is a gift! And God dammit I’m living it! And today is a gift. And I’m going to do something gift worthy today. I’m going to do something that I would want someone else to experience today.”
And that is an interesting thought experiment. “What if I was sentencing someone else to live my life?” Then it becomes important that I do something worthwhile with it. Not because it turns into some sort of a product, but because someone else is living this too. So when I treat myself like shit, I’m treating someone else like shit. And when I love myself, I’m loving someone else as well.
So if other people were living your life with you, would you be giving them the full value of the show? Is this moment worth the price of admission?
Love: What am I falling in love with through fully living this desire?
I’d fall in love with me. And humanity. Who knew humans could be all this? That’s awesome. The potential that’s within me, that’s within you. And that’s fucking awesome. You’re awesome!
How awesome is that? That we all have all this potential in us? And it’s just ripe and ready, ready to come out whenever you’re ripe and ready to allow it?
I love you. I love life. I love me. I love it all!
Thanks for reading!
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Embrace Your Insecurities, The Full Series:
Day 0: Exceed Your Love Limits
Day 1: Coming Out of the Closet