The MadGoat Cooks: German Food
I lived in Germany in my early 20’s. It was my "Eat, Pray, Love" moment, only it was more like "Drink, Swear, Self Loath." You know how some people just have a knack for languages? I am not one of those people. Of course, the Germans don’t make it easy on you with words like “rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz.” I didn’t want to be one of those Americans who travels across the world, eats at McDonald’s and demands everyone speak English. So when I went out and the menu didn’t have subtitles I’d just point at something and hope for the best. Sometimes it worked, other times I’d sit there watching everyone else eat while I’m starving, going, “Yeah, I totally ordered this bowl of lemons on purpose. It's a new diet I'm on.” After that happened a few times I just started ordering schnitzel everywhere I went.
While I was over there I worked at a hotel. On holidays we’d get a half-day and the fifty or so German housekeepers would bring dishes for a picnic. Ohmyfuckinggod, you haven’t had real comfort food until you’ve tasted recipes passed down through families who survived the plague, the protestant reformation, and lost two world wars.
I was feeling nostalgic and decided to have a German night. The beauty of these dishes is their simplicity. When you watch cooking shows and they say things like, “Simple dishes are the hardest because there’s nothing to hide behind,” they're full of shit. What does that even mean? It means they don’t want you to know how easy this shit is to make because if you did, you wouldn’t pay $20 a plate.
We’re gonna start off with some classic red cabbage. Slice up an onion and an apple and sauté them in a Dutch oven until the onions turn clear. Sauté is a French word that means: Put it on a hot piece of metal for a few minutes while you push it around with a spatula so you can feel like you're a part of the process. If you do this step without making a joke about giving someone a Dutch oven, you aren’t fit to step into a kitchen.
Next, shred up a head of red cabbage and throw it in the pot. That’s pretty much it. I left my mandolin in Colorado a few years ago and haven’t bothered to buy a new one so I just hacked up a head of cabbage with a knife. Throw some salt and pepper on it, dump in 1/3 cup of sugar and 1/3 cup of white vinegar, cover it and toss it in the oven at 350 for an hour. Juniper berries and cloves are also common ingredients but I didn't have any, so... fuck juniper berries.
Our next side dish is kartoffelsalat, also known as potato salad.
Boil some potatoes until tender and chop em up, along with an onion and some parsley.
Mix in 1 ½ cup of beef broth, ½ cup white vinegar, some salt and pepper, 1 teaspoon of sugar, 2 teaspoons of mustard, a little dill, and 1/3 cup of oil. Technically there’s supposed to be a process where you add the oil right before serving and some other stuff but this ain’t that kind of party. Just throw all that shit in a bowl and let it sit for an hour so the potatoes can soak up all that flavor. Even better; overnight.
Now you’ve got some time to kill before you start the schnitzel. Go outside and smoke cigarettes while thinking about all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life. Normally chefs do this while sitting on a milk crate next to a dumpster, but as long as there’s shit on the ground somewhere you should be fine.
Now for the schnitzel. I only use the finest cuts of pork that are on sale because they're about to expire. Smash your pork like you took it home after last call. It is ABSOLUTLEY necessary to make a joke about beating your meat or the pork will turn sour. My meat tenderizing hammer thingy is buried somewhere in my garage right now so I used a rolling pin. It seemed to work fine. Salt and pepper your beat meat, dredge it in flour, then dip it in a bowl of whipped up eggs, then flop it around in some panko bread crumbs.
Fry them shits up in some oil until it is golden brown. If you’re one of those prissy little bitches who’s all like, “Ooh, I care about what temperature I cook pork at…” Fine, its 300 degrees.
That’s all there is to it! Squeeze a shitload of lemon juice on your schnitzel and you just made a fine ass meal of Third Reich cuisine. All the ingredients cost less than $20 and it’s so easy even a Pollock could do it.
As one who has sat on that milk crate as a dirty dish pig, I can only try to imagine what the chefs, the lifers, must think as they haul a three minute cigarette while the rancid smell of used oil and a raccoon infested garbage bin remind them of their choices in life. Some great recipes, I think the only German recipe I remember was Spinat, Kartofel und Eier (spinach potato and fried egg) simple, quick, and if you cook the spinach right it's not half bad. Cool idea for a post, your like Emril now.
BAM!
They say great art comes from a place of pain. I find most chefs are fueled by pure, indiscriminate hate.
I like how raw you express yourself. It feels easier to connect with what you're saying
Can I come over for dinner?
You always have a seat at my table
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Put me in a room with a hundred women and I will instinctively find the one girl with bi-polar disorder and fall in love with her.
Dysfunctional individuals are attracted by each other!
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Those potatos and cabbage are making me hungry over here. lol
If you're ever in Houston I'll make you a plate.
Do you use butter, olive oil or margarin for the cabbage?
What would you have done if your mandolin was not in Colorado?
Can I use shitty white wine instead of vinegar?
That slice of lemon is just out of decoration or do you actually put it on the schnithzel? Does it not cover the taste?
Will I ever stop to ask questions?
I sauteed the onions and apples for the cabbage in grapeseed oil, mostly just because that's what happened to be next to the stove at the time. Not that I think about it, I should have just used butter. Everything is better with butter. Nothing is better with margarine. Although 90% of the time I cook with olive oil.
I'm talking about one of these mandolins, not the musical instrument. The answer to what I would have done with it is, "Probably cut the tips of my fingers off."
You can absolutley use white wine instead of vinegar, just add a squeeze of lemon juice since wine doesn't have that vinegary bite you want. I actually used apple cider vinegar but I said white vinegar in the recipe because that's how it's normally made.
Lemon is a must for schnitzel. It makes the whole dish. I squeezed half a lemon on my schnitzel.
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