I find this entire post absolutely hilarious! I'm so glad you've finally experienced the joys of crumpets! (and that you even topped them with ORGANIC jam!) I have to say, they don't look exactly the same as our British ones. I think ours are slightly thicker with more holes - you might want to look up our favourite brand - Warburton's crumpets. As a crumpet lover myself I do appreciate the effort you've put into the detailed description of your crumpet journey, you've really done it justice.
Thank you for sharing your crumpet experience with us, it has truely made my day :)