Avoiding like, the plague...

I'm always living somewhere that smells weird.

I just want somewhere, that hasn't been spilled, or cummed on, or gotten wet and moldy.

I just want a well ventilated room, with nothing in it. No grandma furniture, no 30 year old mattresses, no musty brick work.

I moved into this cool little outhouse, and for some reason, the retarded hippie that built it, put a garden on the roof. I'm there for two days and the ceiling goes black.

The bed's raised, like the top of a bunk bed, and instantly I have asthma. I can't even breathe. I decide to be proactive and clean it with bleach, but it soaks into the fibre board, and so now I can't breath and my eyes are burning.

The mattress, has a hole in it, every time I lie down on it it puffs sawdust and plague into the air, and I can't leave my window open because this stupid hippie is collecting rainwater in a 40 gallon drum, which means there's mosquitos everywhere.

But it's $80 a week, and private so I put up with it.

This place has about four other huts, and this super old guy who's just totally neglected. He's had four heart attacks and he's always smoking and coughing like he's just about to die. His skin is brown from filth, and his beard is yellow from smoke and crusted mucous.

Well one day the hippie landlord moves a girl next to me. She just got out of jail. The reason she was in jail, is she tried to commit suicide by setting her last hut on fire. I ask the skumbag landlord for a smoke alarm, which he never buys.

She immediately gets drunk, knocks on my door and throws herself on me, and she's totally not my type. Her tongue's in my mouth and she's got no makeup on, and she's blonde and androgynous, and I'm just going through the motions. So I put my hand on her butt, and she takes it off. She's hard to want, and she's playing hard to get. So I make up every STD in the book, and get out of it.

The next day, I'm woken up by her throwing shit everywhere, she's crying "I can't do it, I tried and I can't!!!", there's two people calming her down, the old dudes bringing up his lung.

I can't breathe, I can't see, there's sawdust everywhere, my roof's opened a portal to another dimension and my rent's due.

I brush all the extra chromosomes out of my teeth, throw everything non-plague infested in my car and haul ass outta there. I find a beautiful motorcamp, and start cooking dinner. I'm finished and I sit down exhausted.

That's when I look down at the passengers side, and see an empty bottle of fish sauce, on a very wet seat...