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RE: The Extraodrdinary Café

in #finishthestory5 years ago

Ooo this works so well, and it does read differently, in your freewrite it came across as a more immersive moment, where as here each line adds another layer to the tension. Matt being Anthony is such a twist!! It is amazing how with a few tweaks, and a slightly different setting it feels like a whole other story to your freewrite.

I know you were probably up against the word count, but i feel like this could have gained a lot from having the story interspersed with Matts reaction what Hecktor says to him, his growing concern, tension. The story you brought from the freewrite is so good, you could par it down to gain words and it would still work just as well. The trick then would be to keep that tension vague, so it could be read at first as him worrying about the girl, and then once the plot came together at the end, that tension would make sense in him hearing his own story. Which we both know you could do no problem ;) That said, this works so very well as it is, as proved by your well deserved curie <3<3

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Thanks for your humble thoughts. They will be kept here for me to draw on in the future should I take up the challenge of expanding this piece.

Thanks for reading a second time. It's nice to know that I was able to change the way you looked at this piece vs. the freewrite on its own.

Than again, I am no expert :p I more just very much hope you do expand this again, and I get to read it in its next form (message me if I somehow miss it when/if you do)

It is a great skill to give the same words a new slant, and to use that slant to tie up the opening here is just even more impressive, and it does work so well.

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