Michael's Sci-Fi Lase-O-Rama: Arena (1991, RCA/Columbia Pictures Home Video)

Source: LDDB.com

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Steve Armstrong (Paul Satterfield) is a down-on-his-luck short order cook working at a space station a million miles away from home. When he was a kid, all he dreamed about was being a professional fighter, and across the galaxy, there's one venue that stands head and shoulders above the rest: The Arena. Arena matches are futuristic gladiatorial combats, where creatures from all different races and species can fight on equal footing, thanks to a computerized Handicapper system that removes any exceptional advantages from the participants in real-time: it de-muscles brawlers who are outlandishly strong, slows down jobbers who move too quickly. No matter how big, how fast, or how many limbs you have, the Handicapper ensures that every fight is as fair as possible.

At least, that's the way it was before Rogor (Marc Alaimo) came to power and turned The Arena into his own personal version of the UFC. Rogor manages the vicious Horn, a seven foot tall mountain of muscle, augmented with bionic limbs, who fights with no sense of honor or respect for his opponents. If you want to be champion, you have to beat Horn, and Rogor has come up with any number of ways to cheat to ensure that never happens.

Unfortunately for Steve, a brawl with a surly patron results in him losing his job and his apartment all in the same night. His four-armed friend Shorty (Hamilton Camp) manages to steal enough money to pay for Steve's one-way ticket home. The money, alas, came straight from one of Rogor's gambling operations, and Rogor is none too happy about it. To earn back the money Shorty stole, Steve signs as a fighter with Quinn (Claudia Christian), a local talent manager for pugilists, and Rogor's direct competitor. Now, as a human, fighting with every disadvantage against opponents whose biology is utterly foreign, Steve has to battle his way to the top to prove he has what it takes to de-throne Horn and become the champion of the...Arena!

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This, right here, is basically a B-movie you could call "Space Rocky". It borrows shamelessly from other, far better, movies and franchises, and re-assembles the parts with a little tweak here, some extra polish there, and comes out an extremely entertaining underdog. You've got all the sci-fi cred you could possibly want with the likes of Claudia Christian in her pre-Babylon 5 days and Armin Shimerman donning full facial prosthetics four years before Deep Space 9. You've got Paul Satterfield, who is certainly fit enough to go the distance two years after his appearance in Creepshow 2. And you've got Frank Welker pulling overtime doing practically every alien voice in the picture, including Horn's gutteral growl that hearkens back to the villainous Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget.

Arena is what every low-budget B-movie should aspire to be. It's full of heart, the costumes and makeup effects are fine for the day, and the variety of opponents Armstrong faces in his bid to become the best are well-animated and a pleasure to look at. The fight choreography is fine, with lots of quick cuts and angle changes to hide the fact the suited-up actors would have a difficult time holding battle scenes for more than a few seconds at a time. And while the script is nothing to write home about, it does its job of getting Steve and his friends from Point A to Point B quickly and without wasting any of its 90 minute run time, which is about all this premise could sustain.

'Disc wise, this is about as bare bones a movie release as you can get: a single two-sided 'disc in CLV format, presented in 1.33:1 pan-and-scan aspect ratio, with "Ultra Stereo" digital and analog audio options that sound better than any VHS tape will, but that's not saying much. Picture quality is fairly murky and darker than it should have been based on my television calibration, but that's what I'd expect from an early-90's release on the RCA label -- these guys were much like Image, in that they produced stuff that was "just good enough" for the low-end/budget market. Given that Arena sold for $35 back in the day, as opposed to the $70+ commanded by high-end productions, that kind of tells you everything you need to know. The Japanese pressing is apparently quite a bit better in regards to picture quality, although it's still a pan-and-scan version of the film, so do yourself a favor and just pick up the DVD from Scream Factory so you can enjoy the widescreen treatment.

What can I say? Arena is tons of fun, does what it sets out to do, and is more entertaining than it has any right to be. Unlike a lot of my other reviews, there's no reason to seek this one out on LaserDisc: no special audio quirks, extra footage, or commentary provided. But it's a cheap pick-up if you're looking to expand your library, and having just celebrated the 30th anniversary of its release last year, you owe it to yourself to give it a spin if you haven't seen it since you were a kid. Arena won't make you want to get up and conquer the world, but it will take your mind off the world we're living in for a good hour and a half, and sometimes you don't need to ask for anything more.

One little thing though: the tagline for this movie is completely wrong. It hasn't been 1,000 years since there was a human champion of the Arena, it's been about fifty. The movie tells us this.

Several times.

Dammit, marketing, you had one job...

Enjoy the trailer, and punch that upvote button like it's Horn and I'm the champion you want to see emerge victorious in the Steemit Arena.