A MUST READ
Nothing he would ever do would make my life change; my life would change, if only I want it to change.
You must never behave as if your life belongs to a man! Your life belongs to you and you alone!
- HALF OF A YELLOW SUN, CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE
I remember when I and my roommate went for an interview in Independent newspaper; we had to wait in the newsroom. One of the journalists was talking to her colleague (a man) about a woman, who died recently. Cause of death? Battery. She decided to endure the constant beating for 23years I think, quiet and accepting everything till her demise. The journalist said her husband has tagged her as a person who tells women to leave their homes, when they are being abused in their marriage, which in a way is encouraging divorce, and the good ole Bible is against that. Her colleague replied saying her husband is right; her advice is in support of divorce, which shouldn’t be so. They started arguing, back and forth about what is right and what’s not. The woman turned to my friend and said “Don’t you ever stay in an abusive relationship, take the first and bold step to leave and run as fast as you can”
I wish many women know about this, I wish so many women who have been abused in their marriage know this simple truth. Well, I think they do but they are always afraid of what the society will tag them as, if they make the first step to leave the house. They think about their children, who they don’t want to grow up in a broken home. They think about the love they have for the man, maybe if they are patient enough, he might change, maybe prayer will solve it, there is nothing God cannot do, and surely He will touch his heart and many other excuses. I know many people might think I’m just talking out of a feminist perspective (ok, maybe). Dear ladies, please don’t stay in an abusive relationship! Remember who you are! Never behave as if your life belongs to him, he doesn’t own you, he is not entitled to treat you the way he likes, don’t be like a dustbin, that accept anything, you are also permitted to enjoy good things.
Some of you will say “Oh he doesn’t touch me” but his words hurt you. His words are sharper than two edged sword, his words has bruised your heart. His words slaps you, toss you around like how the wind blows leaves on the tree. Emotional abuse involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like Intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person in the relationship.
You want to know the signs that you are been emotionally abused? He makes you feel worthless and useless, now you have low esteem. He humiliates you, put you down or make fun of you in front of other people. He regularly demeans or disregards your opinions, ideas, suggestions or needs. He uses sarcasm or teasing to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself. He accuses you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect his abusive remarks. He controls you and treats you like a child. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere. He belittles and trivalise you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams. He tries to make you feel as though he is always right and you are wrong. He regularly point out your flaws, mistakes or shortcomings. And many more.
Don’t think it is normal or you have to endure. No! Seek for help fast! Talk to someone, or an expert in abusive relationships or contact an organisation that can help. And if it is a physical abuse, you can also seek for help, gather evidence of abuse (Take pictures of injuries, destroyed objects or a room that was trashed during a violent episode, keep bloodied clothings or towels and collect any documentation about hospital visits due to abuse).
Establish emergency funds or credit (in case your partner keeps money tightly controlled, withholds money from you or doesn’t allow you to earn your own money, it can be difficult to establish an emergency fund. Keep any change you can keep, hide any money given to you as a gift or find other ways to build some emergency cash). Make an escape plan. Leave when your partner is not around. Make sure you know where you are going to when you leave.
Go for therapy. Then after months of separation, if there is no positive change in your partner’s violent attitude, you can take legal action.
God won’t come down to change him, praying and fasting won’t help, being humble and submissive won’t break him, don’t stay and endure, don’t listen to what people will say, the same people will attend your funeral and only mutter words of how good and kind you were. And what about your children? The children you think you are enduring everything for. The bitter truth is when are six feet deep; another woman will come and take care of them. You would like that right? You know how high, the tendency of them being maltreated is? Just think about that.