LuLu Biggs Ch. 5 Renaldo’s Funeral


Renaldo’s Funeral
LuLu Biggs Ch. 5

Outskirts of Mexico City

Three Days Until Friday Night Clash 14

It was a somber and unusually cloudy day on the outskirts of Mexico City. A light drizzle dotted the dry aired region sprinkling the land that was desperately in need of water. It was as if God himself was weeping and the sky had opened up to bless the massive casket carrying the lifeless body of Renaldo the donkey. The casket had been hitched to LuLu’s and Slick’s diesel powered Mercedes Benz 300D also known as the “Benzito” and was being dragged by them through a cryptic desert graveyard. Behind them was a larger precession of LuLu’s prostitutes driving black sedan. Obviously LuLu had obligated them to pay their respects to the special Christmas burrow who had brought so much joy to the roster of Ultimate Wrestling. As they reached the grave site and the large hole that had been dug into the ground for Renaldo, Biggs pulled his German engineered automobile to the side and shifted it into park before pulling the handbrake to secure the vehicle in place.

Biggs was decked out his full pimptastic gear sporting a flamboyant green suit, massive gold chains, and designer Ray Band sun glasses. Slick was dressed like a sophisticated gentleman in a retro suit he’d purchased from England that had come with a fancy top hat. He was also hiding the tears behind his eyes with a pair of retro 1960’s Ray Band sunglasses. The hookers behind them parked behind them and exited their black sedans along with their pimp daddies and proceeded to the gravesite where the majestic burrow would be soon buried. Slick came around the rear of the Benzito and pulled out two phat recently hand rolled blunts before handing one of them to LuLu. Biggs took the blunt and put it between his lips before Slick Fired up his zippo lighter and lit the hydro stuffed blunt. Biggs took a massive drag of the blunt while Slick lit up his own and exhaled into the air like fire breathing dragon before making eye contact with his best friend.

LuLu Biggs: You ready to pay your respect playah?

Slick Mick: {Sniff} You know it…

LuLu Biggs: Let’s do this then.

Slick and Biggs walked to the head of the grave site in front of their ho’s as some Hispanic graveyard workers unhitched Renaldo’s casket from the Benz. A Mariachi band that seemed to come out of nowhere began to play “Hotel California” by the Eagles as the two pimps started to address all those who had gathered. Many of the prostitutes who knew Renaldo during their time as LuLu’s Clauses personal elf’s during the Christmas holiday had grown misty eyed and a few had begun balling their eyes out. It was as tragic of a scene as it was ludicrous.

Slick Mick: A moment a silence please for our fallen four legged amigo…

After the moment of silence had passed LuLu began to speak.

LuLu Biggs: Renaldo was a hard working donkey who loved bringing joy to the bitches and pimps of the world. Renaldo who loved pulling LuLu Clauses sleigh… Renaldo who loved us all… and you took him Lord! You let the snake man take him! However, Renaldo will not be forgotten and he will not go unavenged! This I swear to you Renaldo! The snake man will pay for what he did to you!

As LuLu spoke to his strange audience the workers loaded Renaldo’s massive casket into the ground with a large crane. Slick Mick pulled out a large bottle of Hennessy and began to pour one out all over the coffin as the prostitutes began to hysterically cry knowing full well that this was the last goodbye. Slick and LuLu hugged each other before grabbing the two shovels that had been placed near the grave for them. With a deep breath and steady hands, they began tossing the customary first clumps of desert dirt unto the casket.

Scene fades to black.

Ashes to ashes…. Dust to dust playah…

Downtown Mexico City

24 hours until Friday Night Clash 14

Slick Mick stood in an alleyway filled with graffiti in downtown Mexico city holding his smart phone up ready to record a video that would later be posted on Me.Tube, Squaker, and all other major social media platforms Ultimate Wrestling was affiliated with. LuLu Biggs stood leaned up against a wall painted with evil looking sugar skulls and spray painted with cartel gang signs and tags while waiting for his partner to give him the signal that he was actively recording. It was clear Biggs had a lot of on his mind a great deal to get off his chest and he wanted to do it personally with a direct video message to all his fans and the followers of Ultimate Wrestling. It been years since Biggs had cut an old school wrestling promo video, not since his sumo days in Tokyo, but he felt like he had to be straight up with Evolution and Metamorphosis after they’d killed his special Christmas donkey and disrespected him.

Slick Mick: You sure you want to do this?

LuLu Biggs: Damn sure motha fuckah! Now hit record on the mother fucker so we can do this!

Slick Mick: Ok…3. 2. 1. Go!

Biggs walked away from the alleyway wall and moved into full view of the camera before lighting up a large blunt. The massive imposing figure took a long drag and then exhaled the smoke out his nostrils before launching into a tirade about his opponents for the next show. In the old day’s wrestlers use to cut promo’s trash talking their opponents on camera to help boost ticket sales and draw in a bigger crowd, but this beef was real. This was personal…

LuLu Biggs: Evolution! You bitch ass, punk ass, donkey murdering piece of shit! You walked into Ultimate Wrestling like you were hot shit because you took out the legendary Kronin Reinhardt in your first match! Ever since then you’ve been walking around backstage acting like you’re untouchable! Throwing your weight around and hurting people left and right! Well I got a news flash for you snake man! You ain’t untouchable and when you step into the ring with me and Huckleberry this week for Friday Night Clash 14, nothing you or your butt buddy Metamorphosis do is going stop me from whooping your big dumb ass all over the ring!

Slick Mick: Tell’em wassup LuLu! Tell’em Wassup!

LuLu Biggs: Renaldo was an innocent animal with a heart of gold! You snuffed him out like he was nothing more than an insect just to piss off Mr. Mudcock! Well listen up really good snake man because LuLu Biggs is coming for you and I plan on using all 600 pounds of my fat ass to crush the living shit out of you! When I’m through with you and your tag team partner Metamorphosis you two won’t be nothing more than flat pancaked smears on the wrestling mat! I got a new special move with your name written all over it bitch, and once I deploy it you’ll never be the same man let alone wrestler ever again!

Slick Mick: Oh shit! Oh shit! Tell’em how it is son! Tell’em how it’s gonna be!

LuLu Biggs: For once in my life Karma is on my side! You’ve been running around this place spreading pain and hate since you got to Ultimate Wrestling! Now you’re going to get some of that in return from Huckleberry and I! Kronin, Renaldo, shit even your former tag team partner Raven will all be avenged thanks to us and the Ultimate Wrestling Tag Team Championship belts will be coming home with us!

Slick Mick: Ooooooooh! Snap mother fucker! Snap!

Slick flipped his smart phone around and pointed toward his face and began shouting into the phone like a crazy person. It was clear LuLu’s machismo had fired him up and he was ready to spit some hot fire toward Evolution himself.

Slick Mick: You just got told snake man! We coming for your ass! Hahahahaha!

Slick pushed the record button to end the video and the two pimps walked out of the alleyway psyched up and ready for the big title match they’d be taking part in the following night. Only time would tell if Renaldo the Christmas donkey’s death would be avenged and if LuLu and Huckleberry would be victorious. While the promo video was over, a new night of debauchery and shenanigans was just starting from Slick and Biggs. Though they were still grieving for Renaldo, they knew they had to honor his memory with a night smoking, drinking, and mad bitches and that was exactly what they were going do…

To be continued on Friday Night Clash 14