Old magician incoherent thoughts - Short story

In the moment, it all hit me with enormous power. The scent of old books ordered in the shelves, on the old and friable chair and all over floor, there was only little space left so I can move through them. That specific scent was caring a lot of memories which have been accumulated in my mind during these centuries of my being. When I came here first time after Academy, this room had only one desk and even older chair. In one point of view all knowledge that is contained in my mind is also well hidden in my books.

I never had time for apprentice... actually I had time, just not passion for that kind of thing. Maybe that was a biggest mistake of my life. Although there are probably other magicians who certainly deserve to pass on them knowledge in all those old pages, I do not want to do it. None of them deserved them in the same way as I did or if there is one who deserves all lives in our kingdom. All these decades and centuries, how long my life lasted, I did not allow the trace of my discoveries to move beyond the walls of my room. Not because I am selfish, but because the magicians that exist in our time are not worth the discoveries, nor are they able to comprehend the universal good that can come out of the application of my magic. Our gild is not ready to put it in the service of the great good. I do not even know when it will be ready. Magicians were always hermits, early in childhood rejected by their environment because of their diversity, had no other choice.

It is sometimes difficult, although centuries old, to forget all of this torture and humiliation, to forget that rejection and forgive mankind. Even today, in a civilized society in the remote and wild parts of the continent, the magicians are hunted and closed like animals. Ordinary people are afraid to lose control of their lives, as if they now have any control.

There was never time to complete my experiment from my youth. A great idea, one that might have been a milestone. Discovering young people with a magic spark before it mature enough in them, and as it always was, by dozens of people killed by the unfortunate manifestation of that magic. I need for that many years, but I feel that my life is approaching its end. My mind has always been a curse and a blessing, too many ideas and too little time. I have succeeded in many things and every step of every experiment is clearly remembered, the flow of time did not hide my memory from me. Not the memory and my mind, but it's my heart. Although I do not see the end of my life completely clear, the dusk is near and I do not resist it, but my heart is blocked. It's blocked because there is no one who will use my discovery for greater good, also because there is no magician who can figure out my codes. And they are crucial to the interpretation of my books. I know it is clear that there is no such mind here in our remote part of the world, because occasionally I have kept lesions to all of them. Even when they break the code, they will spend decades trying to understand the systems of functioning and application. In addition to all this, I do not complain, if they want to know more, they will try harder.

The treatment of the diseases that rule and kill this world has always been my fascination. Unfortunately, I did not manage to figure out a lot in this field, even though I tried. I watched many people suffer, die in great agony, and no one could help them. The only success in the field I had was during the Big Plague 124 years ago. The overall balance of deaths was over three million people, almost a third of the population. Then I saved over 50 000 thousand people in the West Province. The trouble was that it was the time of the rebellion, I worked through day and night, weeks without a sleep, and I could not write it all down or remember it. I have invested all my will to help, I do not know much about how I did it. Another thing I'm sorry for.

Oh, and about fighting magic. Every nobleman and every king who ruled came for combat inventions. And I refused every one of them without exception, but it's not the end of story.

These are thoughts for another day. Now I need a dream and a break, so that I can complete what I started.

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