(NSFW -vulgarity)

My girlfriend's sister is one of those chicks that believe in demons and guardian angels and such. Over the last year or so, she has gone even more batshit. She thinks there is a shadowman, or shadow people, or a shadow hat stalking her; I never pay too much attention to what she says in the first place. I just assume it's her weed dealer stalking her, and she is too stoned to know the difference. I make it a habit to ignore potheads and whatever they babble on about at any given time, and I guarantee that has saved me a great deal of mental anguish.

But I can't ignore when she huddles with her sister all night, and keeps me from playing hide the sausage. She claims her sister is spiritually pure and an angel or guardian or whatever. While I laugh uproariously at the idea that my girlfriend is pure...I know damn well what she gets up to ;> ...I also can't ignore that my girl would drop me pretty damn fast if I punted her sister back to her pot-stinking apartment and her paranoid trips.

Source - Wikimedia Commons

So the next time I hear the sister bewailing her excess of toking and the little goblins she inhales, I jump into the conversation; I listen just enough to key in on tonight's villain..the Hat Man. Ooooooh, scary. A ghost with a hat. Wonder how many joints it took her to cook THAT one up.

"Listen, Little Sister, bring that ghost over here, and I'll kick the shit out him for you."

She gives me the look you usually reserve for people that piss themselves in public and democrat voters...
"You can't, he is a Shadow Person...he exists on hate"

My girl jumps in at this,
"In that case they will probably go have a beer together"

My girl is under the silly delusion that I am a hateful person, which is absolute nonsense. I may get a little critical of stupid and/or weak people from time to time, and I have been known to defend myself physically from people from time to time, but I am a fountain of human love.

"Just bring Mr. Ghost over here, and I'll choke him til his eyes pop out, godamnit"

She frowns and says she is going to see her shaman (cough cough, dealer), and I get to catch up on our case of lackanookie. I leave my girl happily sleeping, and I head to the workstation to finish up a little work. I process intel (cough cough, pick targets) for a security company that protects clients from terrorists, mafiaso, and little girls selling Girl Scout cookies.

I get a couple of cases done, and then get a call from the Weepy Pothead. She is all happy I have taken the burden, blah blah...if I let her yap, she will never shut up. "Oh, I gotta go Lil Sister, I just got gut punched and have to take a massive -" CLICK. She has hung up on me, which is good because she whines to my girl for weeks when I hang up on her!

A coupla cases later, and some movement on my security monitor catches my eye. You would be surprised how a happy go lucky guy like me may have developed some critics.

And there, sure as shit, looking directly at my hidden cam, is some asshole in a snap brim hat and what may be a trench coat; it's hard to see because it is raining a bit. I do not like assholes that stand in my yard eyeballing me through my security cam. I got out the Family Heirloom, and went out to give the asshole a trespassing warning.

The Family Heirloom has been with us since great-great grandad swiped it from the Corps and brought it back from Germany in WW One. It's a Model 97 Trench Gun, which has gone through various replacement parts over the years, but always kept in good condition. Great grandad took to the Pacific, where he fixed the bayonet lug to take a Jap bayonet. The family legend has it that Great grandad had the idea idea that once you stuck a Jap with the bayonet, you wouldn't miss with the buckshot. Grandad took it to Vietnam. I hope Dad didn't use it, since Dad didn't follow the family tradition of joining the Marine corps, but instead took service with another famiglia, if you capiche. The modern version of that business wasn't like the movies Dad watched, and Dad didn't last long. I didn't take it to the sandbox, because some whiny middleclass douchebag officer would have confiscated it.

I meant to give the trespass warning via bayonet, since it looked like the backstop for buckshot would be my neighbor's window. The asshole with the hat wasn't where he was when I first saw him, so I looked for him a while. I couldn't find him, so I went back in.

And there was the asshole, standing in my workroom. The light was weird and his hat and longcoat looked off, I didn't try to think of how he got in, I was that pissed. I just ran the bayonet through his throat...or so I thought. I must have missed, but that left me a good shot for a buttstroke, so I gave him a shot in the head. Now I know damn well I hit him that time, but it went through his head and hat...like they were made of shadow. I recovered to guard, and the Shadow Asshole smiled in contempt at me. Fuck you pal. I angled so I wouldn't hit anything important in the walls and gave him two rounds of 00. Nothing but a bunch of holes in the wall.

Maybe Little Sister wasn't as high as I thought. But there is nothing I hate so much as an asshole that won't die when I kill him. I gently put the trench gun down, keeping my eyes on him. He just looked at me with those hate-filled eyes.

"So you want to play hate, huh?"

I jumped over and grabbed him by his asshole throat. His eyes opened first in shock and then in fear.

"You're on MY court now, asshole" I yell in his face as I spit my own hate back into his eyes and choked harder and harder.

I filled up those eyes with my own hate until they popped and I felt his throat buckle under my fingers. I was trying to figure out how to scalp him when he kind of dissipated.

Maybe the Babe is right, and I do hate a little too much. Enh, works for me.

Little Sister never had a problem with Shadow Assholes again, but a few months later she started whining that some creepy kids with black eyes were standing on her porch all the time, and that she was afraid of them...well OF COURSE the little shitbirds were going to get punched in the face if they went around staring at folks. I told her I'd come over and give the fuckers a REAL black eye if they didn't fuck off.

Source - Wikimedia Commons

The End

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