UPDATE TO TSA REGULATIONS: Starting December 2017 (SATIRE)

Update To TSA Regulation 733.218 Section K

Beginning in December, 2017

Any and all travel tissues with cute prints on them will be subject to thorough inspection in one of our secret dungeons.    

All travelers who have a first name that starts with the letter “T” will have to do a cartwheel and have their cheeks swabbed before passing the inspection zone.    

If any TSA officer suspects a traveler of having too much caffeine in their system, the traveler will be scolded harshly.  The traveler will also need to pass a sobriety test before being allowed to board any airplane, unless they’re traveling to Shanghai.

No crying babies will be allowed to travel on any holiday.

We will now be allowing bottled water between the sizes of 3-8 ounces, unopened, chilled, and bottled by Coca-Cola.

Hand sanitizer is banned from all flights to and from Venezuela, except on Thursdays.

Anyone making jokes about Bill Clinton will be bodyslammed and tazed.    

All travelers are now required to sign a waiver which allows their electronic data to be analyzed, copied, sold, plagiarized, and/or erased by any government employee anywhere in the world, except on Sunday nights in Zimbabwe.    

All wheelchairs will be dismantled and inspected by TSA personnel.  If our personnel cannot reassemble it correctly before your flight, then tough luck.

We reserve the right to follow or not follow these regulations at any time and in any universe, according to the satanic, morally relativistic whims of our order-following, mind-controlled employees.    

Thanks for your time and attention!