NIP THE CAT - Original Fiction - Episode 3

Dialogue with deadpan zip as Nip deals with his human companions. 

Scene 1  

Rich is standing proud and admiring his shiny new “Smartfridge”.  Nip is lounging on the nearby countertop.    

Rich:  Well, there it is, Nip! Top of the line, and these things aren’t even on the market yet!   

Nip (aloof):  I don’t see why you’re so thrilled about a big empty box.  Now when it’s full of food, let me know, then I’ll get excited.    

Rizzo struts in through the front door unannounced.

Rizzo:  Hey Rich! I saw the delivery truck outside.    
Nip (wiggles whiskers smugly):  And decided to be nosey.    

Rich:  Yep, I got a new smartfridge!
Rizzo:  How can you afford that?

Rich:  I can’t.    
Rizzo (confused):  So the delivery guys stole it for you?   

Rich:  It’s an experimental product from work.  I volunteered to test it out, so I got it for free!
Nip:  Hope you read the fine print.

Rizzo:  So what’s so experimental about it?   
Rich:  I dunno…..they wouldn’t tell me.

Nip:  Guess we’ll find out the hard way.
Rich:  By the way, where have you been? This is the first time you’ve barged in this week.    

Rizzo:  I’ve been locked in my lair testing out a new VR game.    
Rich:  Oh yeah? What game?

Rizzo:  It’s a role-playing game called "Robin Hood:  Galactic Edition".  It's basically a role-playing game, where the player is a high-tech Robin Hood, but in space.  It's awesome! I really get a good feeling from helping people, ya know?

Nip:  Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Robin Hood steal?

Rich (sarcastic):  Instead of helping people in real life.  How quaint.    
Rizzo:  It’s addictive! I’ve already helped feed over a thousand people! From all over the universe!

Nip:  And yet, ironically, you always show up here empty handed.    

Rich gets a text alert on his phone.  He glances at the message from his new friend, Asha.

Entrepreneur meet-up at my place tonight.  Wanna come? 

Rich raises sharp brow, grins ear to ear.    

Rizzo:  I know that look.    
Rich:  Asha just invited me to a meet-up at her place.    

Another alert comes in from the phone:

PLEASE DON’T TELL RIZZO   

Rich’s eyes dart between Rizzo and his phone.

Rizzo:  Too bad I can’t go.    
Rich (eyes bulging, sarcastic):  Yep, that’s too bad.    

Scene 2

Rich arrives at Asha’s handsomely decorated house in the hills.    

Asha (at front door, smiling):  Hey Rich! Come on in!

Rich walks in and gawks around with amazement.    

Asha:  You find the place ok?
Rich:  Yep, the directions were perfect.  I couldn’t find it on the GPS, though.    

Asha:  That’s because I have GPS blockers.    
Rich:  What?

Asha:  Devices that block GPS trackers.    
Rich:  Why would you do that?

Asha:  Privacy and security, which go hand in hand, ya know? (gets distracted by someone approaching them) Speaking of which, here’s the guy that helped make that happen! (waves guy over) Hey Vin!

Vin: Hey Asha.  Hey new guy.    
Asha:  This is Rich.  I was just telling him about your GPS blockers.    

Rich:  Yeah, man, those sound so cool.  But….are they legal?

Asha and Vin look at each other and crack up.    

Vin:  Of course it’s “legal”, man! It doesn’t harm anyone, so it’s ok.  And what’s your main line of work, man?
Rich:  I’m an accountant.    

Vin:  For who?
Rich:  Uh, well, it’s kind of secret.  I can’t really say.   Sorry.    

Asha:  Oooo, mysterious….It’s not the mob, is it?
Rich:  No, not the mob.  All I can tell you is that the company I work for does a lot of government contracting.    

Vin:  So you do work for the mob, albeit indirectly.    

Rich gets confused look on face.    

Scene 3

Nip is sprawled out, snoozing on the living room floor.  He’s awoken by buzzing noises from outside.    

Nip (startled):  At the rate I’m going, I’ll never get my full 18 hours sleep today.   

Walks to window by the front door of house.  Leaps onto windowsill to investigate the noise.    

Nip:  I don’t know what those are, but I blame Rizzo.    

Suddenly, the front door opens and delivery drones start streaming into the house and dropping off packages.    

Nip (casual):  Well, the door’s open, so I might as well head out.    

Rizzo suddenly shows up, ducking under drones as he steps in through the front door.    

Rizzo (awestruck):  The robot apocalypse is upon us!

Nip:  I hate to say it, but Rizzo might be correct.  Hmmmm…..interesting…..something Rizzo has in common with a broken clock.  He’s right twice a day.  I wonder if that’s true for all broken humans?

Rizzo crawls over to get a closer look at the packages.    

Rizzo (reading packages):  All these are from GoogAppleZon? I didn’t know Rich was so rich.  He’s been holding out on me!

Rizzo starts to open one of the packages.  Nip waltzes over and gives him a disapproving look.

Nip:  What are you doing? You don’t live here! That’s not your property! Cease and desist at once!

Rizzo (peering into package):  Milk and cat food? Why the hell would….?

Nip (apologetic tone):  So go ahead and open that milk just a tad, if ya don’t mind.  Then I’ll go back to scolding you.   

Scene 4 

Back at Asha’s place, Rich is proudly telling Asha and Vin about his new experimental Smartfridge.    

Asha:  That’s cool, but, what kind of privacy settings does it have?
Rich:  No clue.    

Vin:  And who makes it?
Rich:  Well, the company I work for.

Asha:  That you can’t name.    
Rich:  Yep.    

Vin:  And you signed a contract without reading it?
Rich:  Well…..I sorta skimmed it.  The parts that weren’t fine print, anyway.    

Asha and Vin wrinkle noses and share a glance of uncertainty.  Rich gets another text alert in all caps:

DUDE, LIKE A MILLION PACKAGES JUST GOT DELIVERED TO YOUR HOUSE!   

Rich’s face drops.  He excuses himself and calls Rizzo.

Rizzo:  Man, an army of drones just finished playing Santa Claus at your place! You win the lottery, man?   
Rich (nervous, confused):  What?! No.  I swear, if this is a prank….

Rizzo:  No, man! I wouldn’t joke about something this awesome.   
Rich:  I’ll be there ASAP!   

Rich goes to Asha and Vin, apologizes hurriedly, and scurries out.    

Scene 5

Rich walks into the aftermath of the drone flurry.  Nip is diligently lapping up milk from the floor.  Rizzo is munching chips on the couch. There is a stack of packages about 5 high and 10 deep between the kitchen and living room.    

Rich (flabbergasted):  What the hell is going on?!
Rizzo (nonchalant):  You tell me, man.  It’s your place and your stuff.    

Nip:  Can we open more packages and see if there’s more milk? I’d help, but….ya know, no opposable thumbs.
Rich:  It’s not my stuff! I didn’t order all this crap!

Rizzo:  But you’re gonna keep it, right? 

Rich:  No! What the hell is wrong with you?
Nip:  That’s a very complex question that would require many psychological teams.    

Scene 6

The following day, Rich is at the office complex where he works.  He’s just entered the HR department.    

HR Lady:  Can I help you?
Rich:  I hope so.  It’s about that experimental Smartfridge trial I volunteered for.    

HR Lady:  That’s not my department.  You’ll have to go to RnD for that.    
Rich:  But I signed it here, in the HR office, remember?

HR Lady:  Not really.    
Rich:  Well, can’t you help me in any way?   

HR Lady:  Can you tell me what the problem is exactly?   

Rich:  Well, I dunno, I left my place for a while after the Smartfridge was set up, and then a drone army started delivering stuff I didn’t order! I checked my credit cards and they’re all maxed out!

HR Lady:  Well, what did you expect?
Rich:  I dunno, maybe a fridge that doesn’t bankrupt me?

HR Lady:  You read the contract, right?
Rich (gulps):  Uh, well, I skimmed it, kinda.    

HR Lady (hands on hips):  Well, you’ll have to beg someone at RnD to get out of it.  I can’t help you.    
Rich:  What did the contract say exactly? What’s the experiment?   

HR Lady (baffled):  You don’t even know that?! Let me ask you this.  What was in the packages?
Rich:  Oddly enough, it’s just cat food, milk, balls of yarn, cat nip, and some cat fountains.    

HR Lady:  And what does that tell you?
Rich:  That my cat knows how to work a smartfridge and I don’t.    

HR Lady:  No, afraid not.  The fridge is reading your cat’s mind and taking actions based on your cat’s thoughts.    
Rich:  Why the hell would anyone want to read a cat’s mind?

HR Lady:  I can’t tell ya that.  You’ll need to talk to whatever creep over in RnD dreamed it up.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go.    

Rich:  Any parting advice? I’m desperate.    
HR Lady:  I dunno, teach your cat to think about people food.    

Thanks for your time and attention!

Just say "NO" to slavery!

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