NERD SQUAD - Episode 3

In this episode, Hubert uncovers what his handlers believe is a conspiracy of epic proportions.

In the previous episode of Nerd Squad, Hubert completed his mission by stealing old Mr. Puddleston’s data from his computer.  In Puddleston’s data, a new target was found.  Now his FBI handler, Mr. Clapper, has a new mission in mind.

Scene 1

Back at Nerd Squad headquarters inside Fried Electronics department store…..Hubert walks in and finds Mr. Clapper waiting for him, nonchalantly twirling in a puffy office chair.

Mr. Clapper:  Hey Hubert.  Nice striped shirt! Wow, I didn’t think it was possible, but it actually makes you look skinnier.

Hubert (looking at himself in self-conscious manner):  Well, what do you want, that I dress in all black like a cat burglar or something?

Mr. Clapper:  Not criticizing, just analyzing.    
Hubert:  You’re here awfully early.  Where’s Berry?

Berry’s voice comes from his personal office in back, with the door shut….

Berry (shouting):  I’m in here, guzzling coffee, eavesdropping, and wondering where my life went wrong!
Mr. Clapper (shouting back):  I thought you said you couldn’t hear from in there!

Berry:  You bought that?! You’re not very good at your job!

Mr. Clapper (turns back to Hubert):  Ok, kid.  Here’s your next assignment.  We found a guy on Puddleston’s email list that we want you to get at.  His name is Mohamed Jones.    

Hubert:  So what did he do?
Mr. Clapper:  Well, he’s Muslim.

Hubert:  And?
Mr. Clapper:  Do you need another reason?

Berry (yelling behind his door):  I’m scared of Muslims!
Mr. Clapper:  The tricky part is, he’s never been a customer here.

Hubert:  So how the hell am I supposed to get into his house?
Mr. Clapper:  You’re reasonably smart.  Can’t you infect his computer with a virus or something?

Berry:  Don’t overestimate him!

Melinda and Billy walk into the picture. 

Mr. Clapper:  You two aren’t privy to this conversation, so I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.
Melinda (groggy):  I work here, unfortunately.  You don’t.

Berry (yelling):  It’s ok, you guys come in here and eavesdrop with me!
Hubert (exclamatory):  Wait, I got it! Melinda can do it!   

Melinda:  I’m not doing anything that you think is a good idea.    
Billy:  I don’t blame you.

Mr. Clapper:  No way, kid.    
Hubert:  Why not?

Clapper:  Cuz she’s not on the payroll.
Hubert:  So put her on the payroll!

Melinda:  I’m listening.
Clapper:  You guys gotta go.

Melinda:  I’m declaring myself privy to this conversation.  What am I getting paid for?
Clapper:  You’re not!

Berry (comes out of office):  Spying on a Muslim.  You gotta somehow get Hubert into his house in a quasi-legitimate way.
Billy:  A Muslim? That’s simple, just show him some ankle, Melinda.    

Clapper (scribbling furiously on notepad, then rips sheet off and hands to Hubert):  Here’s his address and all the info you need, kid.  I’m leaving it in your hands. (flustered)  If you screw this up, there’ll be consequences!

Clapper leaves the building hastily.

Melinda:  So I want a 60 percent cut.
Hubert:  I’m perfectly capable of doing this alone.  And why 60? It should be 50/50.

Berry:  Hey, if you’re doing this on company time, I’m gonna need at least 20 percent.    
Hubert (flustered):  What? No, I’ll do it on my own time.    

Billy (laughing):  You’re just gonna show up at some random dude’s house and convince him to let you in.  Not only let you in, but get onto his personal computer?   

Hubert (proud, defiant):  Yep! 

Billy:  Great, I’ll start the office pool right now.  This is gonna be epic!
Berry:  Hey, while you’re at it, Billy, run across the street to Happy’s Bar and see if the staff wants in!

5 minutes later……Hubert is sitting in his old Toyota Tercel, unsure what to do.

Hubert:  Hmmm, maybe I’ll try calling first, rather than in person.  (looks at phone, takes deep breath, dials number)

Phone ringing…..

Mohamed:  Hello?
Hubert (nervous, fumbling for words):  Hi, you don’t have an accent.

Mohamed:  Who is this?
Hubert:  Oh, um, this is Hubert from Fried Electronics Nerd Squad.  We’re offering free computer tune-ups.

Mohamed:  I hate Fried Electronics.  Don’t call again. (click)
Hubert (sweating):  Glad that wasn’t in person.

5 minutes later…Hubert walks back into the office…..

Billy (sarcastic):  Hubert! Epically astonished to see you back so soon!
Melinda:  I should raise my cut to 70.

Hubert:  Ok, ok, 60 percent, and you can’t tell Clapper.  Deal?
Melinda:  Deal. You get paid 500, right?
Hubert:  Yep.

Melinda:  What’s 60 percent of 500?
Billy:  More than you make here in a week.

Berry:  I still want my 20 percent, too.
Hubert:  So I’m risking my neck and make the same amount as you, Berry? How is that fair?

Berry (nonchalant, uncaring):  It’s not.

Scene 2

Melinda is approaching Mohamed’s modest, well-maintained house in the suburbs.  She’s dressed to impress.  Hubert is waiting in his Tercel around the corner.  Melinda knocks at front door. 

Mohamed (pleasant, smiling):  Can I help you?
Melinda:  Hi, I’m from Computers-R-Us.  We’re offering a free computer check-up and free maintenance for six months.    

Mohamed:  Sure, sounds great! Come on in!
Melinda: What's your name?

Mohamed:  Mohamed Jones.

Melinda:  I’ll send someone over right away.

Mohamed frowns as Melinda walks away.    

2 minutes later, Hubert is knocking on the door….

Mohamed:  Can I help you?
Hubert:  I’m Hubert, from Computers-R-Us.

Mohamed:  What happened to the girl?
Hubert:  She’s just in sales.  I’m the tech guy.

Mohamed:  Bummer. (rolls eyes) Come in, I guess.

As they walk through the house, Hubert notices a handsome, fully stocked gun rack.  He also sees some bacon strips on the kitchen table.    

Hubert:  I thought Muslims don’t eat pork.
Mohamed (surprised):  What makes you think I’m Muslim?

Hubert (grasping for words):  Oh, I dunno.  Just, ya know.
Mohamed:  Because of my name?

Hubert:  Maybe.
Mohamed:  I’m not Muslim, and I’ve never even visited a so-called Muslim country.  (gestures to the desk and computer) Have a seat.    

Hubert sits.  Mohamed stares at him.
Hubert:  Could I have some water?   

Mohamed (suspicious):  I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone.  You can come with me to the kitchen if you want.

Hubert:  On second thought, this will only take a few minutes.  I’ll be ok.  (digs out cell phone from pocket) Gotta contact work real quick.    

Hubert sends a text to Melinda and asks for her to come knock again.  A few minutes later, a loud bang on the door. 

 Mohamed:  I’ll be back, fast.  And I have a ton of hidden cameras.

Mohamed opens front door.

Melinda:  Hey, sorry, me again.  I got a flat tire, can you help me real quick? My car is a just around the corner.
Mohamed:  I suppose I could take a look.   

Hubert takes the opportunity to copy Mohamed’s hard drive.  Mohamed returns.

Hubert: All finished up!
Mohamed:  Your sales girl’s car got stolen.

Hubert (feigning shock):  Oh no!
Mohamed:  She’s outside crying.

Hubert:  Ok, well, I’d better get going.  Your computer is in tip-top shape.    
Mohamed:  Where is your store located?

Hubert: Um, downtown.  I’ll email you.
Mohamed:  Do you need my email address?

Hubert:  Nope, already got it.
Mohamed:  I didn’t give it to you.

Hubert (shaky, nervous):  Ya didn’t? Well, then, I’d better get it.
Mohamed (suspicious):  On second thought, let me get your contact info as well.

They swap contact info. Hubert leaves.

Scene 3

The next day at Nerd Squad headquarters in Fried Electronics…...

Melinda:  So Hubert gave him his real name and contact info.
Billy (laughing):  This surprises you?

Melinda:  It does, but it shouldn’t.
Berry:  Where is that little pip-squeak, anyway?

Melinda:  Hopefully collecting our money.

Scene 4 

Hubert is talking with Clapper at a park.

Clapper (laughing):  You gave him your real name?
Hubert:  Is that a problem?

Clapper:  For you, it might be.  Not for me, that’s why I’m laughing.
Hubert:  So when’s my next assignment?

Clapper:  After we dig through this Muslim guy’s data, we’ll find someone for ya.
Hubert:  He’s not even Muslim, ya know.

Clapper (paranoid, looking over shoulder):  That’s what he’d like us to think.

Scene 5

The next day, Clapper is in the office of his boss, Mr. Prick, at FBI headquarters.

Mr. Prick (pacing around anxiously):  Wow, a Muslim with guns, a garden, and has contact with an anarchist.
Clapper (shaking head):  What is this world coming to, sir?

Mr. Prick (slams fist on desk, dark red face):  Damnit, Clapper, isn’t it obvious?! It’s a damn Anarcho-Muslim Gun And Garden Network!      

Clapper (scratching chin thoughtfully):  Hmmmm, that’s a hell of an acronym, sir!  AMGAGN. It’s just so crazy, it might be right!

Mr. Prick (hands on hips):  Damnit, clapper, of course it’s right! I thought of it, didn’t I?
Clapper:  I can’t argue with that flawless logic, sir.  The question is, what do we do now?

Mr. Prick:  You send the kid after this anarchist girl, that’s what! She’ll lead us up the ladder to the AMGAGN leadership!
Clapper:  Are you sure you want to use such an incompetent asset on a high value target, sir?

Mr. Prick (slams hand on desk again):  Damnit, Clapper! Of course!  The more incompetent, the more plausible deniability he gives us.  We need results, Clapper! Now get on it!

Clapper (standing and saluting):  Yes, sir! 

Stay tuned for episode 4!

Thanks for your time and attention!

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Top image is from flickr