NERD SQUAD - Episode 14

Hubert gets a twinge of conscience, while Clapper's paranoid plot thickens.

Scene 1

Hubert is knocking on Sophia’s door.

Sophia (sad):  Hey, Hubert.
Hubert:  Hey.  Did I come at a bad time?

Sophia:  Nah, it’s fine.  Come on in.   

They walk in and sit on the sofa.   

Hubert:  So whatsup?
Sophia:  My sister has banned me from speaking to my nephew…..again.

Hubert:  I can relate.
Sophia:  You can?

Hubert:  Sure, I get banned from places sometimes.    
Sophia (raised eyebrows):  Right….Anyway, I’ve been trying to convince my nephew to drop out of school.    

Hubert (surprised):  Really? Why would you do that?
Sophia:  Cuz school is like a prison for young people.  All they do is get trained into habits and behaviors by social engineers.    I just don’t want my nephew to get hurt anymore.

Hubert:  Well, you finished school, didn’t you? And you didn’t turn out so terribly bad, right?
Sophia:  Gee, thanks.

Hubert:  I mean better than terrible.
Sophia:  Remove foot from mouth now…..but yeah, I get what you’re trying to say.  I didn’t finish school, though.  I dropped out when I was 16.

Sophia’s phone gives an alert.

Sophia (looks at message excitedly):  I gotta run, Hubert.  I’ll explain later.    

Scene 2

Sophia is approaching a scene of a car accident in a quiet suburban neighborhood.  2 guys are waiting next to their cars, still inspecting damage.  Sophia approaches.

Sophia:  You guys called for an arbitrator on the Voluntary Arbitration app? 

Guy 1:  He did.  I reluctantly agreed.  I figure it’s better than getting careless cops and insurance claws involved.    

Sophia:  Ok, before we start, with your permission, I’ll start recording on my phone.    

After an hour of listening to both their stories, estimating the damage, searching for witnesses in nearby houses, and negotiating what both feel would be a fair settlement, Sophia gives her decision.

Sophia:  So that’s it guys.  You both have 24 hours to voluntarily accept the terms to this dispute resolution.  If you decide not to accept the terms, you won’t be charged.      

Scene 3

Billy is having a meeting with FBI agent Richard Clapper in a Toys R’ Us parking lot.

Billy:  This is your idea of a clandestine meeting spot?
Clapper:  Sure! Who would suspect two rough and tumble FBI dudes like us meeting here.  It’s the perfect cover!

Billy:  The more you talk, the less I want anything to do with you.    
Clapper:  I’m doubling your salary.

Billy:  I should insult you more often. What gives?
Clapper:  Have you noticed Hubert acting a little weird lately?

Billy:  You mean the Hubert I work with at Nerd Squad?
Clapper:  Of course.  How many Huberts do you know? (gasps) Does Hubert have a body double?   

Billy:  Your extreme paranoid delusions lead me to believe that you have very innovative ways to beat psychological testing.    
Clapper:  You’ve got a lot to learn, kid.  Everybody at the FBI is delusional.    

Billy gives sideways glance.

Clapper:  Anyway, about Hubert.  He hasn’t been feeding us too much info about his neighbor Sophia lately.  Not only that, but if I didn’t know better, I’d think that he’s trying to avoid me!

Billy (sighs deeply):  I can’t imagine why anyone would try to avoid you.  So what are you getting at?
Clapper:  I want you to spy on Hubert, and make sure he hasn’t gone rogue.    

Billy:  Why not Melinda?
Clapper:  I thought about that, but if she started showing interest in him, it might get him suspicious. 

Billy:  Yes, I too find it suspicious when a female has interest in Hubert.    
Clapper:  So you’ll do it?

Billy:  One one condition.  I choose the meeting place next time.

Scene 4

The next day at Nerd Squad headquarters in Fried Electronics store….

Melinda:  What were you thinking?
Billy:  What do you mean?

Melinda:  You’re sacrificing countless hours to watch Hubert? I don’t care how much they pay me, I’d never do that.  Can you think of anything more boring, demeaning, or disgusting to do with your time?

Billy:  Hmmm, I didn’t really think this through, I guess.    
Melinda:  Obviously.  I mean, your life is pathetic enough without….

Billy cuts her off.

Billy:  Ok, you’ve made your point very clear.  (stares at wall thoughtfully) There’s gotta be a way to do this without losing what little dignity I have left.   

Melinda:  Doubtful.

A while later, Hubert comes back into the office, fresh off a service job.

Berry (shouting from his private office):  Hey Hubert! How’d it go at the Rudiski house this time?!
Hubert:  The usual!

Berry:  Kids used peanut butter again?!
Hubert:  Yep! And jelly! And other foods I couldn’t distinguish!

Berry:  You salvage it?!
Hubert:  Not even close! Computer hardware isn't 3-year-old chef resistant yet! I gave her a coupon! She said she’ll be in tomorrow!

Hubert walks over to his desk near Melinda and Billy.

Billy:  Hubert, can I borrow your phone?
Hubert:  Um, I guess.  What’s wrong with yours?

Billy:  Long story. 

Hubert:  Ok, here ya go.   

Billy takes phone and walks out.  An hour later he comes back.

Hubert:  What the hell, man?!

Billy (playing dumb):  What?
Hubert (sighs):  An hour? Really?

Billy:  I’m a popular guy, what can I say?   
Hubert : Whatever.  I’m outta here.  My time in this techno-dungeon is finished for today.    

Billy smiles malevolently as Hubert walks out.    

Melinda:  What did ya do?
Billy:  I’m not telling you!

Melinda:  Why not?
Billy:  Cuz you might use it for blackmail material, that’s why.

Melinda:  I already have blackmail material on you.
Billy:  You do?

Melinda:  Remember Chicago?
Billy:  Damn, I forgot about that!.........All right, I bugged Hubert’s phone.  All his data now gets recorded by my home system.    

Melinda:  So your master plan is to not watch him, but just listen to him and read his texts?
Billy:  You really do think I’m that simple minded, don’t you?

Melinda:  You’ve given me strong evidence to support that theory ever since we met.    
Billy:  Perhaps….but this is different.  I’m going to make a key word program to find stuff Clapper might want.   

Melinda:  Like what?
Billy:  Hell if I know.  I mean, it’s Clapper we’re talking about, so it doesn’t need to be much.    

Melinda:  Good point.    

Scene 5

After leaving work, Hubert walks into Happy’s Bar across the street from Fried Electronics.  The owner, a big, rugged character named Happy, is tending the bar. 

Happy:  Hubert?! What are you doing here?
 

Hubert sits at the bar and slumps.

Hubert:  Hey, Happy.  I’m here to drink, what else?
Happy:  I figured, you just hardly come in, so I’m surprised.    

Hubert:  Yeah, I’m having some problems, so I figured I’d stop in.
Happy:  So you’ve joined the masses in drowning their sorrows in cheap booze, huh?

Hubert:  Just for one night.

Happy points to a scuzzy guy with his drooling face planted in the bar.    

Happy:  That’s what that guy said a few years ago.    
Hubert:  Shot of tequila, please.

Happy pours shot.  Hubert slams it.   

Happy:  So what’s the trouble?
Hubert:  Guilty conscience.

Happy:  This wouldn’t have anything to do with you spying on your girlfriend, now would it?
Hubert:  Girlfriend?

Happy:  Sophia, right?
Hubert:  She’s just a friend, but yes, wait, how did you know I’m spying on her?

Happy:  Everybody around here knows.  (points back to the face-planter) I think even he knows.
Hubert (dejected):  Great.    

Happy:  Why did you start spying on her in the first place?
Hubert:  Cuz I was afraid to talk to her.

Happy:  Cuz you’re socially awkward.
Hubert:  Right.  Then I got approached by, wait, do you know...

Happy:  Clapper? Yeah, I know.  Everybody spills their guts to bartenders ya know.  It’s tradition.
Hubert: So, anyway, it gave me an “in”, I guess.    

Happy:  And now you’re having regrets and you’re looking for a way out. 

Hubert:  Yes! What do you think?
Happy:  There’s no way out.

Hubert sinks deeper into barstool and frowns.

Happy:  But I will say this.  The longer you wait, the worse it will be when you do fess up.  Do you think you actually have a chance with this girl?

Hubert:  Maybe, yeah, I dunno.
Happy:  What’s so special about her?

Hubert:  She’s beautiful, smart, energetic, and so unique.
Happy:  Yes, it seems doubtful that she’d have interest in you, but, who knows? Stranger things have happened.

Hubert:  You’re not helping.
Happy:  How is she unique?   

Hubert:  Well, she’s involved in I dunno how many business ventures and doesn’t pay any income tax.    
Happy:  I like her already.  Hubert, why don’t you just quit the FBI gig?

Hubert:  Cuz I need the money.

Happy:  I can’t tell ya what to do, Hubert, but I’ve got an idea to keep your gig, but not spy on Sophia anymore.  Why don’t you just feed the FBI a bunch of bull? Hell, if you do it well enough, they might even get off your girlfriend’s back.    
Hubert:  Happy! You’re a genius!

Hubert’s phone rings.  It’s Sophia.  He invites her to Happy’s.  A short while later, she arrives and sits next to Hubert.

Happy:  Wow, look at you.  Welcome to Happy’s.  I’m Happy.
Sophia:  Thanks! I’m Sophia.

Happy:  Why are you with Hubert?
Hubert:  I can hear you, ya know.

Sophia:  Hubert, I want to apologize for running out on you so fast yesterday.    
Hubert:  No problem.  Where’d you go?

Sophia:  Glad you asked! I just joined this private arbitration company and got my first gig as an arbitrator! I made 50 Steem in about an hour!   

Happy:  Private arbitration?   
Sophia:  Yeah, people who want to settle disputes, but don’t want to deal with the hassle, incompetence, and inefficiencies of the ridiculous state monopoly.    

Happy:  You sound pretty smart.  Again, why Hubert?    
Sophia (laughing):  2 tequilas, please! Do you take crypto?

Happy:  I have a wine cellar, but no crypts.    
Hubert:  Not what she meant.  Do you take Steem or Bitcoin Cash or anything like that?

Happy:  Is that English?
Sophia (giggling):  It’s ok.  They’re voluntary currencies.    

Happy:  Are they tax free?
Sophia:  They can be!

Happy:  You have my attention.    

Scene 6

2 days later, Billy is in his dingy apartment, plotting.

Billy (grinning malevolently, slowly twirling in office chair, talking to himself):  Hubert, that was a very interesting talk you had with Happy.  Now I just need to figure out the best way to take advantage.    

To be continued….. 

Episode 15 coming soon!

Thanks for your time and attention!

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Top image is from pixabay